Mighty edi-Tor
Jul 14, 2005, 02:29 pm
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi8logo.jpg" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">
WHAT A GREAT WAY TO KICK OFF THE NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT - WITH OUR OWN BOOTH HERE AT THE EXCITING SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON! YES, EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY IS HERE AT THE CON, AND WE'RE HOPING TO CATCH SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITIES TO HELP US ANSWER THIS WEEK'S BATCH OF READER QUESTIONS!
Edi-Tor, I still don't understand what's so "New" about this column. It's pretty much the same creative team, coming from the same source, answering the same kinds of questions, right?
NOT EXACTLY, ELITIST - WITH JIM'S DEPARTURE (IN BYDI #6, COLLECT 'EM ALL!) AND OUR NEW QUESTION-ANSWERING LINE-UP, THIS IS INDEED AN ENTIRELY NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!
Yeah, whatever. What's with all these smelly geeks walking around here?
HEH-HEH... AH... SHUT UP, YOU, THEY'RE OUR BREAD AND BUTTER! THAT'S THE LONE LOCUST OF THE APOCALYPSE, JUST KIDDING AROUND!
I'm not kidding. These people all stink. I don't even have a nose, and I can tell you that.
HA HA... AND WE'VE ALSO GOT THE FANBOY, DOCTOR DOOM, BOOSTER GOLD, AND BRITNEY SPEARS FOR YOUR QUESTION-ANSWERING PLEASURE! IT'S A GREAT JUMPING ON POINT WITH A BOLD NEW DIRECTION!
Okay, enough with the exposition! I've got to go get in the Kevin Smith line! He's got to autograph my copies of Mallrats and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back!
Fanboy, when will you ever grow some culture? Smith's finest achievements were the deep, thoughtful Chasing Amy, and the surprisingly meaningful Jersey Girl!
Elitist, stop pushing me around, or when we get back home, I'm throwing out your Animal Man collection!
God, you make me hot when you talk like that.
UMM... YEAH... SO... LET'S DO A READER QUESTION, SHALL WE? PIEDMON SAMA ASKS, "IS THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT REALLY SO EVIL THAT THEY'D ABDUCT SEVERAL UNSUSPECTING MUTANTS, TORTURE THEM, ERASE THEIR MEMORIES, ALL IN AN EFFORT TO TURN THEM INTO SUPERHUMAN ASSASSINS? I MEAN, WHAT'S CANADA GOT TO BE AFRAID OF, ANYWAY?"
Oooh! Oooh! I know the answer to this one!
OKAY, GO AHEAD, BOOSTER. NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US, AND BRING US SOME DC REPRESENTATION SINCE THE DARK KNIGHT SAID HE'D RIP OFF MY FINGERNAILS IF I CALLED HIM AGAIN.
Oh, no sweat, things have been pretty dead lately... Ralph said that something weird was going on at his wife's grave, but I'm sure he's all over it. But about this question... see, I'm from the future, so I know exactly what Canada has to be afraid of: mounties.
Like, what are mounties, anyway?
Uh, sorry, Miss Spears... mounties are the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, stalwart defenders of Canada... or at least, that's what everyone thinks they are. But see, what nobody will find out for a couple of years is that they've been really pissed off ever since "Dudley Do-Right" debuted on the Bullwinkle show. The live-action movie with Brendan Frasier only made things worse, and the "Dudley Do-Right Complete DVD Collection" will cement their insane hatred of Canada. The Canadian government has hints that this is coming, but it won't do them much good - Wolverine, Sabretooth, Deadpool, and all the others are going to be trampled by a stampede of insane mounties in the year 2012.
Indeed? In seven years, then, Doom shall swoop down behind the mounties and use their attack to mask Doom's true threat! And then, All Canada Shall Belong to... DOOM!!!
Like, I saw your movie. It totally sucked. It sucked as much as... hey, have I mentioned I'm pregnant?
A COUPLE OF TIMES. AND WITH AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT, I'M NOT THINKING YOU NEED TO REMIND US.
'Cause I am, you know. Pregant. Me! {giggle}
Uh... yeah... so... that's it. The whole Weapon X, or Weapon Plus, or whatever you want to call it program, it was all to fight off the mounties.
That's a neat costume.
GAH! Oh... sorry... giant bugs freak me out. What did you say?
I said... "That's a neat costume."
Oh, thanks... I made it myself!
Your head... is very... shiny.
Huh? Oh... well... sure... Booster Gold, y'know....
Looks... so... delicious....
What did you say?
Oh... nothing....
Man, did you see how long the line for Kevin Smith was? It reaches all the way around the convention center, and outside the building!
WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE SOME OF THE OTHER COMIC BOOK CELEBRITIES HERE? THERE ARE SOME BIG NAMES...
Is Bendis here?
Is Ellis here?
WELL, NO... BUT... WELL, LOOK! HERE COMES SOMEONE NOW!
Hi, I'm Scott McCloud.
Who?
Who?
WHO?
Doom shall wreak havok upon Scott McCloud!
Heeeey... I've heard of this guy! He wrote a bunch of books that everybody read, but nobody actually listened to. In the future, he'll be known as the most brilliant, widely respected, yet oddly ignored man in the history of the medium!
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Booster Gold. Your head looks delicious.
Okay, I've got to go. I've got a lunch meeting with Jhonen Vasquez, creator of Invader Zim.
WHHEEEEE!!! I want MILKSHAKES and DANDELIONS and SQUIRRELS!
Ah, there you are. Let's go, Jhonen.
MEATFLESH! ACRES and ACRES of MEATFLESH!
Wow, like that guy was totally freaky-deaky.
I sort of liked him.
LET'S DO ANOTHER QUESTION. JAMES GROVES WRITES, "WHY DO WE GET THOSE STUPID, IRRITATING ADVERTISEMENT INSERTS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR COMICS?"
Oh, they're not that bad. Once, Marvel did this four-month series with a Spider-Man adventure where one of Spidey's pals was on drugs! Man, pot is cool!
That was just terrible! I much preferred the nineties inserts for the exciting new "Dungeons & Dragons" games from TSR. They were deep and muti-layered, mature board games that changed role-playing forever!
JAMES, I THINK THE OBVIOUS ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS, WOULD YOU RATHER SEE THE INSERTS, OR PAY MORE FOR YOUR COMICS? BECAUSE WE MAKE MAJOR BANK FROM THOSE THINGS. BELIEVE ME, IF STAN AND JACK HAD THIS IDEA FORTY YEARS AGO, THEY WOULDA DONE IT TOO.
Stan and Jack who?
But... but even adjusting for inflation, sixties comics were MUCh cheaper than modern comics, weren't they?
QUIET, YOU. SEE, WE COULD THROW OUR RESOURCES INTO GETTING NEW CUSTOMERS BY PRODUCING HIGHER QUALITY BOOKS AND RETAINING GOOD TALENT, SURE. BUT IT'S MUCH MORE EFFICIENT TO JUST FIND NEW WAYS TO PIMP OUR CHARACTERS AND SELL ADVERTISING SPACE. NOW... ANTHONY LUCYNSKI ASKS, "SINCE JIM'S GONE, CAN I HAVE HIS STEREO?"
Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!!! You are too late, puny Lucynski! DOOM has annexed the stereo to add to Latveria's ever-swelling borders!
Like, he had a stereo?!? Wow, I totally love stereos! And look, I'm pregnant!
Hey, look, it's Robert Jordan!
Robert Jordan who?
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legends fade to myth, and myth... myth... say, that's a nice stereo.
Wow... Robert Jordan... oh, uh... you like it? It's yours!
WHAT?!? But that is Doom's stereo!
Why, thank you, my friend. I shall surely remember your kindness.
Heeey... I remember you! I read about you in "History of Literature" - you're that guy who wrote thirty-seven fantasy novels in a series... and then another guy came behind you, edited out all the irrelevant stuff, and rereleased your entire series in a three-book "good-parts version." Why don't you just get to the point?
The Wheel of Time turns... very, very slowly. And profitably.
Where do you think you're going? Come back here with Doom's stereo!
So who was that?
A great, great author.
Has he ever written Spider-Man?
Well, no, but....
Don't care then!
Books are stupid. You should watch more movies! One of my bestest friends, Hillary, just made a great one called "The Perfect Man."
I saw that. I regurgitated.
Hey, at least it was better than freaky metal-man's movie over there....
Stop... STOP MAKING FUN OF DOOM'S MOVIE! Doom is a STAR now!
Man, you looked like an idiot in that movie! Metal-plates growing out of your face? Making googly eyes at Jessica Alba? And y'know, villains are more believable when they have an actual goal in mind, not just "let's go beat up the good guys because I'm bored."
Doom... Doom shall have his revenge upon Director Tim Story! Indeed, Doom's righteous vengeance shall rend Story asunder!
LET'S SEE... A POSTER NAMED 'DREAMER' ASKED, "DO YOU DESPISE EXISTENTIALISM?"
And lo, there was a knock at yon door.
"Yes, who's there?" queried a mortal man's voice from within the fragile edifice.
"It be Mighty Thor, Son of Odin, Scion of Asgard, Prince of the Realm, and God of Thunder, here to beseech a favor of the lovely Jane Foster!" bellowed the aforementioned Avenger.
"Oh, not you again," spoke Keith Kincaid as the door opened, "Look, Thor, I know you had a thing for her once, but we're married now. She's not going to give you any more 'massages'."
"Nay, good sir," spoke Mighty Thor, "the Thunder God's more sensitive needs are now tended by the surprisingly dexterous hands of Volstagg the Voluminous!"
"Well then, what do you want?"
"Pie!" answered the God of Thunder. "Mighty Thor hath desired pie, and perchance, might the lovely Doctor Foster be available to produce said pie for the Prince of the Realm?"
"Pie?" asked Keith Kincaid in confusion.
"PIE!" repeated the Scion of Asgard.
"Well, we don't have any pie here right now, Thor... I mean... well... not to be disrespectful, but... shouldn't you be out saving the world or something, instead of badgering us for dessert?" asked the mortal doctor.
"Mighty Thor hath served Midgard long and well!" screamed the enraged Thor. "All Thor doth ask in return be but a slice of flaky pastry!"
"Pie?" asked the mortal Doctor Kincaid.
"Pie!" replied Mighty Thor.
"Pie?" repeated a confused Doctor Kincaid.
"Aye!"
"Why?"
"For I!"
"Why not buy?"
Remembering that he possessed no mortal currency, the Scion of Asgard replied, "I be shy!"
Mighty Thor shook his head. Now, he began to grown angry with this mortal's impertinence.
"Do not lie! Where is the pie?"
"My, my..." said the Doctor, who had never seen the God of Thunder in such a sorry state.
"Die!" screamed Thor in rage.
"Bye!" said Doctor Kincaid as he shut the door.
"Sigh...." said Mighty Thor.
And so did the Son of Asgard begin to cry.
SURREAL.
Hey, you're Doom, right? Yeah, I just saw you in that movie. Man, you were stupid.
Silence, Brian Vaughan! You shall rue the day you mocked Doom!
I think I'll write Cloak and Dagger kicking your ass again. Or maybe Dazzler.
The indignity! This is all Richards' fault!
DYLAN MCKAY WROTE IN TO ASK, "DID I REALLY DEMAND THIS?"
In the future you did.
THAT'S A CONVENIENT ANSWER.
Man, I could tell you things about the future you wouldn't believe! Like, take little Miss Pop Star here. What would you say if I told you she's really a...
Like, enough already! We're all so impressed by your being from the future.
I'm impressed by his tasty-looking head.
Maybe. But look, let's talk about me! Did you know I'm pregnant?
Very pregnant.
Very, very pregnant. Are you having twins or something like that?
Something like that.
Aw, geez... look at the line for Kevin Smith - it's even longer! The traffic reporter on the radio said it stretches all the way to the Mexican border now!
He's worth the wait.
THERE'S JUST TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. MATTHEW HOLLOWAY ASKS, "ART SPIEGELMAN SUGGESTED IN HIS CLASSIC MAUS THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL SHARE BLAME FOR THE HOLOCAUST - EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE. DOES THAT MEAN THAT ROB LIEFELD IS PARTIALLY TO BLAME FOR THE HOLOCAUST? BECAUSE, MAN, HE ROCKS!"
I don't know if Rob Liefeld killed anybody in the Holocaust. But he did run a foot-shrinking operation that gave some Jews feet the size of a pencil.
Don't mock the man! X-Force rocks! The one true X-Force!
Yeah, I miss Edie, too.
No, the first X-Force!
What first X-Force?
Delicious... golden... toasty... Booster-heads....
Stop looking at my head like that!
Hi there, kids... I'm Prolific Sci-Fi Genius Ray Bradbury.
WHO?
Who?
Say, aren't you Victor Von Doom?
Why, yes, you are indeed in the presence of Doom! What can Doom do for you, my illustrious subject?
Oh, nothing. I just saw your movie. Get a real writer next time.
RICHARDS!!! DOOM BLAMES YOU FOR WHAT DOOM IS ABOUT TO DO!!!
{PFFFZZZZAARRRRRRKKK!!!!}
AAAHHHHH!!!
Oh my God! I can't believe you just killed Ray Bradbury!
Like, who?
Doom... now Doom will never get to read the next Martian Chronicles....
AH... YES... WELL... JUDGING BY THE WAY THOSE SECURITY GUARDS ARE LOOKING AT US, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT A DAY. DON'T FORGET TO SEND YOUR QUESTIONS, TO BE ANSWERED BY OUR CRACK TEAM, TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM, OR POST THEM IN THE THREAD BELOW THIS COLUMN. AND BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT TIME, WHEN WE... AH... RESCUE RAY BRADBURY FROM DEADLAND AND, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, BAIL DOOM OUT OF THE SAN DIEGO PENITENTIARY.
DO NOT TOUCH DOOM! Do not, do not... you touched Doom! You shall pay dearly for this affrontery to the royal personage... No, Doom shall NOT remain silent! How dare you imply that Doom could not afford an attorney, you cretin?!?
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Booster Gold, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. The rest of this disclaimer used to be written by Jim, and he's not with us anymore, so we can't really think of anything witty to say here. Perhaps I could regale you with a tale of my misspent youth. Yes, I remember those glory days, working long hours with my three-nostriled sister in the depths of the family sauerkraut mines. Ah, those were the days, just Nozilla and I, unable to afford real pickaxes, with nothing more than an old worn out fan blade and a Strawberry Fields Forever record to carve out hunks of sauerkraut from the cave walls. Sometimes, if we were very good, our friends the Giant Space Worms would help us and bring us sticky treats like linoleum and chloroform. Yes, those were indeed the good old days.
WHAT A GREAT WAY TO KICK OFF THE NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT - WITH OUR OWN BOOTH HERE AT THE EXCITING SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON! YES, EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY IS HERE AT THE CON, AND WE'RE HOPING TO CATCH SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITIES TO HELP US ANSWER THIS WEEK'S BATCH OF READER QUESTIONS!
Edi-Tor, I still don't understand what's so "New" about this column. It's pretty much the same creative team, coming from the same source, answering the same kinds of questions, right?
NOT EXACTLY, ELITIST - WITH JIM'S DEPARTURE (IN BYDI #6, COLLECT 'EM ALL!) AND OUR NEW QUESTION-ANSWERING LINE-UP, THIS IS INDEED AN ENTIRELY NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!
Yeah, whatever. What's with all these smelly geeks walking around here?
HEH-HEH... AH... SHUT UP, YOU, THEY'RE OUR BREAD AND BUTTER! THAT'S THE LONE LOCUST OF THE APOCALYPSE, JUST KIDDING AROUND!
I'm not kidding. These people all stink. I don't even have a nose, and I can tell you that.
HA HA... AND WE'VE ALSO GOT THE FANBOY, DOCTOR DOOM, BOOSTER GOLD, AND BRITNEY SPEARS FOR YOUR QUESTION-ANSWERING PLEASURE! IT'S A GREAT JUMPING ON POINT WITH A BOLD NEW DIRECTION!
Okay, enough with the exposition! I've got to go get in the Kevin Smith line! He's got to autograph my copies of Mallrats and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back!
Fanboy, when will you ever grow some culture? Smith's finest achievements were the deep, thoughtful Chasing Amy, and the surprisingly meaningful Jersey Girl!
Elitist, stop pushing me around, or when we get back home, I'm throwing out your Animal Man collection!
God, you make me hot when you talk like that.
UMM... YEAH... SO... LET'S DO A READER QUESTION, SHALL WE? PIEDMON SAMA ASKS, "IS THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT REALLY SO EVIL THAT THEY'D ABDUCT SEVERAL UNSUSPECTING MUTANTS, TORTURE THEM, ERASE THEIR MEMORIES, ALL IN AN EFFORT TO TURN THEM INTO SUPERHUMAN ASSASSINS? I MEAN, WHAT'S CANADA GOT TO BE AFRAID OF, ANYWAY?"
Oooh! Oooh! I know the answer to this one!
OKAY, GO AHEAD, BOOSTER. NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US, AND BRING US SOME DC REPRESENTATION SINCE THE DARK KNIGHT SAID HE'D RIP OFF MY FINGERNAILS IF I CALLED HIM AGAIN.
Oh, no sweat, things have been pretty dead lately... Ralph said that something weird was going on at his wife's grave, but I'm sure he's all over it. But about this question... see, I'm from the future, so I know exactly what Canada has to be afraid of: mounties.
Like, what are mounties, anyway?
Uh, sorry, Miss Spears... mounties are the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, stalwart defenders of Canada... or at least, that's what everyone thinks they are. But see, what nobody will find out for a couple of years is that they've been really pissed off ever since "Dudley Do-Right" debuted on the Bullwinkle show. The live-action movie with Brendan Frasier only made things worse, and the "Dudley Do-Right Complete DVD Collection" will cement their insane hatred of Canada. The Canadian government has hints that this is coming, but it won't do them much good - Wolverine, Sabretooth, Deadpool, and all the others are going to be trampled by a stampede of insane mounties in the year 2012.
Indeed? In seven years, then, Doom shall swoop down behind the mounties and use their attack to mask Doom's true threat! And then, All Canada Shall Belong to... DOOM!!!
Like, I saw your movie. It totally sucked. It sucked as much as... hey, have I mentioned I'm pregnant?
A COUPLE OF TIMES. AND WITH AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT, I'M NOT THINKING YOU NEED TO REMIND US.
'Cause I am, you know. Pregant. Me! {giggle}
Uh... yeah... so... that's it. The whole Weapon X, or Weapon Plus, or whatever you want to call it program, it was all to fight off the mounties.
That's a neat costume.
GAH! Oh... sorry... giant bugs freak me out. What did you say?
I said... "That's a neat costume."
Oh, thanks... I made it myself!
Your head... is very... shiny.
Huh? Oh... well... sure... Booster Gold, y'know....
Looks... so... delicious....
What did you say?
Oh... nothing....
Man, did you see how long the line for Kevin Smith was? It reaches all the way around the convention center, and outside the building!
WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE SOME OF THE OTHER COMIC BOOK CELEBRITIES HERE? THERE ARE SOME BIG NAMES...
Is Bendis here?
Is Ellis here?
WELL, NO... BUT... WELL, LOOK! HERE COMES SOMEONE NOW!
Hi, I'm Scott McCloud.
Who?
Who?
WHO?
Doom shall wreak havok upon Scott McCloud!
Heeeey... I've heard of this guy! He wrote a bunch of books that everybody read, but nobody actually listened to. In the future, he'll be known as the most brilliant, widely respected, yet oddly ignored man in the history of the medium!
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Booster Gold. Your head looks delicious.
Okay, I've got to go. I've got a lunch meeting with Jhonen Vasquez, creator of Invader Zim.
WHHEEEEE!!! I want MILKSHAKES and DANDELIONS and SQUIRRELS!
Ah, there you are. Let's go, Jhonen.
MEATFLESH! ACRES and ACRES of MEATFLESH!
Wow, like that guy was totally freaky-deaky.
I sort of liked him.
LET'S DO ANOTHER QUESTION. JAMES GROVES WRITES, "WHY DO WE GET THOSE STUPID, IRRITATING ADVERTISEMENT INSERTS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR COMICS?"
Oh, they're not that bad. Once, Marvel did this four-month series with a Spider-Man adventure where one of Spidey's pals was on drugs! Man, pot is cool!
That was just terrible! I much preferred the nineties inserts for the exciting new "Dungeons & Dragons" games from TSR. They were deep and muti-layered, mature board games that changed role-playing forever!
JAMES, I THINK THE OBVIOUS ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS, WOULD YOU RATHER SEE THE INSERTS, OR PAY MORE FOR YOUR COMICS? BECAUSE WE MAKE MAJOR BANK FROM THOSE THINGS. BELIEVE ME, IF STAN AND JACK HAD THIS IDEA FORTY YEARS AGO, THEY WOULDA DONE IT TOO.
Stan and Jack who?
But... but even adjusting for inflation, sixties comics were MUCh cheaper than modern comics, weren't they?
QUIET, YOU. SEE, WE COULD THROW OUR RESOURCES INTO GETTING NEW CUSTOMERS BY PRODUCING HIGHER QUALITY BOOKS AND RETAINING GOOD TALENT, SURE. BUT IT'S MUCH MORE EFFICIENT TO JUST FIND NEW WAYS TO PIMP OUR CHARACTERS AND SELL ADVERTISING SPACE. NOW... ANTHONY LUCYNSKI ASKS, "SINCE JIM'S GONE, CAN I HAVE HIS STEREO?"
Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!!! You are too late, puny Lucynski! DOOM has annexed the stereo to add to Latveria's ever-swelling borders!
Like, he had a stereo?!? Wow, I totally love stereos! And look, I'm pregnant!
Hey, look, it's Robert Jordan!
Robert Jordan who?
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legends fade to myth, and myth... myth... say, that's a nice stereo.
Wow... Robert Jordan... oh, uh... you like it? It's yours!
WHAT?!? But that is Doom's stereo!
Why, thank you, my friend. I shall surely remember your kindness.
Heeey... I remember you! I read about you in "History of Literature" - you're that guy who wrote thirty-seven fantasy novels in a series... and then another guy came behind you, edited out all the irrelevant stuff, and rereleased your entire series in a three-book "good-parts version." Why don't you just get to the point?
The Wheel of Time turns... very, very slowly. And profitably.
Where do you think you're going? Come back here with Doom's stereo!
So who was that?
A great, great author.
Has he ever written Spider-Man?
Well, no, but....
Don't care then!
Books are stupid. You should watch more movies! One of my bestest friends, Hillary, just made a great one called "The Perfect Man."
I saw that. I regurgitated.
Hey, at least it was better than freaky metal-man's movie over there....
Stop... STOP MAKING FUN OF DOOM'S MOVIE! Doom is a STAR now!
Man, you looked like an idiot in that movie! Metal-plates growing out of your face? Making googly eyes at Jessica Alba? And y'know, villains are more believable when they have an actual goal in mind, not just "let's go beat up the good guys because I'm bored."
Doom... Doom shall have his revenge upon Director Tim Story! Indeed, Doom's righteous vengeance shall rend Story asunder!
LET'S SEE... A POSTER NAMED 'DREAMER' ASKED, "DO YOU DESPISE EXISTENTIALISM?"
And lo, there was a knock at yon door.
"Yes, who's there?" queried a mortal man's voice from within the fragile edifice.
"It be Mighty Thor, Son of Odin, Scion of Asgard, Prince of the Realm, and God of Thunder, here to beseech a favor of the lovely Jane Foster!" bellowed the aforementioned Avenger.
"Oh, not you again," spoke Keith Kincaid as the door opened, "Look, Thor, I know you had a thing for her once, but we're married now. She's not going to give you any more 'massages'."
"Nay, good sir," spoke Mighty Thor, "the Thunder God's more sensitive needs are now tended by the surprisingly dexterous hands of Volstagg the Voluminous!"
"Well then, what do you want?"
"Pie!" answered the God of Thunder. "Mighty Thor hath desired pie, and perchance, might the lovely Doctor Foster be available to produce said pie for the Prince of the Realm?"
"Pie?" asked Keith Kincaid in confusion.
"PIE!" repeated the Scion of Asgard.
"Well, we don't have any pie here right now, Thor... I mean... well... not to be disrespectful, but... shouldn't you be out saving the world or something, instead of badgering us for dessert?" asked the mortal doctor.
"Mighty Thor hath served Midgard long and well!" screamed the enraged Thor. "All Thor doth ask in return be but a slice of flaky pastry!"
"Pie?" asked the mortal Doctor Kincaid.
"Pie!" replied Mighty Thor.
"Pie?" repeated a confused Doctor Kincaid.
"Aye!"
"Why?"
"For I!"
"Why not buy?"
Remembering that he possessed no mortal currency, the Scion of Asgard replied, "I be shy!"
Mighty Thor shook his head. Now, he began to grown angry with this mortal's impertinence.
"Do not lie! Where is the pie?"
"My, my..." said the Doctor, who had never seen the God of Thunder in such a sorry state.
"Die!" screamed Thor in rage.
"Bye!" said Doctor Kincaid as he shut the door.
"Sigh...." said Mighty Thor.
And so did the Son of Asgard begin to cry.
SURREAL.
Hey, you're Doom, right? Yeah, I just saw you in that movie. Man, you were stupid.
Silence, Brian Vaughan! You shall rue the day you mocked Doom!
I think I'll write Cloak and Dagger kicking your ass again. Or maybe Dazzler.
The indignity! This is all Richards' fault!
DYLAN MCKAY WROTE IN TO ASK, "DID I REALLY DEMAND THIS?"
In the future you did.
THAT'S A CONVENIENT ANSWER.
Man, I could tell you things about the future you wouldn't believe! Like, take little Miss Pop Star here. What would you say if I told you she's really a...
Like, enough already! We're all so impressed by your being from the future.
I'm impressed by his tasty-looking head.
Maybe. But look, let's talk about me! Did you know I'm pregnant?
Very pregnant.
Very, very pregnant. Are you having twins or something like that?
Something like that.
Aw, geez... look at the line for Kevin Smith - it's even longer! The traffic reporter on the radio said it stretches all the way to the Mexican border now!
He's worth the wait.
THERE'S JUST TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. MATTHEW HOLLOWAY ASKS, "ART SPIEGELMAN SUGGESTED IN HIS CLASSIC MAUS THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL SHARE BLAME FOR THE HOLOCAUST - EVERYBODY, EVERYWHERE. DOES THAT MEAN THAT ROB LIEFELD IS PARTIALLY TO BLAME FOR THE HOLOCAUST? BECAUSE, MAN, HE ROCKS!"
I don't know if Rob Liefeld killed anybody in the Holocaust. But he did run a foot-shrinking operation that gave some Jews feet the size of a pencil.
Don't mock the man! X-Force rocks! The one true X-Force!
Yeah, I miss Edie, too.
No, the first X-Force!
What first X-Force?
Delicious... golden... toasty... Booster-heads....
Stop looking at my head like that!
Hi there, kids... I'm Prolific Sci-Fi Genius Ray Bradbury.
WHO?
Who?
Say, aren't you Victor Von Doom?
Why, yes, you are indeed in the presence of Doom! What can Doom do for you, my illustrious subject?
Oh, nothing. I just saw your movie. Get a real writer next time.
RICHARDS!!! DOOM BLAMES YOU FOR WHAT DOOM IS ABOUT TO DO!!!
{PFFFZZZZAARRRRRRKKK!!!!}
AAAHHHHH!!!
Oh my God! I can't believe you just killed Ray Bradbury!
Like, who?
Doom... now Doom will never get to read the next Martian Chronicles....
AH... YES... WELL... JUDGING BY THE WAY THOSE SECURITY GUARDS ARE LOOKING AT US, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT A DAY. DON'T FORGET TO SEND YOUR QUESTIONS, TO BE ANSWERED BY OUR CRACK TEAM, TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM, OR POST THEM IN THE THREAD BELOW THIS COLUMN. AND BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT TIME, WHEN WE... AH... RESCUE RAY BRADBURY FROM DEADLAND AND, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, BAIL DOOM OUT OF THE SAN DIEGO PENITENTIARY.
DO NOT TOUCH DOOM! Do not, do not... you touched Doom! You shall pay dearly for this affrontery to the royal personage... No, Doom shall NOT remain silent! How dare you imply that Doom could not afford an attorney, you cretin?!?
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Booster Gold, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. The rest of this disclaimer used to be written by Jim, and he's not with us anymore, so we can't really think of anything witty to say here. Perhaps I could regale you with a tale of my misspent youth. Yes, I remember those glory days, working long hours with my three-nostriled sister in the depths of the family sauerkraut mines. Ah, those were the days, just Nozilla and I, unable to afford real pickaxes, with nothing more than an old worn out fan blade and a Strawberry Fields Forever record to carve out hunks of sauerkraut from the cave walls. Sometimes, if we were very good, our friends the Giant Space Worms would help us and bring us sticky treats like linoleum and chloroform. Yes, those were indeed the good old days.