Jim Lemoine
Jun 30, 2005, 09:32 am
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi7.jpg" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
UM... HI THERE, MIGHTY EDI-TOR HERE, PURVEYOR OF THOSE DIVERSE MODERN CLASSICS YOU ALL LOVE SO MUCH, LIKE BENDIS' NEW AVENGERS, BENDIS' DAREDEVIL, BENDIS' THE PULSE, BENDIS' ICON, AND OF COURSE, BENDIS' SECRET WAR. NORMALLY, JIM WOULD BE ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS IN THIS SPACE, BUT... AH... WELL... HE QUIT ON US AT THE END OF OUR LAST STORY ARC. SO, IN HIS ABSENCE, I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD SPEND THIS TIME TELLING YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT THE THIRD SUMMERS BROTHER, WHO REALLY KILLED SUE DIBNY, WHO V REALLY WAS, AND WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEVER-BEFORE-PUBLISHED WATCHMEN #13.
LET'S START WITH WATCHMEN #13. IT'S IMPORTANT TO REALIZE THAT ALAN MOORE'S ORIGINAL PLAN WAS TO FOLLOW UP THE SERIES WITH AN ISSUE THAT SHOWED WHAT HAPPENED WHEN01010101110101010101010111110001010
0000101010011110001There. That oughtta do it.
What's that, Patch? Did you say something?
Nah, don't worry about it, Jim. Just... ah... playin' with this stereo. Take a walk with me, will ya?
Look, I really wish you'd reconsider on coming back. People need to see you again, not the clones that have been running around in all those X-books for fifteen years.
And I really wish you'd just drop it. I told ya, I came out here 'cause I wasn't safe t' be around. I spent years tryin' to find peace, to get my rages under control... an' I ain't goin' back to the X-Men until I'm the man they deserve.
Yeah, I know. But man, you should see what they've done with your clones. The yellow costume, the adamantium leeching, the gratuitous tie-ins, the "he's-everywhere" motif....
Heh. Yeah, I got a chuckle outta some o' those. But y'know, some o' those clones of me those editors have been using weren't too far off. Ya gotta be fair, Jim. The clone they sent to Tieri, the one Rucka used - those guys were pretty darn similar to the ol' canucklehead. And the Claremont clone that's out there right now? Might as well be me, y'know? I owe a lot to ol' Claremont.
Yeah... yeah, I guess you're right. There have been some really great stories about you in the last few years. Why don't I ever think about them?
The same reason so many o' my other old fans hate me these days - they see the others. I told those editors not t' make a clone of a clone, but sometimes they're in a rush, and they get sloppy... and they get a yellow costumed, clawed idiot who endlessly repeats old catchphrases and can't feel pain anymore.
Yeah.
So... is that really why you left right after the Blue and Gold squads were formed? To get your berserker rages under control?
Well... that ain't the only reason I left, no. After Claremont gave up control o' the team way back then, we saw what was happenin' - suddenly the Blue squad had t' be everywhere - doin' a promotional appearance with Death's Head II in the UK, zoomin' back stateside to work with the Avengers, crossin' over to the Malibu Universe... it was just too much. Y'know, that's why Irish didn't join the squad - he didn't like the hours.
So why didn't the Gold team handle some of those appearances?
Ah, it was all Marketing. You needed somebody there to help humans and mutants get along, fine, Jean an' Roro were great for that. You needed some guys to fight the good fight, they don't get much better than Petey and Warren. Hell, I'm sure even Iceman had his uses. But it's all Marketing, you know that. Cyclops, Gambit, Rogue - those were the ones the boys in Marketing wanted to promote. Jean an' Roro got left out in the cold, just because they weren't willin' to do the nasty stuff that Psylocke an' I would.
So they made a clone of you to replace you when you left?
Yeah, an' then another an' another, when they needed me t' be in more an' more places. Sometimes they'd make clones o' clones, an' that ain't ever good. Like makin' a copy of a copy - y'lose a lot o' the original. I mean, did you read that Poptopia story where I couldn't even beat a normal guy with a flamethrower?!? That was a clone... of a clone... of a clone.
Yeah... that explains a lot....
But look, y'oughtta stop blamin' the editors - it's yer own damn fault the stories got so bad.
What?!? How could it be my fault?
You an' all the others like ya. You whine an' bitch an' moan about how bad these books are, about how bad these stories are, an yet ya keep supportin' the system that gives 'em to ya. Did ya really think Uncanny X-Men #423 was gonna be any good?
Well, no....
Did ya buy it?
Well, yeah, but... well, I mean, I didn't want to break up my run....
Ya idiot... so there ya are, supportin', givin' money to the stuff ya hate. How many copies o' X-Force #1 did ya buy?
Well, I think I had five or six....
But you said you hated Liefeld!
Yeah, but it was an investment, y'know! I mean, I could boycott bad books myself, but what can one guy really do?
If everybody said that, nothin' would ever get done. That's a cop-out, boy. You oughta... hold on... I smell somethin'.
What? Is somebody coming?
Yeah. And he smells... hungry. Is that... yeah, it's him. Excuse me a minute, will ya?
Look, I told ya, I can't help with the whole Ragnarok thing.
I say thee nay, mine mortal comrade. The Son of Odin comes now for another reason entire.
Okay. What do ya need?
The Thunder God needs pie.
... beg pardon?
The Scion of Asgard desires pie!
... pie, y'say?
Mighty Thor CRAVES pie!!!
Okay, okay, I hear ya. Calm down. Don't know why ya came here - I ain't never baked a pie.
Long hath noble Thor searched, mine mortal ally. The wantings of the gods must be sated!
Ask yer pals in Asgard for help.
Verily, this was attempted, howe'er, All-Father Odin hath exiled his favored son for a churlish attempt at thievery, when Mighty Thor did see the delicious pie devoured by his omnipotent patriarch.
Oh. Well, what about the Avengers?
Woe, for the Thunder God hath been suspended from membership after yon unfortunate misunderstanding with the Vision!
How about yer ol' friend from yer secret identity - Doctor... Foster or somethin'?
Aye... AYE!!! Thou art both brave and wise, friend mutant! Mighty Thor hadst forgotten all about the lovely Doctor Foster. The Son of Odin shall whirl mighty Mjolnir anon, and travel there forthwith!
Yeah, you do that. Good luck....
Okay, sorry about that.
Who was that you were talking to in the other room? Whoever it was, he made a hell of a racket....
Ah, just an old friend I met a long time ago on another planet. Look, the root of yer problem all these years has been that you hated these stories, right? But that didn't stop ya from buyin' them... again and again and again. Yer perpetuatin' the very thing you claim to hate, all in the name o' some idiotic need to be complete, to own ALL o' the books. An' yet, they were books ya didn't wanna read, an' it became painfully obvious after a while that their value wasn't goin' anywhere.
You know, I remember a time when every single book you'd ever appeared in had increased in value. Every single one.
Yeah, but back then it was the real me, and because it was only me, no clones, the supply was a lot less. Lower supply, fewer appearances, higher demand, higher resale value. Look, I don't know much about business, but I know that.
What can I say? You're right.
Course I am. Now look, you gotta go back t' that column o' yours.
What?!? No way. I am NOT working with those idiots anymore, prophecy be damned.
Now yer just bein' stupid again. If this prophecy you keep talkin' about, that the books will improve and kids get ding-dongs...
Twinkies.
... kids get twinkies if you answer these questions an' do this column... you gotta responsibility, kid. You gotta go back.
Responsibility, huh?
Yeah, I used to hang out with Spider-Man, some.
Maybe. Maybe later. I need to get my head together. I mean, I don't read the books anymore, I've had a company threaten to sue me, I've been lied to and cheated... we'll see.
Good. Look, kid, I've said what I needed to say. You go back when yer ready.
Right. Just answer me this first. Is Logan your first name, or your last name?
Ain't noone ever asked me that before, kid. Sure, it's my0101001110101000101010101010101010101000010100
01001000010101000111WHY NOBODY ELSE CAN EVER KNOW THAT HE IS THE THIRD SUMMERS BROTHER. AND NOW YOU KNOW, DEAR READER, AND THAT'S THE LAST I'LL EVER SPEAK OF IT.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR THIS OFFBEAT, GREAT-JUMPING-ON-POINT, STAND-ALONE-ISSUE, BUT JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE ALL NEW, COMPLETELY RELAUNCHED, REBRANDED, AND RELOGOED "NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!" WE'LL HAVE A NEW TEAM IN ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, SO PLEASE SEND THEM TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM TODAY! IT'S THE FIRST ISSUE OF A BRAND NEW DIRECTION WITH A NEW CREATIVE TEAM, AND ANOTHER GREAT JUMPING ON POINT WITH PLENTY OF APPEAL FOR YOUNGER READERS, FEMALE READERS, AND ANIME FANS, GUEST-STARRING INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASIMAYA... UMMM... INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASAYAMAPAPAYA... UMMM... AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR! DON'T MISS IT!
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UM... HI THERE, MIGHTY EDI-TOR HERE, PURVEYOR OF THOSE DIVERSE MODERN CLASSICS YOU ALL LOVE SO MUCH, LIKE BENDIS' NEW AVENGERS, BENDIS' DAREDEVIL, BENDIS' THE PULSE, BENDIS' ICON, AND OF COURSE, BENDIS' SECRET WAR. NORMALLY, JIM WOULD BE ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS IN THIS SPACE, BUT... AH... WELL... HE QUIT ON US AT THE END OF OUR LAST STORY ARC. SO, IN HIS ABSENCE, I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD SPEND THIS TIME TELLING YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT THE THIRD SUMMERS BROTHER, WHO REALLY KILLED SUE DIBNY, WHO V REALLY WAS, AND WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEVER-BEFORE-PUBLISHED WATCHMEN #13.
LET'S START WITH WATCHMEN #13. IT'S IMPORTANT TO REALIZE THAT ALAN MOORE'S ORIGINAL PLAN WAS TO FOLLOW UP THE SERIES WITH AN ISSUE THAT SHOWED WHAT HAPPENED WHEN01010101110101010101010111110001010
0000101010011110001There. That oughtta do it.
What's that, Patch? Did you say something?
Nah, don't worry about it, Jim. Just... ah... playin' with this stereo. Take a walk with me, will ya?
Look, I really wish you'd reconsider on coming back. People need to see you again, not the clones that have been running around in all those X-books for fifteen years.
And I really wish you'd just drop it. I told ya, I came out here 'cause I wasn't safe t' be around. I spent years tryin' to find peace, to get my rages under control... an' I ain't goin' back to the X-Men until I'm the man they deserve.
Yeah, I know. But man, you should see what they've done with your clones. The yellow costume, the adamantium leeching, the gratuitous tie-ins, the "he's-everywhere" motif....
Heh. Yeah, I got a chuckle outta some o' those. But y'know, some o' those clones of me those editors have been using weren't too far off. Ya gotta be fair, Jim. The clone they sent to Tieri, the one Rucka used - those guys were pretty darn similar to the ol' canucklehead. And the Claremont clone that's out there right now? Might as well be me, y'know? I owe a lot to ol' Claremont.
Yeah... yeah, I guess you're right. There have been some really great stories about you in the last few years. Why don't I ever think about them?
The same reason so many o' my other old fans hate me these days - they see the others. I told those editors not t' make a clone of a clone, but sometimes they're in a rush, and they get sloppy... and they get a yellow costumed, clawed idiot who endlessly repeats old catchphrases and can't feel pain anymore.
Yeah.
So... is that really why you left right after the Blue and Gold squads were formed? To get your berserker rages under control?
Well... that ain't the only reason I left, no. After Claremont gave up control o' the team way back then, we saw what was happenin' - suddenly the Blue squad had t' be everywhere - doin' a promotional appearance with Death's Head II in the UK, zoomin' back stateside to work with the Avengers, crossin' over to the Malibu Universe... it was just too much. Y'know, that's why Irish didn't join the squad - he didn't like the hours.
So why didn't the Gold team handle some of those appearances?
Ah, it was all Marketing. You needed somebody there to help humans and mutants get along, fine, Jean an' Roro were great for that. You needed some guys to fight the good fight, they don't get much better than Petey and Warren. Hell, I'm sure even Iceman had his uses. But it's all Marketing, you know that. Cyclops, Gambit, Rogue - those were the ones the boys in Marketing wanted to promote. Jean an' Roro got left out in the cold, just because they weren't willin' to do the nasty stuff that Psylocke an' I would.
So they made a clone of you to replace you when you left?
Yeah, an' then another an' another, when they needed me t' be in more an' more places. Sometimes they'd make clones o' clones, an' that ain't ever good. Like makin' a copy of a copy - y'lose a lot o' the original. I mean, did you read that Poptopia story where I couldn't even beat a normal guy with a flamethrower?!? That was a clone... of a clone... of a clone.
Yeah... that explains a lot....
But look, y'oughtta stop blamin' the editors - it's yer own damn fault the stories got so bad.
What?!? How could it be my fault?
You an' all the others like ya. You whine an' bitch an' moan about how bad these books are, about how bad these stories are, an yet ya keep supportin' the system that gives 'em to ya. Did ya really think Uncanny X-Men #423 was gonna be any good?
Well, no....
Did ya buy it?
Well, yeah, but... well, I mean, I didn't want to break up my run....
Ya idiot... so there ya are, supportin', givin' money to the stuff ya hate. How many copies o' X-Force #1 did ya buy?
Well, I think I had five or six....
But you said you hated Liefeld!
Yeah, but it was an investment, y'know! I mean, I could boycott bad books myself, but what can one guy really do?
If everybody said that, nothin' would ever get done. That's a cop-out, boy. You oughta... hold on... I smell somethin'.
What? Is somebody coming?
Yeah. And he smells... hungry. Is that... yeah, it's him. Excuse me a minute, will ya?
Look, I told ya, I can't help with the whole Ragnarok thing.
I say thee nay, mine mortal comrade. The Son of Odin comes now for another reason entire.
Okay. What do ya need?
The Thunder God needs pie.
... beg pardon?
The Scion of Asgard desires pie!
... pie, y'say?
Mighty Thor CRAVES pie!!!
Okay, okay, I hear ya. Calm down. Don't know why ya came here - I ain't never baked a pie.
Long hath noble Thor searched, mine mortal ally. The wantings of the gods must be sated!
Ask yer pals in Asgard for help.
Verily, this was attempted, howe'er, All-Father Odin hath exiled his favored son for a churlish attempt at thievery, when Mighty Thor did see the delicious pie devoured by his omnipotent patriarch.
Oh. Well, what about the Avengers?
Woe, for the Thunder God hath been suspended from membership after yon unfortunate misunderstanding with the Vision!
How about yer ol' friend from yer secret identity - Doctor... Foster or somethin'?
Aye... AYE!!! Thou art both brave and wise, friend mutant! Mighty Thor hadst forgotten all about the lovely Doctor Foster. The Son of Odin shall whirl mighty Mjolnir anon, and travel there forthwith!
Yeah, you do that. Good luck....
Okay, sorry about that.
Who was that you were talking to in the other room? Whoever it was, he made a hell of a racket....
Ah, just an old friend I met a long time ago on another planet. Look, the root of yer problem all these years has been that you hated these stories, right? But that didn't stop ya from buyin' them... again and again and again. Yer perpetuatin' the very thing you claim to hate, all in the name o' some idiotic need to be complete, to own ALL o' the books. An' yet, they were books ya didn't wanna read, an' it became painfully obvious after a while that their value wasn't goin' anywhere.
You know, I remember a time when every single book you'd ever appeared in had increased in value. Every single one.
Yeah, but back then it was the real me, and because it was only me, no clones, the supply was a lot less. Lower supply, fewer appearances, higher demand, higher resale value. Look, I don't know much about business, but I know that.
What can I say? You're right.
Course I am. Now look, you gotta go back t' that column o' yours.
What?!? No way. I am NOT working with those idiots anymore, prophecy be damned.
Now yer just bein' stupid again. If this prophecy you keep talkin' about, that the books will improve and kids get ding-dongs...
Twinkies.
... kids get twinkies if you answer these questions an' do this column... you gotta responsibility, kid. You gotta go back.
Responsibility, huh?
Yeah, I used to hang out with Spider-Man, some.
Maybe. Maybe later. I need to get my head together. I mean, I don't read the books anymore, I've had a company threaten to sue me, I've been lied to and cheated... we'll see.
Good. Look, kid, I've said what I needed to say. You go back when yer ready.
Right. Just answer me this first. Is Logan your first name, or your last name?
Ain't noone ever asked me that before, kid. Sure, it's my0101001110101000101010101010101010101000010100
01001000010101000111WHY NOBODY ELSE CAN EVER KNOW THAT HE IS THE THIRD SUMMERS BROTHER. AND NOW YOU KNOW, DEAR READER, AND THAT'S THE LAST I'LL EVER SPEAK OF IT.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR THIS OFFBEAT, GREAT-JUMPING-ON-POINT, STAND-ALONE-ISSUE, BUT JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE ALL NEW, COMPLETELY RELAUNCHED, REBRANDED, AND RELOGOED "NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!" WE'LL HAVE A NEW TEAM IN ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, SO PLEASE SEND THEM TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM TODAY! IT'S THE FIRST ISSUE OF A BRAND NEW DIRECTION WITH A NEW CREATIVE TEAM, AND ANOTHER GREAT JUMPING ON POINT WITH PLENTY OF APPEAL FOR YOUNGER READERS, FEMALE READERS, AND ANIME FANS, GUEST-STARRING INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASIMAYA... UMMM... INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASAYAMAPAPAYA... UMMM... AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR! DON'T MISS IT!
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