Jim Lemoine
Jun 23, 2005, 07:15 pm
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi6.jpg" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
Look, Mighty edi-Tor, I'm really getting confused by all this. I thought this was a letters column. So what's up with all the guest-stars and story arcs and murder mysteries?
IT ALL ADDS HUMAN INTEREST. AND COMIC FANS LOVE CONTINUITY. THAT BOOSTS READERSHIP.
Do they really love continuity? I'm not even sure anymore. Wasn't the whole point of the last five years of comics than fans hate continuity? I mean, how many people reading this actually remember what happened in the last five columns, or even care who killed the little runt?
JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED, JIM... AND THERE IS THE GRAND PROPHECY, REMEMBER: IF THE QUESTIONS OF THE READERS BE ANSWERED, AND THE COLUMN CONTINUES, A TIME OF LIGHT WILL COME UPON THE COMIC READING WORLD, WONDER WILL RETURN TO THE MAJOR COMPANIES, TRANSFORMERS TIE-INS WILL STOP SUCKING, THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD SHALL ENJOY FLUFFY TWINKIES, AND THE ANSWERER OF THE QUESTIONS SHALL ENJOY THE ATTENTIONS OF THE LOVELY WANDA.
Right, and those last two parts are the only reasons why I'm still here.
SO LET'S DO SOME QUESTIONS! A POSTER NAMED 'RICKY' ASKED TWENTY-TWO QUESTIONS, BUT WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR ONE RIGHT NOW: 'WHO KILLED HOODED JUSTICE? WAS IT THE COMEDIAN, OR WASN'T IT?'
Nah, see, I never bought that theory. I figured that whoever killed him had to know who he really was, and he'd have to have a lot of cajones to pull it off. HJ kicked the Comedian's ass before, and I'm sure he could've done it again. If you ask me, there were only two people in the Watchmen universe smart enough to figure out the identity of Hooded Justice: one was a psychopath in a trenchcoat, and the other had his own toy line. And while both of those characters might have had their motives (be they homophobic mania or a simple desire to test oneself), only the latter, I'd guess, could easily beat Hooded Justice in a fight.
WATCHMEN WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER WITH SOME MUTANT APPEARANCES.
And speaking of mutant appearances... that reminds me. Last column I had that idea to go to Deadland - the little clawed runt will be there, so we can just ask him who killed him!
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S SUCH A GOOD...
... and here we are. Wow, those time-shares really are going up all over the place. And that house over there is really... blue. What's with the 'Bwah-hah-hah' painted on the side?
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY NOT VERY COMFORTABLE HERE...
Uncle Ben will know where the mutant is... hello, Uncle Ben? Doesn't seem to be anybody at home... maybe they're upstairs... Uncle Ben? Where are you? Uncle...
Who's a bad boy? You are, aren't you? Who wants wheatcakes now, bitch?
Oh my #*&$ing God!
AHHH!!! Who? Oh... Jim! Ummm... this isn't what it looks like - I mean... well....
I think I've gone blind!
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE BONDAGE GEAR WITH SPECIAL ATTACHMENTS FOR DENTURES...
I hope I've gone blind!
Here, let me throw a robe on... May-clone-from-Amazing #400, why don't you go change...
Oh, my... yes, dear....
WHAT'S THAT DRIPPING FROM THE RIDING CROP?
... please... just shut up... Uncle Ben... that was... I mean....
Sorry you walked in there, son... bad timing. But you know, old dead people need lovin', too.
Ummm... I... I've gotta get that image out of my head. Ask a question or something, Mighty edi-Tor.
OKAY. JANNE PIETIKAINEN ASKS, "WHY CAN'T GWEN STACY STAY DEAD?"
Well, that's a silly question. Gwen's been here in Deadland for years.
I think what Janne means is family members and clones and... and... look, will you tie up the front of your robe please? The view makes it difficult to concentrate.
Jealousy ill-becomes you, Jim.
I... look, I'm not here for this. The answer, Janne, is this: Gwen is dead, but nobody makes any money off a dead character who stays dead. To bring Gwen back would be the ultimate insult to Mary Jane, Peter's tragedy, and years of Spider-Man stories - which isn't to say that Marvel wouldn't do it anyway, but it does make it very difficult. Gwen, Bucky, and Uncle Ben are the only ones who get to stay dead around here.
HOW IS BUCKY, BY THE WAY? LAST TIME WE WERE HERE, HE SEEMED TO BE HAVING SOME ODD ISSUES WITH RORSCHACH AND NORTHSTAR.
That boy's so damned impressionable. He's been hanging out in the desert part of Deadland lately with that Rawhide Kid.
Well, if it makes him happy. Here's the core of the question, though: Gwen was one of Marvel's greatest characters. Most people in the modern days of Mary Jane craze don't remember just how special she was - she was smart, intelligent, scientific, kind, but vulnerable - a very realistic character and an altogether perfect match for poor Peter. Her death was a defining moment in the Marvel Universe and the single instance that really solidified Spider-Man as the ultimate hard-luck hero. Because of that, writers and editors will eternally be clawing at the sides of her coffin to attempt to latch on to some of her greatness.
Not to be rude, son... but is there a reason you came barging in here?
Oh, right... I was hoping you could tell us where one of your recent additions to Deadland ended up. He was a short guy... a mutant... claws and funky hair. Where could I find him?
A short mutant with claws... oh, you mean like that fellow in the banana yellow costume who was with you last time you came here?
Right! He was with us, I forgot. Where is he?
Well, he's not here. Why, did you think he died?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's dead... we saw his head explode.
You must be mistaken. Nobody here matches that description, definitely nobody new.
Are you sure? He was very dead, and then the body got devoured...
Sorry, son. He's not here.
Well... okay. See you next time. Don't do anything I wouldn't... wait, you already have. Never mind.
Okay, we're back. That was weird. Does this mean the mutant isn't dead?
STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT - WE'VE GOT LOTS OF QUESTIONS. KEN BOEHM ASKS, "HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING THE COLUMN ABOUT FIVE MONTHS LATE? THAT WAY IT'S FASHIONABLY LATE IN THE VEIN OF THOSE PUNK ARTISTS OUT THERE, AND GUARANTEES MORE READERS."
Look, if you ask me, late books are completely inexcusable. In what, a decade of Fantastic Four stories? Stan Lee and Jack Kirby never shipped a late issue. Not once. And Jack was pencilling two or three books most of the time, sometimes more, and Stan was writing a ton of books in those early days. Despite that workload, despite being in a cramped office with no huge bullpen or corporate structure to back them up, they never shipped a book out late - in fact, they just moved more and more books from bi-monthly to monthly. And in the days following that, editors kept fill-in stories on file so they'd always have something to run to keep a book's regular schedule going. So there's no way...
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
What's a great idea?
SHIPPING THE COLUMN LATE. KEN'S RIGHT. NOT ONLY IS RELEASING LATE CONSIDERED FASHIONABLE, BUT IT ALSO GRANTS YOU LOTS OF FREE ADVERTISING THROUGH WORD-OF-MOUTH AND P.R.
Well, yeah... but it's bad P.R., right?
SILLY LITTLE JIM... ALL P.R. IS GOOD P.R. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, KEN! LOOK FOR THE NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT #8 TO BE FASHIONABLY LATE, AS YOU SUGGESTED.
Are you serious?
LOOK, I NEED TO GO PICK UP MY PAYCHECK AND THE SALES NUMBERS ON OUR LATEST LIMITED SERIESES... SERIEUSES... UMMM... SEREI? ANYWAY, HERE'S A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS TO ANSWER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Ummm... okay... well, let's see... Anand Khatri asks, "If Marvel was to do another Moon Knight book, who would you pick for the creative team?" Moon Knight, huh? Okay, this may sound kind of lame, but my favorite Moon Knight stories weren't actually in the pages of his solo book - it was during his depressingly short membership in the West Coast Avengers. I really liked how Steve Englehart (hands-down the best writer of the Bronze Age, if you ask me) focused on the boss-peon relationship of the Moon God and the Moon Knight, and how he focused on Spector's origins, split personalities, and anti-social nature. So it'd have to be Steve Englehart as writer.
I need to talk to you.
GAAAAAHHHH!!! Who... oh, it's you, Dark Knight. Geez, don't sneak up on a guy like that.
I need to talk to you.
Just a sec. As for the artist... well... for a book that's mystical and mysterious in nature, there are two artists who immediately pop to mind: Chris Bachalo, and ChrisCross. Although while we're talking Chrises, Chris Giarrusso would make a great artist, too.
Listen, I've been thinking about this murder case you brought me...
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that! Turns out the little runt wasn't in Deadland, so I'm guessing that means that...
I keep asking myself... who benefits? And I keep reviewing those seven suspect sketches I sent you...
Whoa, hold up. Seven? I thought there were six. I haven't seen a seventh one.
What? That explains... hold on... what's that, Boy Wonder? A grave robbery? Somebody's defiled Ralph's wife's grave? You say the body's missing? Rev up the Batmobile and pour me a glass from the Batwatercooler... I'm on my way!
And there he goes. Huh. Who knew he could spontaneously West-inize like that? Well... anyway... edi-Tor left another question. Let's see... a poster named "B.Schatz" asks, "Why doesn't Thor just beat up a hobo, and take their hobo pie?"
Well....
Mighty Thor was distraught yet again. At first, the Son of Odin had thought his godly hunger might at last be sated, when the kind hobo mortal had offered him a bit of yon 'hobo pie' delicacy. However, as with most of the Thunder God's latest forays in his quest for delicious pie, things had worked out in a way not worthy of Mighty Thor.
"Thou callest this pie, mine malodorous friend?" had asked Mighty Thor.
"Sure, that's m'special hobo pie!" said the fragrant pile of rags.
"But... but... where be the light, flaky crust?" queried the Thunder God. "Where be yon delectable fruity filling? The Son of Odin sees naught but old bovine meat, verily, and aye, that be a stalk of celery, and here, what looks to Thor a jelly bean, and... be that... be that a doorknob?"
"Heee, heeee, heeee," wheezed the Thunder God's new friend, "Puts hair on yer chest, y'damn hippy! Now eat up!"
"Nay," had said the Pride of Asgard in despair, "How low hast Mighty Thor fallen? Gone from the Golden Realm, removed from yon Mighty Avengers, forced to share a meal of hardware with yon beggar?!?"
"Eat yer pie."
The storm clouds gathered as the God of Thunder rose in anger.
"This... be... not... PIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!" he screamed as the weather let loose all the rage of weeks, weeks of hunting, weeks of searching, weeks without pie.
And so did the Mighty Thor leave the mortal city of New York, destruction in his godly wake, as the storm clouds he had formed rent the city asunder and caused torrential rains to fall, instantly snuffing the flame of the mortal hero known as the Human Torch, while he was embarked in a high speed chase five hundred feet above the ground, after which the Torch fell to his death.
And now, Mighty Thor, exiled from his homeland after attempting to take the pie of Mighty Odin and suspended from his mortal fellowship of Avengers, found his godly self with nowhere to turn. Then did Mighty Thor remember that once, 'pon a time o'er a decade hence, the God of Thunder had made a friendship with a mortal who was both brave and wise. Yon mortal had retreated to exile, but might be able to help Mighty Thor find pie. Twirling Mighty Mjolnir to form a dimensional vortex, the Son of Odin stepped through to another part of Midgard, one far away from the confines of America.
SURREAL.
Dandelion... hey, you're back! Man, what's with the fur coat? It's hot outside!
WELL... LET'S JUST SAY THAT SALES OF OUR NEW LIMITED SERIES WERE REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
So you went out and bought a fur coat and a pimp hat? How good were they?
REALLY GOOD.
So what, was this another of those "Death of a Hero" specials you've been marketing to cash in on the death of the clawed X-Man?
WELL, NOT EXACTLY... SEE... AH... HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION! FOXTROT258 ASKS, "WHILE KILOWOG WAS DEAD/AN ENERGY BEING, WAS HE MORE STRONGER THAN WHEN HE WAS ALIVE, IN A SORT OF "IF YOU CUT ME DOWN I'LL BE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE," STAR WARS-Y KIND OF WAY?"
Oh, a Green Lantern question. Okay, Foxtrot, I should let you know that a while back, I swore off the Green Lantern line. All the Lanterns, the death of Oa, the rebirth of Oa, Hal's evil, Hal's dead, Hal's the Spectre, Hal's alive, Kyle's girlfriend's still refrigerated... it was just all too confusing. To answer this question properly, I'd have to do some research - is Kilowog alive, is he a ghost zombie, is he still dead, is he Dark Lantern? I can't keep up. And I have absolutely refused to read any more GL books until DC publishes the pitch I sent them for a great one-shot, entitled G'nort Dies an Incredibly Painful Death While Batman Punches Guy in the Nose Again.
Here's an excerpt:
G'NORT: Gee, guys, why are you all looking at me like that?
MARTIAN MANHUNTER: We told you not to use the time machine, G'nort....
G'NORT: I just thought it would be fun to see Krypton before it exploded....
SUPERMAN: YOU blew up Krypton, you idiot!
G'NORT: I didn't know the reactor would blow up like that. And I wanted to meet Batman's family....
BATMAN: So YOU were the one who told the shooter where to find them?!?
G'NORT: I was just asking for directions. And I wanted to help the Flash beat the Anti-Monitor...
FLASH: You were the one who ended up getting Barry killed!
G'NORT: Gosh, well how was I supposed to know that tripping him while he was running on the cosmic treadmill was a bad thing?
GUY GARDNER: And you blew up Oa! Again!!!
POW!
FALL TO FLOOR NOISE!
SUPERMAN: What did you do that for?
BATMAN: It helps me release tension.
SUPERMAN: I've called in a specialist to deal with G'Nort....
LOBO: Hiya, kids. Hey, will you hold this catheter while I get started?
So sorry, until this story is published in graphic form, I can't comment on Kilowog's dead-alive power levels. Now... so, edi-Tor, if this wasn't your "Death of a Hero" series that made you so much money, what was it?
WELL, GUESS YOU'D FIND OUT EVENTUALLY... IT WAS THE "RETURN OF A HERO" SERIES.
WHAT?!?? So he wasn't dead, after all?
OH NO, HE WAS DEAD... TURNS OUT THAT WAS JUST A CLONE. SO NOW WE GET TO DO A BIG SERIES BRINGING THE... AH... ORIGINAL... BACK. SEE, HERE HE IS!
Hey, bub.
A... clone? Wait a minute... if the one that got killed was a clone, then... then....
HEY, IT'S QUESTION TIME. ABBATOIR ASKS, "WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE SHAPESHIFTER TOYS? THEY'RE BACK, BUT NOW IRON MAN TURNS INTO AN AXE, AND VENOM TURNS INTO A THREE-HEADED SERPENT. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT ONE?"
Whoever it was, I want some of what he's on. Have you read the promotional materials, about how it's the ultimate toy because it "seamlessly" blends superheroes with transforming robots? Marvel's marketing folks have got the distribution end down pat, and they're creative, I'll give them that, but they haven't done much for the integrity of their brands.
I hear I turn into a Hummer, bub.
Yup, and the Punisher turns into a pistol, the Human Torch turns into a pack of cigarettes, the Vision becomes an Apple IIc, and Daredevil transforms into a Marville trade paperback written in Braille.
WELL, THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER COLUMN. TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHEN YOU'LL HEAR JIM SAY...
Wait just one minute. We still haven't figured out who the murderer is.
DOES IT MATTER NOW? WE'VE GOT HIM BACK, AND SALES ARE GREAT. WITH ALL THE APPEARANCES AND MENTIONS, THIS COLUMN'S FUTURE IS ASSURED!
Yes, yes, it does matter who killed him. I was thinking about some things the Dark Knight said - he said there were seven suspect profiles. You only showed me six.
YEAH, WELL, THAT LAST ONE DIDN'T REALLY MATTER, IT WAS TOO UNFEASIBLE TO BE TRUE...
You were the one who shared those profiles, and the only profile I didn't see was yours.
OH, COME ON, JIM, YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY THINK I WOULD...
And who benefits from his death? Not us having to read these endless cheesy tribute stories and the even worse retcon return stories: you're the one who benefits, because you get to sell lots of poorly thought out comics.
NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING....
You've been bragging for months about the success of your spin-off series... it was you, wasn't it? A few of the readers, Sir Robin, Qubic, Halofan247... they were right all along. And you knew all the time it was a clone, so you could easily bring him back for even more "special events," right?
... UMMM... WELL, OKAY. SURE, I ADMIT IT. BUT IT'S NOT A CRIME TO KILL A CLONE.
Wait, this explains so much... this guy isn't the original either, is he? And all those versions in New Avengers, X-Men, Uncanny X-Men, Astonishing, even his solo book... then which one's the original?
UMM... WELL... NONE OF THEM.
What?!?
SEE, WHEN CLAREMONT LEFT THE X-BOOKS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, WE REALIZED WE COULDN'T RISK ANYTHING BAD ACTUALLY HAPPENING TO OUR STAR PLAYER. SO HE VOLUNTARILY WENT INTO EXILE, AND WE MADE A CLONE TO COVER FOR HIM.
We haven't seen the real one in fifteen years?!?
YEAH, HE WENT TO MADRIPOOR OR SOMETHING. SO ANYWAY, THEN WE STARTED MAKING CLONES OF THE CLONE, Y'KNOW, TO FILL SPACE AND GET HIM IN MORE BOOKS. WE KINDA GOT A BIT OF MULTIPLICITY SYNDROME GOING, WHERE THE CLONE OF THE CLONE STARTS TO LOSE SOME OF THE ORIGINAL (THE ONE AUSTEN WAS WORKING WITH WAS IN REALLY BAD SHAPE), BUT MOST PEOPLE NEVER NOTICE.
Wait... let me get this straight - you've got clones in all your books, and clones of clones, and the real one hasn't been seen in years, and you kill the clones every so often to raise sales?
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. MOST PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE. GENIUS, HUH?
Yeah. Genius. Right. I'm not going to be a party to this anymore. I quit.
WHAT??? BUT THE PROPHECY... THE TWINKIES... WANDA'S CORSET...
Keep 'em. It's not worth it. I'm gonna go find something real.
BUT... BUT... JIM?
JIM??
WELL, AH... DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL, TRUE BELIEVERS! KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR OUR NEXT, REBRANDED ISSUE, WITH THE ALL NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT! AND DON'T FORGET TO E-MAIL THOSE QUESTIONS TO JI... AH... THAT IS, OUR CRACK ANSWERING TEAM... AT BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM!
JIM?
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Bwah-hah-hah is a registered trademark of Beetle & Gold, Inc., one of whom may be showing up in a couple of columns. Hobo pie is a registered trademark of nobody, and that's generally a good thing - but if you do it right, you can make some damn good hobo pie. Marvel's Shapeshifter toys are owned and operated by Toy Biz on behalf of Marvel - coming soon, a Speedball action figure that transforms into a crack pipe!
Look, Mighty edi-Tor, I'm really getting confused by all this. I thought this was a letters column. So what's up with all the guest-stars and story arcs and murder mysteries?
IT ALL ADDS HUMAN INTEREST. AND COMIC FANS LOVE CONTINUITY. THAT BOOSTS READERSHIP.
Do they really love continuity? I'm not even sure anymore. Wasn't the whole point of the last five years of comics than fans hate continuity? I mean, how many people reading this actually remember what happened in the last five columns, or even care who killed the little runt?
JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED, JIM... AND THERE IS THE GRAND PROPHECY, REMEMBER: IF THE QUESTIONS OF THE READERS BE ANSWERED, AND THE COLUMN CONTINUES, A TIME OF LIGHT WILL COME UPON THE COMIC READING WORLD, WONDER WILL RETURN TO THE MAJOR COMPANIES, TRANSFORMERS TIE-INS WILL STOP SUCKING, THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD SHALL ENJOY FLUFFY TWINKIES, AND THE ANSWERER OF THE QUESTIONS SHALL ENJOY THE ATTENTIONS OF THE LOVELY WANDA.
Right, and those last two parts are the only reasons why I'm still here.
SO LET'S DO SOME QUESTIONS! A POSTER NAMED 'RICKY' ASKED TWENTY-TWO QUESTIONS, BUT WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR ONE RIGHT NOW: 'WHO KILLED HOODED JUSTICE? WAS IT THE COMEDIAN, OR WASN'T IT?'
Nah, see, I never bought that theory. I figured that whoever killed him had to know who he really was, and he'd have to have a lot of cajones to pull it off. HJ kicked the Comedian's ass before, and I'm sure he could've done it again. If you ask me, there were only two people in the Watchmen universe smart enough to figure out the identity of Hooded Justice: one was a psychopath in a trenchcoat, and the other had his own toy line. And while both of those characters might have had their motives (be they homophobic mania or a simple desire to test oneself), only the latter, I'd guess, could easily beat Hooded Justice in a fight.
WATCHMEN WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER WITH SOME MUTANT APPEARANCES.
And speaking of mutant appearances... that reminds me. Last column I had that idea to go to Deadland - the little clawed runt will be there, so we can just ask him who killed him!
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S SUCH A GOOD...
... and here we are. Wow, those time-shares really are going up all over the place. And that house over there is really... blue. What's with the 'Bwah-hah-hah' painted on the side?
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY NOT VERY COMFORTABLE HERE...
Uncle Ben will know where the mutant is... hello, Uncle Ben? Doesn't seem to be anybody at home... maybe they're upstairs... Uncle Ben? Where are you? Uncle...
Who's a bad boy? You are, aren't you? Who wants wheatcakes now, bitch?
Oh my #*&$ing God!
AHHH!!! Who? Oh... Jim! Ummm... this isn't what it looks like - I mean... well....
I think I've gone blind!
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE BONDAGE GEAR WITH SPECIAL ATTACHMENTS FOR DENTURES...
I hope I've gone blind!
Here, let me throw a robe on... May-clone-from-Amazing #400, why don't you go change...
Oh, my... yes, dear....
WHAT'S THAT DRIPPING FROM THE RIDING CROP?
... please... just shut up... Uncle Ben... that was... I mean....
Sorry you walked in there, son... bad timing. But you know, old dead people need lovin', too.
Ummm... I... I've gotta get that image out of my head. Ask a question or something, Mighty edi-Tor.
OKAY. JANNE PIETIKAINEN ASKS, "WHY CAN'T GWEN STACY STAY DEAD?"
Well, that's a silly question. Gwen's been here in Deadland for years.
I think what Janne means is family members and clones and... and... look, will you tie up the front of your robe please? The view makes it difficult to concentrate.
Jealousy ill-becomes you, Jim.
I... look, I'm not here for this. The answer, Janne, is this: Gwen is dead, but nobody makes any money off a dead character who stays dead. To bring Gwen back would be the ultimate insult to Mary Jane, Peter's tragedy, and years of Spider-Man stories - which isn't to say that Marvel wouldn't do it anyway, but it does make it very difficult. Gwen, Bucky, and Uncle Ben are the only ones who get to stay dead around here.
HOW IS BUCKY, BY THE WAY? LAST TIME WE WERE HERE, HE SEEMED TO BE HAVING SOME ODD ISSUES WITH RORSCHACH AND NORTHSTAR.
That boy's so damned impressionable. He's been hanging out in the desert part of Deadland lately with that Rawhide Kid.
Well, if it makes him happy. Here's the core of the question, though: Gwen was one of Marvel's greatest characters. Most people in the modern days of Mary Jane craze don't remember just how special she was - she was smart, intelligent, scientific, kind, but vulnerable - a very realistic character and an altogether perfect match for poor Peter. Her death was a defining moment in the Marvel Universe and the single instance that really solidified Spider-Man as the ultimate hard-luck hero. Because of that, writers and editors will eternally be clawing at the sides of her coffin to attempt to latch on to some of her greatness.
Not to be rude, son... but is there a reason you came barging in here?
Oh, right... I was hoping you could tell us where one of your recent additions to Deadland ended up. He was a short guy... a mutant... claws and funky hair. Where could I find him?
A short mutant with claws... oh, you mean like that fellow in the banana yellow costume who was with you last time you came here?
Right! He was with us, I forgot. Where is he?
Well, he's not here. Why, did you think he died?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's dead... we saw his head explode.
You must be mistaken. Nobody here matches that description, definitely nobody new.
Are you sure? He was very dead, and then the body got devoured...
Sorry, son. He's not here.
Well... okay. See you next time. Don't do anything I wouldn't... wait, you already have. Never mind.
Okay, we're back. That was weird. Does this mean the mutant isn't dead?
STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT - WE'VE GOT LOTS OF QUESTIONS. KEN BOEHM ASKS, "HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING THE COLUMN ABOUT FIVE MONTHS LATE? THAT WAY IT'S FASHIONABLY LATE IN THE VEIN OF THOSE PUNK ARTISTS OUT THERE, AND GUARANTEES MORE READERS."
Look, if you ask me, late books are completely inexcusable. In what, a decade of Fantastic Four stories? Stan Lee and Jack Kirby never shipped a late issue. Not once. And Jack was pencilling two or three books most of the time, sometimes more, and Stan was writing a ton of books in those early days. Despite that workload, despite being in a cramped office with no huge bullpen or corporate structure to back them up, they never shipped a book out late - in fact, they just moved more and more books from bi-monthly to monthly. And in the days following that, editors kept fill-in stories on file so they'd always have something to run to keep a book's regular schedule going. So there's no way...
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
What's a great idea?
SHIPPING THE COLUMN LATE. KEN'S RIGHT. NOT ONLY IS RELEASING LATE CONSIDERED FASHIONABLE, BUT IT ALSO GRANTS YOU LOTS OF FREE ADVERTISING THROUGH WORD-OF-MOUTH AND P.R.
Well, yeah... but it's bad P.R., right?
SILLY LITTLE JIM... ALL P.R. IS GOOD P.R. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, KEN! LOOK FOR THE NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT #8 TO BE FASHIONABLY LATE, AS YOU SUGGESTED.
Are you serious?
LOOK, I NEED TO GO PICK UP MY PAYCHECK AND THE SALES NUMBERS ON OUR LATEST LIMITED SERIESES... SERIEUSES... UMMM... SEREI? ANYWAY, HERE'S A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS TO ANSWER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Ummm... okay... well, let's see... Anand Khatri asks, "If Marvel was to do another Moon Knight book, who would you pick for the creative team?" Moon Knight, huh? Okay, this may sound kind of lame, but my favorite Moon Knight stories weren't actually in the pages of his solo book - it was during his depressingly short membership in the West Coast Avengers. I really liked how Steve Englehart (hands-down the best writer of the Bronze Age, if you ask me) focused on the boss-peon relationship of the Moon God and the Moon Knight, and how he focused on Spector's origins, split personalities, and anti-social nature. So it'd have to be Steve Englehart as writer.
I need to talk to you.
GAAAAAHHHH!!! Who... oh, it's you, Dark Knight. Geez, don't sneak up on a guy like that.
I need to talk to you.
Just a sec. As for the artist... well... for a book that's mystical and mysterious in nature, there are two artists who immediately pop to mind: Chris Bachalo, and ChrisCross. Although while we're talking Chrises, Chris Giarrusso would make a great artist, too.
Listen, I've been thinking about this murder case you brought me...
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that! Turns out the little runt wasn't in Deadland, so I'm guessing that means that...
I keep asking myself... who benefits? And I keep reviewing those seven suspect sketches I sent you...
Whoa, hold up. Seven? I thought there were six. I haven't seen a seventh one.
What? That explains... hold on... what's that, Boy Wonder? A grave robbery? Somebody's defiled Ralph's wife's grave? You say the body's missing? Rev up the Batmobile and pour me a glass from the Batwatercooler... I'm on my way!
And there he goes. Huh. Who knew he could spontaneously West-inize like that? Well... anyway... edi-Tor left another question. Let's see... a poster named "B.Schatz" asks, "Why doesn't Thor just beat up a hobo, and take their hobo pie?"
Well....
Mighty Thor was distraught yet again. At first, the Son of Odin had thought his godly hunger might at last be sated, when the kind hobo mortal had offered him a bit of yon 'hobo pie' delicacy. However, as with most of the Thunder God's latest forays in his quest for delicious pie, things had worked out in a way not worthy of Mighty Thor.
"Thou callest this pie, mine malodorous friend?" had asked Mighty Thor.
"Sure, that's m'special hobo pie!" said the fragrant pile of rags.
"But... but... where be the light, flaky crust?" queried the Thunder God. "Where be yon delectable fruity filling? The Son of Odin sees naught but old bovine meat, verily, and aye, that be a stalk of celery, and here, what looks to Thor a jelly bean, and... be that... be that a doorknob?"
"Heee, heeee, heeee," wheezed the Thunder God's new friend, "Puts hair on yer chest, y'damn hippy! Now eat up!"
"Nay," had said the Pride of Asgard in despair, "How low hast Mighty Thor fallen? Gone from the Golden Realm, removed from yon Mighty Avengers, forced to share a meal of hardware with yon beggar?!?"
"Eat yer pie."
The storm clouds gathered as the God of Thunder rose in anger.
"This... be... not... PIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!" he screamed as the weather let loose all the rage of weeks, weeks of hunting, weeks of searching, weeks without pie.
And so did the Mighty Thor leave the mortal city of New York, destruction in his godly wake, as the storm clouds he had formed rent the city asunder and caused torrential rains to fall, instantly snuffing the flame of the mortal hero known as the Human Torch, while he was embarked in a high speed chase five hundred feet above the ground, after which the Torch fell to his death.
And now, Mighty Thor, exiled from his homeland after attempting to take the pie of Mighty Odin and suspended from his mortal fellowship of Avengers, found his godly self with nowhere to turn. Then did Mighty Thor remember that once, 'pon a time o'er a decade hence, the God of Thunder had made a friendship with a mortal who was both brave and wise. Yon mortal had retreated to exile, but might be able to help Mighty Thor find pie. Twirling Mighty Mjolnir to form a dimensional vortex, the Son of Odin stepped through to another part of Midgard, one far away from the confines of America.
SURREAL.
Dandelion... hey, you're back! Man, what's with the fur coat? It's hot outside!
WELL... LET'S JUST SAY THAT SALES OF OUR NEW LIMITED SERIES WERE REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
So you went out and bought a fur coat and a pimp hat? How good were they?
REALLY GOOD.
So what, was this another of those "Death of a Hero" specials you've been marketing to cash in on the death of the clawed X-Man?
WELL, NOT EXACTLY... SEE... AH... HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION! FOXTROT258 ASKS, "WHILE KILOWOG WAS DEAD/AN ENERGY BEING, WAS HE MORE STRONGER THAN WHEN HE WAS ALIVE, IN A SORT OF "IF YOU CUT ME DOWN I'LL BE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE," STAR WARS-Y KIND OF WAY?"
Oh, a Green Lantern question. Okay, Foxtrot, I should let you know that a while back, I swore off the Green Lantern line. All the Lanterns, the death of Oa, the rebirth of Oa, Hal's evil, Hal's dead, Hal's the Spectre, Hal's alive, Kyle's girlfriend's still refrigerated... it was just all too confusing. To answer this question properly, I'd have to do some research - is Kilowog alive, is he a ghost zombie, is he still dead, is he Dark Lantern? I can't keep up. And I have absolutely refused to read any more GL books until DC publishes the pitch I sent them for a great one-shot, entitled G'nort Dies an Incredibly Painful Death While Batman Punches Guy in the Nose Again.
Here's an excerpt:
G'NORT: Gee, guys, why are you all looking at me like that?
MARTIAN MANHUNTER: We told you not to use the time machine, G'nort....
G'NORT: I just thought it would be fun to see Krypton before it exploded....
SUPERMAN: YOU blew up Krypton, you idiot!
G'NORT: I didn't know the reactor would blow up like that. And I wanted to meet Batman's family....
BATMAN: So YOU were the one who told the shooter where to find them?!?
G'NORT: I was just asking for directions. And I wanted to help the Flash beat the Anti-Monitor...
FLASH: You were the one who ended up getting Barry killed!
G'NORT: Gosh, well how was I supposed to know that tripping him while he was running on the cosmic treadmill was a bad thing?
GUY GARDNER: And you blew up Oa! Again!!!
POW!
FALL TO FLOOR NOISE!
SUPERMAN: What did you do that for?
BATMAN: It helps me release tension.
SUPERMAN: I've called in a specialist to deal with G'Nort....
LOBO: Hiya, kids. Hey, will you hold this catheter while I get started?
So sorry, until this story is published in graphic form, I can't comment on Kilowog's dead-alive power levels. Now... so, edi-Tor, if this wasn't your "Death of a Hero" series that made you so much money, what was it?
WELL, GUESS YOU'D FIND OUT EVENTUALLY... IT WAS THE "RETURN OF A HERO" SERIES.
WHAT?!?? So he wasn't dead, after all?
OH NO, HE WAS DEAD... TURNS OUT THAT WAS JUST A CLONE. SO NOW WE GET TO DO A BIG SERIES BRINGING THE... AH... ORIGINAL... BACK. SEE, HERE HE IS!
Hey, bub.
A... clone? Wait a minute... if the one that got killed was a clone, then... then....
HEY, IT'S QUESTION TIME. ABBATOIR ASKS, "WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE SHAPESHIFTER TOYS? THEY'RE BACK, BUT NOW IRON MAN TURNS INTO AN AXE, AND VENOM TURNS INTO A THREE-HEADED SERPENT. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT ONE?"
Whoever it was, I want some of what he's on. Have you read the promotional materials, about how it's the ultimate toy because it "seamlessly" blends superheroes with transforming robots? Marvel's marketing folks have got the distribution end down pat, and they're creative, I'll give them that, but they haven't done much for the integrity of their brands.
I hear I turn into a Hummer, bub.
Yup, and the Punisher turns into a pistol, the Human Torch turns into a pack of cigarettes, the Vision becomes an Apple IIc, and Daredevil transforms into a Marville trade paperback written in Braille.
WELL, THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER COLUMN. TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHEN YOU'LL HEAR JIM SAY...
Wait just one minute. We still haven't figured out who the murderer is.
DOES IT MATTER NOW? WE'VE GOT HIM BACK, AND SALES ARE GREAT. WITH ALL THE APPEARANCES AND MENTIONS, THIS COLUMN'S FUTURE IS ASSURED!
Yes, yes, it does matter who killed him. I was thinking about some things the Dark Knight said - he said there were seven suspect profiles. You only showed me six.
YEAH, WELL, THAT LAST ONE DIDN'T REALLY MATTER, IT WAS TOO UNFEASIBLE TO BE TRUE...
You were the one who shared those profiles, and the only profile I didn't see was yours.
OH, COME ON, JIM, YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY THINK I WOULD...
And who benefits from his death? Not us having to read these endless cheesy tribute stories and the even worse retcon return stories: you're the one who benefits, because you get to sell lots of poorly thought out comics.
NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING....
You've been bragging for months about the success of your spin-off series... it was you, wasn't it? A few of the readers, Sir Robin, Qubic, Halofan247... they were right all along. And you knew all the time it was a clone, so you could easily bring him back for even more "special events," right?
... UMMM... WELL, OKAY. SURE, I ADMIT IT. BUT IT'S NOT A CRIME TO KILL A CLONE.
Wait, this explains so much... this guy isn't the original either, is he? And all those versions in New Avengers, X-Men, Uncanny X-Men, Astonishing, even his solo book... then which one's the original?
UMM... WELL... NONE OF THEM.
What?!?
SEE, WHEN CLAREMONT LEFT THE X-BOOKS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, WE REALIZED WE COULDN'T RISK ANYTHING BAD ACTUALLY HAPPENING TO OUR STAR PLAYER. SO HE VOLUNTARILY WENT INTO EXILE, AND WE MADE A CLONE TO COVER FOR HIM.
We haven't seen the real one in fifteen years?!?
YEAH, HE WENT TO MADRIPOOR OR SOMETHING. SO ANYWAY, THEN WE STARTED MAKING CLONES OF THE CLONE, Y'KNOW, TO FILL SPACE AND GET HIM IN MORE BOOKS. WE KINDA GOT A BIT OF MULTIPLICITY SYNDROME GOING, WHERE THE CLONE OF THE CLONE STARTS TO LOSE SOME OF THE ORIGINAL (THE ONE AUSTEN WAS WORKING WITH WAS IN REALLY BAD SHAPE), BUT MOST PEOPLE NEVER NOTICE.
Wait... let me get this straight - you've got clones in all your books, and clones of clones, and the real one hasn't been seen in years, and you kill the clones every so often to raise sales?
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. MOST PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE. GENIUS, HUH?
Yeah. Genius. Right. I'm not going to be a party to this anymore. I quit.
WHAT??? BUT THE PROPHECY... THE TWINKIES... WANDA'S CORSET...
Keep 'em. It's not worth it. I'm gonna go find something real.
BUT... BUT... JIM?
JIM??
WELL, AH... DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL, TRUE BELIEVERS! KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR OUR NEXT, REBRANDED ISSUE, WITH THE ALL NEW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT! AND DON'T FORGET TO E-MAIL THOSE QUESTIONS TO JI... AH... THAT IS, OUR CRACK ANSWERING TEAM... AT BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM!
JIM?
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Bwah-hah-hah is a registered trademark of Beetle & Gold, Inc., one of whom may be showing up in a couple of columns. Hobo pie is a registered trademark of nobody, and that's generally a good thing - but if you do it right, you can make some damn good hobo pie. Marvel's Shapeshifter toys are owned and operated by Toy Biz on behalf of Marvel - coming soon, a Speedball action figure that transforms into a crack pipe!