Jim Lemoine
Jun 9, 2005, 07:08 pm
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi2.gif" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
That's an... interesting... line-up of guest-stars.
WE NEED THE BIGGEST DRAWS WE CAN GET, JIM. WE'RE NOT EVEN THROUGH OUR FIRST STORY-ARC YET, AND THEY'RE ALREADY TALKING CANCELLATION.
What?!? But... but we haven't had a chance yet! We need time to grow our readership! And most importantly, your damn Prophecy hasn't come true yet, and I still haven't experienced the flakey goodness of the promised Twinkies!
WELL, UPPER MANAGEMENT ISN'T TOO COMFORTABLE WITH NEW COLUMNS THESE DAYS - THEY PREFER TO STICK TO THE TRIED AND TRUE. I'M THINKING A NAME CHANGE MIGHT HELP.
A name change? You mean change the name of the column?
RIGHT. THE BOYS DOWN IN MARKETING SAY THAT "BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT" DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYBODY. THEY WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME TO "FANTASTIC X-SPIDER."
That... that's ridiculous! I mean, how is that any better? What the hell does "Fantastic X-Spider" mean to anybody?!?
TO THE BOYS IN MARKETING, IT MEANS BIG, BIG BUCKS.
Like, hi, we're totally here! And look, I'm pregnant!
AAAAAHHHHH!!!! It's that chick who's working with Doctor Nefarious to wipe out humanity!
NO, YOU'RE THINKING OF RATCHET AND CLANK AGAIN. CALM DOWN.
Oh. That's right, the girl who worked with Nefarious could actually sing.
I'm so totally excited to be here! And look, I'm pregnant!
AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY, VICTOR? THANKS FOR COMING BY.
Doom is hungry! Doom desires catering! Doom shall conquer the pitiful vegetable tray!
We can't afford catering. But I think we've still got those M&M's the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse regurgitated last month...
Like, wow, those are so totally colorful! And look, I'm...
You've got one in the oven. Yes, we know.
{giggle}
Doom shall not eat these! They are covered with mantis mucus!
Yeah, they are kinda gross, now that you mention...
Oh, stop complaining and get out of the way. I'll eat them....
Ick. Okay, so are we doing the question thing or what?
RIGHT - ANSWERING QUESTIONS BOOSTS READERSHIP. JANNE PIETIKAINEN ASKS, "WOULD IT HELP THE COMIC BOOK MEDIUM IF CELEBRITIES WROTE SOME?"
That's an interesting question. The comics by Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon brought a bit of mainstream attention to the medium, although not nearly as much as most comic book readers seem to think. On the other hand, the recent entry of Orson Scott Card into the field only raised eyebrows among his regular readers, and mainstream sci-fi devotees didn't hear about it or didn't care. I think that what this goes to show is that people might care if they knew about it, but comics don't really have the marketing power to inform them. Furthermore...
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE OUR MEGA-POPULAR GUEST STAR ANSWER THIS QUESTION.
What, you mean her?!?
{BBEEEEEEEELLLLLLLCCCCHHHHH!!!}
{giggle}
MORE EXPOSURE FOR THE POPULAR CHARACTERS EQUALS MORE READERS. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM - IF YOU COULD WRITE A COMIC BOOK, WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?
Oh, I have the best idea ever! Like, it would totally be about this realistic girl who wants to be a star, and like, she totally has a great singing voice, but she's stuck in like nowheresville in like Louisiana or something. Then she finally makes it big, but she won't give up her morals and become a slut or anything! That would be totally cool!
And let me guess - it ends with her... getting pregnant?
Like, wow, what a great ending! And did you know I'm pregnant?
So who's the father, anyway?
That's so totally lame. Don't you watch the news?
Sure. I read a fascinating and disturbing essay just the other day about the ongoing genocides and starvation in Africa, and another story on the beatings of democracy activists in Egypt, and another on the future of the European Union...
No, stupid... like, real news. Y'know, like, on TV? Michael Jackson trial and stuff?
Oh. No, no, I don't. But I think I heard the father's... Justin Timberlake?
I THOUGHT IT WAS THAT DOCTOR PHIL GUY.
Doom heard that it was Air Bud.
What?
Stop looking at Doom like that.
God, you are all like such total losers.
Doom still wants M & M's!
You sure this is going to bring in readers?
SURE IT WILL - ESPECIALLY AFTER WE UNMASK THE KILLER OF OUR MUTANT HERO....
Oh, yeah... I'd forgotten all about him. Has the Dark Knight turned up any new leads?
HE SENT OVER SOME NEW SUSPECT FILES THIS MORNING.
Suspect Name: The Lone Locust of the Apocalypse
Connection to Crime: Ate victim's corpse
Psychological Profile: Homicidal dementia, extreme selfishness, usually hungry
Motive: Hungry, and may have thought the mutant looked like a crunchy snack
Notes: Ate body. Disposing of evidence?
AS MEMORY SERVES, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LET HIM EAT THE BODY.
How many times do I have to tell you? It wasn't me!!!
Like, you're a total loser, you stupid murderer. By the way, I'm pregnant!
If I was a murderer, I know who'd be next on the list....
PIEDMON SAMA WRITES, "WHO WOULD WIN IN A SORCERER'S DUEL BETWEEN GRANT MORRISON AND ALAN MOORE?"
It would be a hard fought battle indeed, between two of the most talented and obscure writers of the graphic medium. In fact, I think....
REMEMBER, WE NEED TO INCREASE SALES - BE SURE YOU MENTION X-MEN IN YOUR ANSWER!
... I think... it would go something like this:
Moore: Stand aside, Grant Morrison. Your magickal talent is nothing compared to the frabjous might of Moore!
Morrison: Old stories, old style, make way for the new, Alan Moore. My vorpal cantrips shall utterly destroy you!
Moore: Rorschachius Melipromethius!
Morrison: Ahhh!!!! I feel... my mind... splintering... no... I can still... Filthican Patrollius!
Moore: Memory... slipping... can't stop... thinking of... tentacles and scissors... Hydeus Grifficus!
Morrison: OWWWWW!!!! My ass!!! All right, you bastard... you've earned my death spell... Jeanifus Aztekicus!
Moore: Ha ha ha ha... now you've spent all your magical power... and you've only slain my homunculus!
Morrison: {pant, pant} Your... homunculus... intercepted the spell? What homunculus?
Moore: The one on my head, you fool! The hairy octopus! What, you thought it was hair? And now... Jackdawicus V!
Morrison: No... the death spell... nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I'll get you, Alan Moore... and your little... squid... too.....
And there you have it. Alan Moore wins.
Doom would defeat them both!
Maybe, but only if you used that kick-ass magic armor from Waid's run.
Like, I totally didn't understand any of that... but it sounded stupid.
Why are you here?
MORE READERS, REMEMBER? EVERYBODY LOVES HER!
Didn't I read somewhere that her reality show came in like 96th in the ratings?
TV watchers are, like, so totally stupid. Really, they don't know what's good for them!
Besides, I'd think you'd be too busy trying to figure out who killed our favorite mutant to worry about the cancellation of this column.
WE'RE WORKING ON IT. THERE'S A SCHOOL OF THOUGHT THAT SAYS DOOM DID IT.
Doom would have no need to hide in the shadows, if Doom were the killer! Doom would stand bravely and proclaim to the world, "Yes, Doom killed the annoying little mutant! Come forth and accolade Doom, that you may bask in Doom's glory!"
I think I'm starting to like this guy.
NO, REALLY... READ THIS:
Suspect Name: Doctor Victor Von Doom
Connection to Crime: Knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Megalomania, arrogance, tendency to refer to self in third person
Motive: Has defeated the mutant several times in combat before
Notes: Considers victim to be "one of those meddling kids who stops me from taking over the world." Big fan of American Idol.
Doom will destroy Paula Abdul for sullying the honor of the grand contest!
Look, are any of these suspect profiles getting us any closer to finding out who actually killed him?
WELL... AH... HERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION! EKLIPSE ASKS, "WHEN WILL GUY GARDNER GET HIS OLD FUNNY HAIRSTYLE BACK?"
Yeah, that's a good question. For years now, Guy's looked like... well... like just about any other nineties-influenced superhero. I remember grimacing when I first saw the Warrior look - rippling muscles, obscure face-paint, and tousled, constantly windblown bangs floating over his eyes.
Doom... Doom once had tousled windblown bangs.
Oh, that's like so totally sad. What happened to them?
They were taken from Doom by... by...
Oh geez, here it comes...
RIIIICCCHHHHHAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDDSSSSSSS!!!
You know, you sound just like Captain Kirk in Wrath of Khan when you do that.
... Doom would kick Kirk's ass.
But back to the point - Gardner's hair is close to the old bowl-cut now, but not quite what we'd all like to see. I guess we'll have to wait for one of two things to happen - either DC needs to undo everything they've been doing lately to destroy the old light-hearted Justice League and restore the characters (and Guy) to their original splendor... OR the Beatles need to make a big comeback (and that's original bowl-cut Beatles, not latter-day hippie Beatles).
Like, who are the Beatles?
You disgust me.
Did you know I'm pregnant?
HADRIAN WRITES...
Wait a tick - don't read that one. Read... yeah, read that one.
THIS ONE? UM, OKAY... 'HANDOFGOD' WRITES, "JIM IS AWESOME!! I WANT TO HAVE 10,000 OF HIS BABIES!"
WAIT... THAT'S NOT A QUESTION!
I know. I just liked it.
That's, like, a LOT of sex. And I know sex. I'm not that innocent.
I don't think anybody ever thought you were innocent. By the way, did you know you were pregnant?
DYLAN MCKAY WRITES, "WHAT'LL IT TAKE FOR THOR TO GET SOME PIE?"
"Hear ye, hear ye," intoned Captain America solemnly, "This court-martial of the Avengers is now in session. Thor, you stand charged by your comrades of destroying the computer laboratory of your fellow Avenger, the Vision, just as he was about to learn the final digit of Pi. You are further charged with injuring the Vision in your blind rage. How do you plead?"
The Son of Odin stood humbly, his head bowed, as he listened to the words of this mortal. "Twas a misunderstanding and no more, noble Captain. Mighty Thor simply desires something very strongly, and let loose mine godly might 'pon the wrong foe."
Captain America nodded. "For the prosecution, Hercules."
"Thank thee, good Captain," said the Prince of Power. "Thunder God, thou stand accused of most ignobly injuring thine compatriots. Thou art proven to be of weak mind, and thou hast offered no true excuse or defense for thine grievous offense. Hast thou nothing to say on thy behalf?"
"Twas... thou see... twas Hawkeye who did speak unto Mighty Thor that Lady Wanda was his cherry pie..." began the Thunder God.
"WHAT???" bellowed Hercules.
"... that was supposed to be our secret, Clint..." whispered the Scarlet Witch.
"Surely," continued the Son of Zeus, "thou do not expect us to believe these lies of thine couldst have anything to do with thy cowardly attack 'pon yon Vision. Thou art a lesser god."
"Nay," said Mighty Thor, his anger rising, "thou art a lesser god, thou half-breed godling!"
"Thou art lesser!" retorted the Prince of Power.
"Thou art!" rebutted Mighty Thor.
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
Suddenly an odor struck the mighty nose of the God of Thunder, and he knew it for what it was: truly, Jarvis had made pie. Mighty Thor envisioned the pie just outside yon door, awaiting the close of this farce of a proceeding.
"Captain America," said the Son of Odin between retorts, "Mighty Thor moves we end yon proceeding. The God of Thunder accepts any punishment levied against him."
"Well, if you're sure, Thor... very well. You are suspended from the Avengers and all related activites for a period of two weeks. I'm sorry, Thor, but if you won't defend yourself... well... I'm sorry. You can leave now," said the Captain, somewhat regretfully.
"Verily, good Captain, Mighty Thor is glad to... glad to... but hold! Leave now? What of the bountiful feast Jarvis hath prepared for his Mighty Avengers?"
"Sorry, Thor, you're suspended. You'll have to go."
"But... but..." began the Mighty Thor.
"Hey, you can come back in two weeks, Thor!" said Hawkeye.
"But... but... the pie...."
"HA!" laughed Hercules. "Art those tears Mighty Hercules sees in the eyes of yon godling?"
After Mjolnir had been hurled powerfully into the offending Greek blasphemer, knocking him ignobly through the walls of Avengers Mansion and forcefully into the dessert tray the servant Jarvis had set on display, Mighty Thor left the home of his friends to again seek that which he craved: pie.
SURREAL.
Peanut butter.
DOOOM!!!
I'm pregnant!
Are we done with this freakshow yet?
JUST A COUPLE MORE. JON HANCOCK ASKS, "WHEN'S HAWKEYE COMING BACK?"
Undoubtedly, whenever the real Avengers do (meaning Avengers with intangible androids, norse deities, and insecure size-changers, and without clawed mutants and Bendis' other favorite characters). No Avengers, no Hawkeye - you can't have one without the other. Of course, to do that you'd have to pretty much retcon the debacle that was Avengers Disassembled, but if you write it carefully, you can undo the bad stuff, get the Vision, Witch, and Hawkeye back, and still leave the new Captain Britain in a coma... which would be the best of both worlds.
ONE MORE QUESTION. ANAND KHATRI WRITES, "WHO WOULD WIN? HOWARD THE DUCK VS. CAPTAIN CARROT?"
Sunfire.
SUNFIRE?
Yeah. You get those two in a room together, Sunfire shows up, turns on the heat, and you've got a delicious platter set for four.
Doom would conquer them all, and then Doom would devour them, for Doom is supreme!
HEY, LOOK AT THIS. YOU REMEMBER OUR TRIP TO DEADLAND A FEW COLUMNS AGO?
Oh, yeah, got to see Uncle Ben again. That was nice.
WELL, APPARENTLY YOUR SWEET "UNCLE BEN" IS A SUSPECT. CHECK THIS OUT.
Suspect Name: "Uncle" Ben Parker
Connection to Crime: Dead himself, so probably has an affinity for these things
Psychological Profile: Kind, gentle... or is he just pretending? Has a thing for very submissive women
Motive: Parker is pretty much the polar opposite of the victim
Notes: Dead. Could he have reached beyond the grave?
Oh, come on... that's so... hey, wait a minute! That's it!
WHAT'S IT?
Deadland!!! We can go back to Deadland and talk to the stiff himself! He'll probably know who did it!
HMMMM... I'M NOT ALTOGETHER SURE THAT WOULD HELP, BUT YOU NEVER....
POOF
... hear me....... help you!
Huh? Who are you? And what's with the spooky black robes?
... from the future........ you not to trust the one.....
I CAN ONLY MAKE OUT SOME OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.
Apparition! Lower your cowl! Doom would look upon your face!
... stupid, man, they can't even......... the feed on this thing?
OH, THIS IS JUST PERFECT! VISITATIONS FROM THE FUTURE INTRIGUE READERS AND LOCK IN FUTURE INSTALLMENTS! I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS - THIS'LL SELL EVEN BETTER THAN THOSE "DEATH OF A MUTANT" BUSTS!
...... of it. I........ killed him, and you're about to......
What?!? You know who the murderer is? Tell us!
Yeah, like, what's with the spooky stuff? And look! Didja notice I'm pregnant?
GAAAAAHHHH!!!!....... out of here, man........ bigger threat than your.....
Huh?
POOF
What the hell was that all about?
I DON'T KNOW... BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME. IF YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS, SEND THEM TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM. SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS, KEEP THIS COLUMN FROM GETTING CANCELLED, AND HELP US FULFILL THE GRAND PROPHECY - GREAT COMICS, AND FREE TWINKIES FOR EVERYONE!
Doom desires Twinkies!
Don't we all. Is the next column going to make any more sense than this one did?
THAT PROBABLY DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON THE QUESTIONS WE GET.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Ratchet & Clank are registered trademarks of Insomniac Games, makers of the best damn platformers in the business. Fantastic X-Spider is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics - yeah, don't you even think about using that one, or they'll sue the pants off you so fast you'll think they owned the Flash trademark, too. Flash is a registered trademark of DC Comics, the management of which has expressed the company's sincere gratitude for the relative lack of inclusion of DC franchises in this column.
That's an... interesting... line-up of guest-stars.
WE NEED THE BIGGEST DRAWS WE CAN GET, JIM. WE'RE NOT EVEN THROUGH OUR FIRST STORY-ARC YET, AND THEY'RE ALREADY TALKING CANCELLATION.
What?!? But... but we haven't had a chance yet! We need time to grow our readership! And most importantly, your damn Prophecy hasn't come true yet, and I still haven't experienced the flakey goodness of the promised Twinkies!
WELL, UPPER MANAGEMENT ISN'T TOO COMFORTABLE WITH NEW COLUMNS THESE DAYS - THEY PREFER TO STICK TO THE TRIED AND TRUE. I'M THINKING A NAME CHANGE MIGHT HELP.
A name change? You mean change the name of the column?
RIGHT. THE BOYS DOWN IN MARKETING SAY THAT "BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT" DOESN'T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYBODY. THEY WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME TO "FANTASTIC X-SPIDER."
That... that's ridiculous! I mean, how is that any better? What the hell does "Fantastic X-Spider" mean to anybody?!?
TO THE BOYS IN MARKETING, IT MEANS BIG, BIG BUCKS.
Like, hi, we're totally here! And look, I'm pregnant!
AAAAAHHHHH!!!! It's that chick who's working with Doctor Nefarious to wipe out humanity!
NO, YOU'RE THINKING OF RATCHET AND CLANK AGAIN. CALM DOWN.
Oh. That's right, the girl who worked with Nefarious could actually sing.
I'm so totally excited to be here! And look, I'm pregnant!
AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY, VICTOR? THANKS FOR COMING BY.
Doom is hungry! Doom desires catering! Doom shall conquer the pitiful vegetable tray!
We can't afford catering. But I think we've still got those M&M's the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse regurgitated last month...
Like, wow, those are so totally colorful! And look, I'm...
You've got one in the oven. Yes, we know.
{giggle}
Doom shall not eat these! They are covered with mantis mucus!
Yeah, they are kinda gross, now that you mention...
Oh, stop complaining and get out of the way. I'll eat them....
Ick. Okay, so are we doing the question thing or what?
RIGHT - ANSWERING QUESTIONS BOOSTS READERSHIP. JANNE PIETIKAINEN ASKS, "WOULD IT HELP THE COMIC BOOK MEDIUM IF CELEBRITIES WROTE SOME?"
That's an interesting question. The comics by Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon brought a bit of mainstream attention to the medium, although not nearly as much as most comic book readers seem to think. On the other hand, the recent entry of Orson Scott Card into the field only raised eyebrows among his regular readers, and mainstream sci-fi devotees didn't hear about it or didn't care. I think that what this goes to show is that people might care if they knew about it, but comics don't really have the marketing power to inform them. Furthermore...
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE OUR MEGA-POPULAR GUEST STAR ANSWER THIS QUESTION.
What, you mean her?!?
{BBEEEEEEEELLLLLLLCCCCHHHHH!!!}
{giggle}
MORE EXPOSURE FOR THE POPULAR CHARACTERS EQUALS MORE READERS. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM - IF YOU COULD WRITE A COMIC BOOK, WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?
Oh, I have the best idea ever! Like, it would totally be about this realistic girl who wants to be a star, and like, she totally has a great singing voice, but she's stuck in like nowheresville in like Louisiana or something. Then she finally makes it big, but she won't give up her morals and become a slut or anything! That would be totally cool!
And let me guess - it ends with her... getting pregnant?
Like, wow, what a great ending! And did you know I'm pregnant?
So who's the father, anyway?
That's so totally lame. Don't you watch the news?
Sure. I read a fascinating and disturbing essay just the other day about the ongoing genocides and starvation in Africa, and another story on the beatings of democracy activists in Egypt, and another on the future of the European Union...
No, stupid... like, real news. Y'know, like, on TV? Michael Jackson trial and stuff?
Oh. No, no, I don't. But I think I heard the father's... Justin Timberlake?
I THOUGHT IT WAS THAT DOCTOR PHIL GUY.
Doom heard that it was Air Bud.
What?
Stop looking at Doom like that.
God, you are all like such total losers.
Doom still wants M & M's!
You sure this is going to bring in readers?
SURE IT WILL - ESPECIALLY AFTER WE UNMASK THE KILLER OF OUR MUTANT HERO....
Oh, yeah... I'd forgotten all about him. Has the Dark Knight turned up any new leads?
HE SENT OVER SOME NEW SUSPECT FILES THIS MORNING.
Suspect Name: The Lone Locust of the Apocalypse
Connection to Crime: Ate victim's corpse
Psychological Profile: Homicidal dementia, extreme selfishness, usually hungry
Motive: Hungry, and may have thought the mutant looked like a crunchy snack
Notes: Ate body. Disposing of evidence?
AS MEMORY SERVES, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LET HIM EAT THE BODY.
How many times do I have to tell you? It wasn't me!!!
Like, you're a total loser, you stupid murderer. By the way, I'm pregnant!
If I was a murderer, I know who'd be next on the list....
PIEDMON SAMA WRITES, "WHO WOULD WIN IN A SORCERER'S DUEL BETWEEN GRANT MORRISON AND ALAN MOORE?"
It would be a hard fought battle indeed, between two of the most talented and obscure writers of the graphic medium. In fact, I think....
REMEMBER, WE NEED TO INCREASE SALES - BE SURE YOU MENTION X-MEN IN YOUR ANSWER!
... I think... it would go something like this:
Moore: Stand aside, Grant Morrison. Your magickal talent is nothing compared to the frabjous might of Moore!
Morrison: Old stories, old style, make way for the new, Alan Moore. My vorpal cantrips shall utterly destroy you!
Moore: Rorschachius Melipromethius!
Morrison: Ahhh!!!! I feel... my mind... splintering... no... I can still... Filthican Patrollius!
Moore: Memory... slipping... can't stop... thinking of... tentacles and scissors... Hydeus Grifficus!
Morrison: OWWWWW!!!! My ass!!! All right, you bastard... you've earned my death spell... Jeanifus Aztekicus!
Moore: Ha ha ha ha... now you've spent all your magical power... and you've only slain my homunculus!
Morrison: {pant, pant} Your... homunculus... intercepted the spell? What homunculus?
Moore: The one on my head, you fool! The hairy octopus! What, you thought it was hair? And now... Jackdawicus V!
Morrison: No... the death spell... nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I'll get you, Alan Moore... and your little... squid... too.....
And there you have it. Alan Moore wins.
Doom would defeat them both!
Maybe, but only if you used that kick-ass magic armor from Waid's run.
Like, I totally didn't understand any of that... but it sounded stupid.
Why are you here?
MORE READERS, REMEMBER? EVERYBODY LOVES HER!
Didn't I read somewhere that her reality show came in like 96th in the ratings?
TV watchers are, like, so totally stupid. Really, they don't know what's good for them!
Besides, I'd think you'd be too busy trying to figure out who killed our favorite mutant to worry about the cancellation of this column.
WE'RE WORKING ON IT. THERE'S A SCHOOL OF THOUGHT THAT SAYS DOOM DID IT.
Doom would have no need to hide in the shadows, if Doom were the killer! Doom would stand bravely and proclaim to the world, "Yes, Doom killed the annoying little mutant! Come forth and accolade Doom, that you may bask in Doom's glory!"
I think I'm starting to like this guy.
NO, REALLY... READ THIS:
Suspect Name: Doctor Victor Von Doom
Connection to Crime: Knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Megalomania, arrogance, tendency to refer to self in third person
Motive: Has defeated the mutant several times in combat before
Notes: Considers victim to be "one of those meddling kids who stops me from taking over the world." Big fan of American Idol.
Doom will destroy Paula Abdul for sullying the honor of the grand contest!
Look, are any of these suspect profiles getting us any closer to finding out who actually killed him?
WELL... AH... HERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION! EKLIPSE ASKS, "WHEN WILL GUY GARDNER GET HIS OLD FUNNY HAIRSTYLE BACK?"
Yeah, that's a good question. For years now, Guy's looked like... well... like just about any other nineties-influenced superhero. I remember grimacing when I first saw the Warrior look - rippling muscles, obscure face-paint, and tousled, constantly windblown bangs floating over his eyes.
Doom... Doom once had tousled windblown bangs.
Oh, that's like so totally sad. What happened to them?
They were taken from Doom by... by...
Oh geez, here it comes...
RIIIICCCHHHHHAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDDSSSSSSS!!!
You know, you sound just like Captain Kirk in Wrath of Khan when you do that.
... Doom would kick Kirk's ass.
But back to the point - Gardner's hair is close to the old bowl-cut now, but not quite what we'd all like to see. I guess we'll have to wait for one of two things to happen - either DC needs to undo everything they've been doing lately to destroy the old light-hearted Justice League and restore the characters (and Guy) to their original splendor... OR the Beatles need to make a big comeback (and that's original bowl-cut Beatles, not latter-day hippie Beatles).
Like, who are the Beatles?
You disgust me.
Did you know I'm pregnant?
HADRIAN WRITES...
Wait a tick - don't read that one. Read... yeah, read that one.
THIS ONE? UM, OKAY... 'HANDOFGOD' WRITES, "JIM IS AWESOME!! I WANT TO HAVE 10,000 OF HIS BABIES!"
WAIT... THAT'S NOT A QUESTION!
I know. I just liked it.
That's, like, a LOT of sex. And I know sex. I'm not that innocent.
I don't think anybody ever thought you were innocent. By the way, did you know you were pregnant?
DYLAN MCKAY WRITES, "WHAT'LL IT TAKE FOR THOR TO GET SOME PIE?"
"Hear ye, hear ye," intoned Captain America solemnly, "This court-martial of the Avengers is now in session. Thor, you stand charged by your comrades of destroying the computer laboratory of your fellow Avenger, the Vision, just as he was about to learn the final digit of Pi. You are further charged with injuring the Vision in your blind rage. How do you plead?"
The Son of Odin stood humbly, his head bowed, as he listened to the words of this mortal. "Twas a misunderstanding and no more, noble Captain. Mighty Thor simply desires something very strongly, and let loose mine godly might 'pon the wrong foe."
Captain America nodded. "For the prosecution, Hercules."
"Thank thee, good Captain," said the Prince of Power. "Thunder God, thou stand accused of most ignobly injuring thine compatriots. Thou art proven to be of weak mind, and thou hast offered no true excuse or defense for thine grievous offense. Hast thou nothing to say on thy behalf?"
"Twas... thou see... twas Hawkeye who did speak unto Mighty Thor that Lady Wanda was his cherry pie..." began the Thunder God.
"WHAT???" bellowed Hercules.
"... that was supposed to be our secret, Clint..." whispered the Scarlet Witch.
"Surely," continued the Son of Zeus, "thou do not expect us to believe these lies of thine couldst have anything to do with thy cowardly attack 'pon yon Vision. Thou art a lesser god."
"Nay," said Mighty Thor, his anger rising, "thou art a lesser god, thou half-breed godling!"
"Thou art lesser!" retorted the Prince of Power.
"Thou art!" rebutted Mighty Thor.
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
"Thou!"
Suddenly an odor struck the mighty nose of the God of Thunder, and he knew it for what it was: truly, Jarvis had made pie. Mighty Thor envisioned the pie just outside yon door, awaiting the close of this farce of a proceeding.
"Captain America," said the Son of Odin between retorts, "Mighty Thor moves we end yon proceeding. The God of Thunder accepts any punishment levied against him."
"Well, if you're sure, Thor... very well. You are suspended from the Avengers and all related activites for a period of two weeks. I'm sorry, Thor, but if you won't defend yourself... well... I'm sorry. You can leave now," said the Captain, somewhat regretfully.
"Verily, good Captain, Mighty Thor is glad to... glad to... but hold! Leave now? What of the bountiful feast Jarvis hath prepared for his Mighty Avengers?"
"Sorry, Thor, you're suspended. You'll have to go."
"But... but..." began the Mighty Thor.
"Hey, you can come back in two weeks, Thor!" said Hawkeye.
"But... but... the pie...."
"HA!" laughed Hercules. "Art those tears Mighty Hercules sees in the eyes of yon godling?"
After Mjolnir had been hurled powerfully into the offending Greek blasphemer, knocking him ignobly through the walls of Avengers Mansion and forcefully into the dessert tray the servant Jarvis had set on display, Mighty Thor left the home of his friends to again seek that which he craved: pie.
SURREAL.
Peanut butter.
DOOOM!!!
I'm pregnant!
Are we done with this freakshow yet?
JUST A COUPLE MORE. JON HANCOCK ASKS, "WHEN'S HAWKEYE COMING BACK?"
Undoubtedly, whenever the real Avengers do (meaning Avengers with intangible androids, norse deities, and insecure size-changers, and without clawed mutants and Bendis' other favorite characters). No Avengers, no Hawkeye - you can't have one without the other. Of course, to do that you'd have to pretty much retcon the debacle that was Avengers Disassembled, but if you write it carefully, you can undo the bad stuff, get the Vision, Witch, and Hawkeye back, and still leave the new Captain Britain in a coma... which would be the best of both worlds.
ONE MORE QUESTION. ANAND KHATRI WRITES, "WHO WOULD WIN? HOWARD THE DUCK VS. CAPTAIN CARROT?"
Sunfire.
SUNFIRE?
Yeah. You get those two in a room together, Sunfire shows up, turns on the heat, and you've got a delicious platter set for four.
Doom would conquer them all, and then Doom would devour them, for Doom is supreme!
HEY, LOOK AT THIS. YOU REMEMBER OUR TRIP TO DEADLAND A FEW COLUMNS AGO?
Oh, yeah, got to see Uncle Ben again. That was nice.
WELL, APPARENTLY YOUR SWEET "UNCLE BEN" IS A SUSPECT. CHECK THIS OUT.
Suspect Name: "Uncle" Ben Parker
Connection to Crime: Dead himself, so probably has an affinity for these things
Psychological Profile: Kind, gentle... or is he just pretending? Has a thing for very submissive women
Motive: Parker is pretty much the polar opposite of the victim
Notes: Dead. Could he have reached beyond the grave?
Oh, come on... that's so... hey, wait a minute! That's it!
WHAT'S IT?
Deadland!!! We can go back to Deadland and talk to the stiff himself! He'll probably know who did it!
HMMMM... I'M NOT ALTOGETHER SURE THAT WOULD HELP, BUT YOU NEVER....
POOF
... hear me....... help you!
Huh? Who are you? And what's with the spooky black robes?
... from the future........ you not to trust the one.....
I CAN ONLY MAKE OUT SOME OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.
Apparition! Lower your cowl! Doom would look upon your face!
... stupid, man, they can't even......... the feed on this thing?
OH, THIS IS JUST PERFECT! VISITATIONS FROM THE FUTURE INTRIGUE READERS AND LOCK IN FUTURE INSTALLMENTS! I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS - THIS'LL SELL EVEN BETTER THAN THOSE "DEATH OF A MUTANT" BUSTS!
...... of it. I........ killed him, and you're about to......
What?!? You know who the murderer is? Tell us!
Yeah, like, what's with the spooky stuff? And look! Didja notice I'm pregnant?
GAAAAAHHHH!!!!....... out of here, man........ bigger threat than your.....
Huh?
POOF
What the hell was that all about?
I DON'T KNOW... BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME. IF YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS, SEND THEM TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM. SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS, KEEP THIS COLUMN FROM GETTING CANCELLED, AND HELP US FULFILL THE GRAND PROPHECY - GREAT COMICS, AND FREE TWINKIES FOR EVERYONE!
Doom desires Twinkies!
Don't we all. Is the next column going to make any more sense than this one did?
THAT PROBABLY DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON THE QUESTIONS WE GET.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Ratchet & Clank are registered trademarks of Insomniac Games, makers of the best damn platformers in the business. Fantastic X-Spider is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics - yeah, don't you even think about using that one, or they'll sue the pants off you so fast you'll think they owned the Flash trademark, too. Flash is a registered trademark of DC Comics, the management of which has expressed the company's sincere gratitude for the relative lack of inclusion of DC franchises in this column.