Jim Lemoine
May 26, 2005, 09:15 am
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi2.gif" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
What? No guest-star?
NOT THIS TIME, JIM - WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FIRST STORY-ARC, AND WE'VE GOT A MYSTERY TO SOLVE!
Oh, come on, does anybody really care? I mean, he died in BYDI #1, and we only got one complaint. Most people seemed relieved.
YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
Am not.
I GOT SOME PRELIMINARY SUSPECT SKETCHES BACK FROM THE DARK KNIGHT, SO IT'S TIME WE REVIEWED THEM AND STARTED INTERVIEWING SUSPECTS.
Look, I'm not here for this. Remember, (he said with expository recap glee,) I'm only here because of this Prophecy you keep talking about, the one that says if I answer a lot of questions, Good Comics will make a comeback, Neil Gaiman will write more Sandman, and the children of the world will enjoy free Twinkies. I most assuredly did not sign up for some murder mystery - I didn't even like the little runt.
WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE THE PRIME SUSPECT.
What?!?
IT'S LOGICAL. AS SOON AS YOU RE-ENTER THE WORLD OF COMICS, THE CHARACTER YOU HATE MOST DIES.
But... but... he's not the character I hate most! I used to love him! The character I hate most has got to be... ummm... the Supergirl that used to fawn all over Lex Luthor? That Satan guy who was supposed to be Nightcrawler's father? Trevor Fitzroy? Ben Raab?
HE'S NOT A CHARACTER, HE'S A WRITER.
I'd debate the second part of that sentence. And what's with the arc title? I didn't get to choose that. What about something cool, like "Murder at the Mansion" or something?
EVERY TIME WE PUT HIS NAME IN THE TITLE, SALES INCREASE BY 20%. CAN'T ARGUE WITH NUMBERS.
Yes you can, 84.5% of statistics are made up anyway.
ACCORDING TO THE DARK KNIGHT, YOU'RE THE MOST LIKELY SUSPECT. HERE'S WHAT HE HAD TO SAY ABOUT YOU.
Suspect Name: James Lemoine
Connection to Crime: There when it happenned
Psychological Profile: Somewhat unstable, possibly schizophrenic
Motive: Quit reading comics. Hates generic superheroes with a passion
Notes: Kept giving me odd looks. Will keep my distance.
Oh, come on!
YUP, LOOKS LIKE IT'S YOU.
It can't be me - if it were that simple, this wouldn't be "Part 4 of 6", now, would it?
UMMM...
HA!!!
UMMMM....
The bit about the fourth part is a red herring. We all know it was you.
The... Fanboy?!? Wow, I haven't seen you in about forty columns.
Edi-Tor gave me a job. I'm his Continuity Expert!
Oh, God.
GET USED TO IT, MURDERER... NOW, 'BRAVELYBRAVESIRROBIN' ASKS, "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PHOENIX FORCE NOW?"
Well... that's easy. The Phoenix Force is a cosmic avatar that...
No it's not! No it's not!
What are you talking about? In Excalibur (the first series, not the new Claremont vanity project that has nothing to do with its title), it was revealed....
That's so gay. I'm not going to work with you if you're going to make fun of Claremont.
Fine, who said I wanted to work with you? Now, as I was saying, the Phoenix Force was a power created to fight Necrom...
No it's not! No it's not! The Phoenix Force is part of Jean Grey, now in limbo (figuratively, not literally, as there is no connection with the mystical dimension currently ruled by Amanda Sefton) until X-Men: The End!
Look, I'm the one who's supposed to answer questions here.
... the Phoenix Force's chronological first appearance was in Excalibur, which predates its appearance in X-Men #101 (note that it wasn't called Uncanny back then), and comes well before the "prequel" appearances in Fantastic Four #286, where the truth about Jean Grey was revealed, however, later issues of Uncanny seemed to propose a deeper connection between the woman and the entity, specifically...
Ummm... so... yeah, right, Phoenix died on the moon....
... INCORRECT! The Phoenix Force merely discorporated, and in a story not seen until the launch of the Classic X-Men serials (mostly by Claremont and Bolton), we learned that it had in fact journeyed to Death's realm where it learned about itself and engaged in philosophical debates, all of this before, of course, it was coerced by the genetic manipulations of Mister Sinister to again interact with humanity, although in this case without a physical avatar, as Jean Grey's alternate future timeline daughter Rachel had travelled back from the future (I love saying that) after a run-in with an adult Kitty Pryde and the Sentinels, although we didn't find out until much later that....
... umm, so anyway, the answer to your question, Sir Robin? "What is the Phoenix Force?" I can answer that. It's a big, fat, unholy mess.
YOU KNOW, WHILE HE'S OFF ON THAT RANT, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO OVER HIS SUSPECT DATA.
I can't believe you told him that the mutant was going to guest-star in the column, and you didn't tell me. I mean, it's my column!
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. NOW, CHECK THIS OUT....
Suspect Name: The Fanboy
Connection to Crime: Mindless lackey of edi-Tor, knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Obsessive compulsive, with an odd completist complex - possibly autistic?
Motive: Unhappy with current miasma of continuity, having trouble keeping twelve monthly appearances in chronological order
Notes: Kept asking me for an autograph. Will keep my distance.
You're all freaks.
I STILL THINK IT WAS YOU.
Right, right. Next question?
'ROGUEANDREMY' ASKS, "WHY DID PSYLOCKE AND REVANCHE SWITCH BODIES?"
Well, that's kind of a toughie. See, the thing is, it really depends on who you ask. Originally, it wasn't so much a body swap as it was a...
No no no no no!!!! You can't answer this, don't you see the question is all wrong?
What are you talking about now?
Psylocke and Revanche never switched bodies. Psylocke and Kwannon switched bodies. Revanche was merely a codename Kwannon assumed after she joined the X-Men.
Oh. Well, gold star for you. So anyway, originally there was no body swap, just a magickal reshaping of the body of....
No no no no!!!! You're so gay, your knowledge is dated! See, Kwannon was an assassin who encountered Psylocke just after she exited the Siege Perilous, a mutant with limited latent telepathic powers! In Psylocke's confused and fragmented state post-Siege exit, she lashed out psionically, irrevertibly giving each telepath half of the other's brain. This was followed by a discovery by the crimelord....
Is he going to keep doing this?
LOOK, JUST IGNORE HIM AND ANSWER THE QUESTION IF YOU WANT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
Good. The real answer to the question is that they switched bodies because Fabian Nicieza, who wrote X-Men at the time, hadn't read his back issues. No lie, he had no idea that Chris Claremont had explained it perfectly just a few years earlier, so he was trying to answer what he thought was a dangling plotline. He wasn't really entirely sure where he was taking the story either, which is why so little of it makes sense in hindsight. I'm not making this up, Nicieza's admitted to this. Just goes to show that his X-Men scripts were every bit as terrible, as his New Warriors scripts were outstanding.
HEY, ELITIST! GET IN HERE!
The Elitist? You hired him, too?!?
YOU BET. HE'S MARVEL'S NEW 'VICE-PRESIDENT OF MILLAR WORSHIP'.
That's an actual job?
THEY REALLY LIKE MILLAR.
Nicieza? Psylocke? Who are you talking about? I thought this was a column about the X-Men! Let's talk about Grant Morrisson!
His JLA was the best ever!
Hmmph. For a superhero story, I suppose... I think The Filth was actually a much more appropriate story, lending appropriate pathos and ethos to the medium, all in a quite meaningful array of pseudo-juxtapostion of imagery....
I can't believe you actually let them near each other.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED....
Oh, you... look, have you checked the mail? Did you see if my Ra's Al Ghul statue came in yet?
Your who statue? Man, why can't you read normal books like Superman or Batman?
They... live... together?
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
I am.
NEXT QUESTION: JORDAN MAXWELL ASKS, "DO YOU THINK RICK SPRINGFIELD'S 'JESSIE'S GIRL' AND THE CARS' 'MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL' ARE ABOUT THE SAME GIRL?"
That's the best question we've had in a while.
They were both singing about Mary Jane!
You fool! They were both singing about the Silk Spectre!
Quiet, both of you. The appropriate question here is, "Is Jessie my best friend?" Obviously this can only be a hardcore trivia question for fans of the old ABC sitcom, Full House, the only televised instance of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen successfully being entertaining. Obviously, series star Bob Saget had very little time to spend with his friends, between raising three girls (four if you count the twins twice), anchoring his own television show, and reviewing all of those hilarious home videos of children hitting their fathers in the groin with various paraphernalia. Still, the eternal question remained - was Saget's "best friend" the debonair, Elvis-loving Uncle Jessie, or the goofy, Bullwinkle-loving Uncle Joey?
JIM, I'M NOT SURE THAT THAT'S....
What, you think they were singing about the other Uncle Jessie, the one from Dukes of Hazzard? I think not - everybody knows his love wasn't for women, but for that old tractor he kept out back.
There was just amazing imagery in that tractor....
And pictures are available at a website near you (after age verification, have your major credit card ready). Anyway, the odds of Uncle Joey having a steady girlfriend, much less a date, is dubious - after all, he hosted the much-hated America's Funniest People, and most women I know won't go to fancy restaurants with guys who contantly make antlers with their hands and ask for spinach in an old sailor's voice. Since we know from the song that Saget had an interest in his best friend's girl, and since it would be mostly impossible for Uncle Joey to have any girl to speak of, one must infer that the girl was, in fact, one of Uncle Jessie's many paid escorts. Thus, yes, Jessie's girl and My Best Friend's Girl are one and the same: Rebecca Romajin-Stamos, perhaps better known in these circles... as Mystique.
They were all singing about Mystique??? Dude, I am just in awe.
Yeah, who's your daddy?
I thought Mystique only had eyes for Magneto. I mean, they're all over each other in X-Men 2, and that's canon.
You're so closed-minded!
You're so trapped in the past!
Will you two please go away? I'm trying to do a column here.
Hmmph. Fine. I've got a new Rising Stars TPB to buy anyway - the third one's out. I'm hoping it'll have Fan Favorite Ezekiel in it!
Thank God. You got another question?
YEAH - 'ICEMANFAN21' ASKS "WILL WE EVER SEE THE THIRD TPB OF RISING STARS...." WAIT, NEVER MIND, GUESS WE ALREADY ANSWERED THAT. 'ZACEK' ASKS "IF THE G.I.JOE VILLAINS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THE G.I.JOE TEAM, WHY DO THEY NEVER WIN?"
Gotta disagree with you on both counts, Zacek. I mean, on one hand you have Snake Eyes and Refrigerator Perry, and on the other hand you have Magnet-Head and a guy with his face sticking out of a cobra's mouth. But I should admit, the Baroness is hot.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID LAST TIME THAT BEFORE OUR DEAD MUTANT FOUGHT HER, SHE USED TO BE A...
Quiet, you. On the other hand, you're wrong about the bad guys never winning - actually, all of their recent activity is just a front to hide their latest huge victory. Think about it - only the Baroness had ever seen Cobra Commander's face, right? So nobody's really sure what Cobra Commander looks like... and he was most active in the eighties. Meanwhile, a certain Yale grad and current "Leader of the Free World" was conspicuously missing from the public eye during the same time period. Both of them like to go to war, and both of them go on extended rants, and both of them had this thing for Donald Rumsfeld, I'm just saying, is all....
REMEMBER THOSE OLD G.I.JOE/TRANSFORMERS CROSSOVERS WHEN COBRA AND THE DECEPTICONS WORKED TOGETHER? THOSE WERE GREAT!
Oh yeah, I remember those. As I recall, they went something like....
Destro: Together we shall destroy both the Autobots and the Joes!
Megatron: Tell me again why we need these puny flesh-creatures, when my fusion cannon has more power than all of your weaponry, put together?
Serpentor: Together we can rule!
Soundwave: Your costume is illogical.
Cobra Commander: Join us now, Decepticons!!! (and bend down, there's a crick in my neck from staring up at you!) If you are not with us, you are against us!
Soundwave: Incoming transmission from Arkansas, Megatron. The Clinton fleshling has made a superior offer.
Megatron: Excellent. Starscream, step on the humans, please.
SQUISH, SQUISH
FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER THEM GOING QUITE LIKE THAT...
Yeah, they were awesome.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE ELITIST IS THE MURDERER... HE ALWAYS SAID WOLVERINE WAS HIS LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER IN NEW X-MEN....
What, he's a suspect, too?
Suspect Name: The Elitist
Connection to Crime: Mindless lackey of edi-Tor, knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Arrogant, ostentatious, closed-minded, superior
Motive: Wants to clear way for stories about more meaningful X-Men like Martha the Floating Brain, Stacy X, and Beak's Babies.
Notes: Keeps telling me that the Boy Wonder "dilutes my mythology." Have punched him twice in reply.
NOW, JON HANCOCK ASKS, "IS GARY NEWMAN THE ONLY POPSTAR WITH A PILOT'S LICENSE?"
I can only think of one way to answer that.
"Let Mighty Thor consider 'pon this logically," spoke to himself the Thunder God. "The Son of Odin desires that mortal delicacy known as pie. Thus far, the Pride of Valhalla's cravings have not been sated. Who, on all of this strange realm of Midgard, might help the Thunder God?"
Then, a bolt of lightning shattered across the heavens in jubilation. "Aye!" bellowed Mighty Thor. "Surely mine noble comrades, the Avengers, couldst offer aid to Thor!" And so did the Thunder God again twirl the divine hammer Mjolnir and fling himself into the skies, across the strange landscape of New York and toward that respected abode where he'd often cavorted with what heroes these mortals could provide.
So did the God of Thunder alight his mighty frame at the doorstop of Avengers Mansion, which he entered with the grace of Divine Right. Once there, the Son of Odin was disappointed to find that many of his mortal comrades were not present - but a few were indeed in residence. First, Mighty Thor approached the mortal marksman, Hawkeye, who gazed unblinkingly with rapt attention at the somewhat godly 72" projection television, 'pon which he watched the rather odd antics of an animated roll of meat, a devilish set of fried potatoes, and a disturbingly violent flagon of cream.
"Pie!" said the God of Thunder. "Friend Hawkeye, where might Mighty Thor find pie?"
"Huh?" responded the distracted Hawkeye. "Oh, I dunno... ask Wanda. She's my cherry pie."
"It shall be so!" said Mighty Thor happily.
Soon, the Son of Odin did find the lovely mortal who called herself the Scarlet Witch. "Pie!" repeated Thor. "Where might Thor find pie?"
"Pie?" asked the Witch. "Well, I...."
"Pie?" interrupted the robotic Vision. "Odd you should ask that, Thor. A project of mine, nearing completion, is set to provide the final answer of pie once and for all. I have been studying the subject in some detail. Would you like to see it?"
Indeed the Thunder God was pleased, so he left the Witch to accompany the mechanical construct. Alone, the Witch thought to herself on the meaning of the Thunder God's strange words.
And when Mighty Thor discovered that the Android Avenger had discovered the final digit of pi, not any true pie, the Thunder God did go somewhat berserk. The Vision's computers were reduced to rubble, and the Vision himself turned pale with embarassment, as the Son of Odin flew off once again, disgusted and frustrated.
SURREAL.
Vanilla Ice.
YOU KNOW, THE DARK KNIGHT DID SEND OVER ONE MORE CLUE ABOUT THE MURDER MYSTERY.
Yeah? What's that?
HE SAID THAT THE EXPLOSIVE DEVICE PLANTED IN THE MUTANT'S HEAD WAS SPECIFICALLY PROGRAMMED ONLY TO GO OFF AFTER A CERTAIN VERBAL CUE. IT HAD TO HEAR SOME EVIDENCE OF THE ARROGANCE OF A ONCE GREAT CREATIVE MIND GONE TO HELL, FALLEN TO THE DEPTHS OF INANITY.
That's funny - wasn't I talking about the Go-Bots when his head exploded?
I THINK SO....
I don't think that fits... then why did the explosive go off?
I'M NOT SURE, BUT I'M SURE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! AND MEANWHILE, YOU'VE GOT MORE QUESTIONS... HADRIAN ASKS, "IF I CONSTANTLLY ATE TWINKIES, SWISS CAKE ROLLS, ZEBRA CAKES, AND/OR OTHER SUCH PREPACKAGED WONDERS, WOULD MY BODY ABSORB ENOUGH PRESERVATIVES SO THAT I COULD SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST?"
Ah... someone's been watching Family Guy. We approve.
IS THAT A COMIC BOOK?
Never mind. Actually, this is an experiment that has been attempted, although few people are aware of the result. In the early 80's, at the height of Cold War fears, an American named Bob decided to try this exact plan. The result? The wholesome goodies gave him a gentle demeanor and a heartwarming smile. He grew a gooey, creamy center, a sugary sweet attitude, and was known to have a flaky exterior. He grew a fondness for little girls (although, strangely, not little girls named "Debbie"), and had three of his own (four if you count the twins twice). He would go on to double-date with Uncle Jessie and Mystique, and subsequently proved resistant to cancellation, nuclear warfare, and good taste everywhere.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A COLUMN ABOUT COMIC BOOKS?
Okay then, talk about comic books.
WHAT A PERFECT OPENING! REMEMBER A COUPLE OF COLUMNS AGO WHEN I SAID THAT WE WERE READYING A NEW LINE OF MINI-SERIES, ONE-SHOTS, AND PROMOTIONAL MERCHANDISE TO COMMEMORATE THE DEATH OF THIS GREAT MUTANT HERO?
Oh, no....
WELL, WE'VE FINALLY GOT THE FIRST MINI-SERIES READY! IT WAS CREATED BY SOME OF THE FINEST YOUNG WRITERS AND ARTISTS IN JAPAN, AND WILL BE DONE IN A MANGA STYLE, WHICH MEANS, AS YOU WELL KNOW, THAT IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE READ BY THOUSANDS OF FEMALES WHO LOVE MANGA! THIS IS OUR PROJECT TO REACH OUT TO THAT GREAT UNTAPPED FEMALE MARKET - A MARKET WHICH WE'VE RESEARCHED THOROUGHLY, AND ARE NOW READY TO SERVE WITH THE GRAPHIC FEATURES MOST IMPORTANT TO THEM AS EXTRAPOLATED FROM THEIR LOVE OF MANGA - BIG EYES, SKIMPY OUTFITS, AND GREEN HAIR!
Oh, God....
SO WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASAMIYA HAS JOINED WITH OTHER ANIME SUPERSTARS TO PRESENT A STORY OF THREE OF THE SURVIVING X-MEN SEEKING A MUTANT'S LEGACY - IT'S WEAPON X-2!!! HERE'S AN EXCERPT:
Last time they saved the world. This time it's personal. 'Roro's story continues in the first true sequel of the X-Men series. New dangers threaten New York. Familiar allies are at hand. And somewhere, somehow, a friend may still be alive...
'Roro: {giggle}
Kittu: {giggle}
Rahne: Giggling is stupid.
Kittu: Oh, don't be a spoilsport, Rahne. Hey, if I look at you from a distance, it looks like one of your eyes is missing!
'Roro: {giggle}
Rahne: Come on, we have to track down those recording spheres - he may still be alive!
'Roro: We can fly all over the world in our Blackbird and go on missions and help mutants! We can prevent war between the Young Avengers and New Mutants!
Kittu: No, I have a better idea - let's have a concert! It will bring the world together!
'Roro: {giggle}
GENIUS, HUH? THE CHICKS ARE REALLY GONNA DIG THIS....
It amazes me how you people never learn from your past mistakes.
WHAT?!?!?
Never mind, release your series. Look, are we done yet?
I GUESS SO....
Good. Faithful readers, we're out of time, and I'm out of patience. If you've got questions, quandaries, or murder mystery resolutions, post them in the thread below, or e-mail them to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com. We're getting more questions than ever lately, and we appreciate it.
NEVER TELL THE FANS YOU APPRECIATE THEM! THEN THEY THINK THEY CAN MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU!
Don't you have a mini-series to release?
OH, AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Bravely Brave Sir Robin is a registered trademark of Monty Python Studios, and has no relation whatsoever to the bravely brave (non-Sir) Robin who currently appears daily in the Teen Titans cartoon, somehow standing straight under the weight of his newly humongous head. Full House is a registered trademark of... well, actually, we're not sure... nobody seems willing to take credit for that one. Twinkies remain registered trademarks of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who are honestly considering divesting themselves of all Twinkie rights just to stop their biweekly mentions in this column.
What? No guest-star?
NOT THIS TIME, JIM - WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FIRST STORY-ARC, AND WE'VE GOT A MYSTERY TO SOLVE!
Oh, come on, does anybody really care? I mean, he died in BYDI #1, and we only got one complaint. Most people seemed relieved.
YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
Am not.
I GOT SOME PRELIMINARY SUSPECT SKETCHES BACK FROM THE DARK KNIGHT, SO IT'S TIME WE REVIEWED THEM AND STARTED INTERVIEWING SUSPECTS.
Look, I'm not here for this. Remember, (he said with expository recap glee,) I'm only here because of this Prophecy you keep talking about, the one that says if I answer a lot of questions, Good Comics will make a comeback, Neil Gaiman will write more Sandman, and the children of the world will enjoy free Twinkies. I most assuredly did not sign up for some murder mystery - I didn't even like the little runt.
WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE THE PRIME SUSPECT.
What?!?
IT'S LOGICAL. AS SOON AS YOU RE-ENTER THE WORLD OF COMICS, THE CHARACTER YOU HATE MOST DIES.
But... but... he's not the character I hate most! I used to love him! The character I hate most has got to be... ummm... the Supergirl that used to fawn all over Lex Luthor? That Satan guy who was supposed to be Nightcrawler's father? Trevor Fitzroy? Ben Raab?
HE'S NOT A CHARACTER, HE'S A WRITER.
I'd debate the second part of that sentence. And what's with the arc title? I didn't get to choose that. What about something cool, like "Murder at the Mansion" or something?
EVERY TIME WE PUT HIS NAME IN THE TITLE, SALES INCREASE BY 20%. CAN'T ARGUE WITH NUMBERS.
Yes you can, 84.5% of statistics are made up anyway.
ACCORDING TO THE DARK KNIGHT, YOU'RE THE MOST LIKELY SUSPECT. HERE'S WHAT HE HAD TO SAY ABOUT YOU.
Suspect Name: James Lemoine
Connection to Crime: There when it happenned
Psychological Profile: Somewhat unstable, possibly schizophrenic
Motive: Quit reading comics. Hates generic superheroes with a passion
Notes: Kept giving me odd looks. Will keep my distance.
Oh, come on!
YUP, LOOKS LIKE IT'S YOU.
It can't be me - if it were that simple, this wouldn't be "Part 4 of 6", now, would it?
UMMM...
HA!!!
UMMMM....
The bit about the fourth part is a red herring. We all know it was you.
The... Fanboy?!? Wow, I haven't seen you in about forty columns.
Edi-Tor gave me a job. I'm his Continuity Expert!
Oh, God.
GET USED TO IT, MURDERER... NOW, 'BRAVELYBRAVESIRROBIN' ASKS, "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PHOENIX FORCE NOW?"
Well... that's easy. The Phoenix Force is a cosmic avatar that...
No it's not! No it's not!
What are you talking about? In Excalibur (the first series, not the new Claremont vanity project that has nothing to do with its title), it was revealed....
That's so gay. I'm not going to work with you if you're going to make fun of Claremont.
Fine, who said I wanted to work with you? Now, as I was saying, the Phoenix Force was a power created to fight Necrom...
No it's not! No it's not! The Phoenix Force is part of Jean Grey, now in limbo (figuratively, not literally, as there is no connection with the mystical dimension currently ruled by Amanda Sefton) until X-Men: The End!
Look, I'm the one who's supposed to answer questions here.
... the Phoenix Force's chronological first appearance was in Excalibur, which predates its appearance in X-Men #101 (note that it wasn't called Uncanny back then), and comes well before the "prequel" appearances in Fantastic Four #286, where the truth about Jean Grey was revealed, however, later issues of Uncanny seemed to propose a deeper connection between the woman and the entity, specifically...
Ummm... so... yeah, right, Phoenix died on the moon....
... INCORRECT! The Phoenix Force merely discorporated, and in a story not seen until the launch of the Classic X-Men serials (mostly by Claremont and Bolton), we learned that it had in fact journeyed to Death's realm where it learned about itself and engaged in philosophical debates, all of this before, of course, it was coerced by the genetic manipulations of Mister Sinister to again interact with humanity, although in this case without a physical avatar, as Jean Grey's alternate future timeline daughter Rachel had travelled back from the future (I love saying that) after a run-in with an adult Kitty Pryde and the Sentinels, although we didn't find out until much later that....
... umm, so anyway, the answer to your question, Sir Robin? "What is the Phoenix Force?" I can answer that. It's a big, fat, unholy mess.
YOU KNOW, WHILE HE'S OFF ON THAT RANT, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO OVER HIS SUSPECT DATA.
I can't believe you told him that the mutant was going to guest-star in the column, and you didn't tell me. I mean, it's my column!
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. NOW, CHECK THIS OUT....
Suspect Name: The Fanboy
Connection to Crime: Mindless lackey of edi-Tor, knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Obsessive compulsive, with an odd completist complex - possibly autistic?
Motive: Unhappy with current miasma of continuity, having trouble keeping twelve monthly appearances in chronological order
Notes: Kept asking me for an autograph. Will keep my distance.
You're all freaks.
I STILL THINK IT WAS YOU.
Right, right. Next question?
'ROGUEANDREMY' ASKS, "WHY DID PSYLOCKE AND REVANCHE SWITCH BODIES?"
Well, that's kind of a toughie. See, the thing is, it really depends on who you ask. Originally, it wasn't so much a body swap as it was a...
No no no no no!!!! You can't answer this, don't you see the question is all wrong?
What are you talking about now?
Psylocke and Revanche never switched bodies. Psylocke and Kwannon switched bodies. Revanche was merely a codename Kwannon assumed after she joined the X-Men.
Oh. Well, gold star for you. So anyway, originally there was no body swap, just a magickal reshaping of the body of....
No no no no!!!! You're so gay, your knowledge is dated! See, Kwannon was an assassin who encountered Psylocke just after she exited the Siege Perilous, a mutant with limited latent telepathic powers! In Psylocke's confused and fragmented state post-Siege exit, she lashed out psionically, irrevertibly giving each telepath half of the other's brain. This was followed by a discovery by the crimelord....
Is he going to keep doing this?
LOOK, JUST IGNORE HIM AND ANSWER THE QUESTION IF YOU WANT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
Good. The real answer to the question is that they switched bodies because Fabian Nicieza, who wrote X-Men at the time, hadn't read his back issues. No lie, he had no idea that Chris Claremont had explained it perfectly just a few years earlier, so he was trying to answer what he thought was a dangling plotline. He wasn't really entirely sure where he was taking the story either, which is why so little of it makes sense in hindsight. I'm not making this up, Nicieza's admitted to this. Just goes to show that his X-Men scripts were every bit as terrible, as his New Warriors scripts were outstanding.
HEY, ELITIST! GET IN HERE!
The Elitist? You hired him, too?!?
YOU BET. HE'S MARVEL'S NEW 'VICE-PRESIDENT OF MILLAR WORSHIP'.
That's an actual job?
THEY REALLY LIKE MILLAR.
Nicieza? Psylocke? Who are you talking about? I thought this was a column about the X-Men! Let's talk about Grant Morrisson!
His JLA was the best ever!
Hmmph. For a superhero story, I suppose... I think The Filth was actually a much more appropriate story, lending appropriate pathos and ethos to the medium, all in a quite meaningful array of pseudo-juxtapostion of imagery....
I can't believe you actually let them near each other.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED....
Oh, you... look, have you checked the mail? Did you see if my Ra's Al Ghul statue came in yet?
Your who statue? Man, why can't you read normal books like Superman or Batman?
They... live... together?
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
I am.
NEXT QUESTION: JORDAN MAXWELL ASKS, "DO YOU THINK RICK SPRINGFIELD'S 'JESSIE'S GIRL' AND THE CARS' 'MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL' ARE ABOUT THE SAME GIRL?"
That's the best question we've had in a while.
They were both singing about Mary Jane!
You fool! They were both singing about the Silk Spectre!
Quiet, both of you. The appropriate question here is, "Is Jessie my best friend?" Obviously this can only be a hardcore trivia question for fans of the old ABC sitcom, Full House, the only televised instance of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen successfully being entertaining. Obviously, series star Bob Saget had very little time to spend with his friends, between raising three girls (four if you count the twins twice), anchoring his own television show, and reviewing all of those hilarious home videos of children hitting their fathers in the groin with various paraphernalia. Still, the eternal question remained - was Saget's "best friend" the debonair, Elvis-loving Uncle Jessie, or the goofy, Bullwinkle-loving Uncle Joey?
JIM, I'M NOT SURE THAT THAT'S....
What, you think they were singing about the other Uncle Jessie, the one from Dukes of Hazzard? I think not - everybody knows his love wasn't for women, but for that old tractor he kept out back.
There was just amazing imagery in that tractor....
And pictures are available at a website near you (after age verification, have your major credit card ready). Anyway, the odds of Uncle Joey having a steady girlfriend, much less a date, is dubious - after all, he hosted the much-hated America's Funniest People, and most women I know won't go to fancy restaurants with guys who contantly make antlers with their hands and ask for spinach in an old sailor's voice. Since we know from the song that Saget had an interest in his best friend's girl, and since it would be mostly impossible for Uncle Joey to have any girl to speak of, one must infer that the girl was, in fact, one of Uncle Jessie's many paid escorts. Thus, yes, Jessie's girl and My Best Friend's Girl are one and the same: Rebecca Romajin-Stamos, perhaps better known in these circles... as Mystique.
They were all singing about Mystique??? Dude, I am just in awe.
Yeah, who's your daddy?
I thought Mystique only had eyes for Magneto. I mean, they're all over each other in X-Men 2, and that's canon.
You're so closed-minded!
You're so trapped in the past!
Will you two please go away? I'm trying to do a column here.
Hmmph. Fine. I've got a new Rising Stars TPB to buy anyway - the third one's out. I'm hoping it'll have Fan Favorite Ezekiel in it!
Thank God. You got another question?
YEAH - 'ICEMANFAN21' ASKS "WILL WE EVER SEE THE THIRD TPB OF RISING STARS...." WAIT, NEVER MIND, GUESS WE ALREADY ANSWERED THAT. 'ZACEK' ASKS "IF THE G.I.JOE VILLAINS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THE G.I.JOE TEAM, WHY DO THEY NEVER WIN?"
Gotta disagree with you on both counts, Zacek. I mean, on one hand you have Snake Eyes and Refrigerator Perry, and on the other hand you have Magnet-Head and a guy with his face sticking out of a cobra's mouth. But I should admit, the Baroness is hot.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID LAST TIME THAT BEFORE OUR DEAD MUTANT FOUGHT HER, SHE USED TO BE A...
Quiet, you. On the other hand, you're wrong about the bad guys never winning - actually, all of their recent activity is just a front to hide their latest huge victory. Think about it - only the Baroness had ever seen Cobra Commander's face, right? So nobody's really sure what Cobra Commander looks like... and he was most active in the eighties. Meanwhile, a certain Yale grad and current "Leader of the Free World" was conspicuously missing from the public eye during the same time period. Both of them like to go to war, and both of them go on extended rants, and both of them had this thing for Donald Rumsfeld, I'm just saying, is all....
REMEMBER THOSE OLD G.I.JOE/TRANSFORMERS CROSSOVERS WHEN COBRA AND THE DECEPTICONS WORKED TOGETHER? THOSE WERE GREAT!
Oh yeah, I remember those. As I recall, they went something like....
Destro: Together we shall destroy both the Autobots and the Joes!
Megatron: Tell me again why we need these puny flesh-creatures, when my fusion cannon has more power than all of your weaponry, put together?
Serpentor: Together we can rule!
Soundwave: Your costume is illogical.
Cobra Commander: Join us now, Decepticons!!! (and bend down, there's a crick in my neck from staring up at you!) If you are not with us, you are against us!
Soundwave: Incoming transmission from Arkansas, Megatron. The Clinton fleshling has made a superior offer.
Megatron: Excellent. Starscream, step on the humans, please.
SQUISH, SQUISH
FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER THEM GOING QUITE LIKE THAT...
Yeah, they were awesome.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE ELITIST IS THE MURDERER... HE ALWAYS SAID WOLVERINE WAS HIS LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER IN NEW X-MEN....
What, he's a suspect, too?
Suspect Name: The Elitist
Connection to Crime: Mindless lackey of edi-Tor, knew the victim would be present
Psychological Profile: Arrogant, ostentatious, closed-minded, superior
Motive: Wants to clear way for stories about more meaningful X-Men like Martha the Floating Brain, Stacy X, and Beak's Babies.
Notes: Keeps telling me that the Boy Wonder "dilutes my mythology." Have punched him twice in reply.
NOW, JON HANCOCK ASKS, "IS GARY NEWMAN THE ONLY POPSTAR WITH A PILOT'S LICENSE?"
I can only think of one way to answer that.
"Let Mighty Thor consider 'pon this logically," spoke to himself the Thunder God. "The Son of Odin desires that mortal delicacy known as pie. Thus far, the Pride of Valhalla's cravings have not been sated. Who, on all of this strange realm of Midgard, might help the Thunder God?"
Then, a bolt of lightning shattered across the heavens in jubilation. "Aye!" bellowed Mighty Thor. "Surely mine noble comrades, the Avengers, couldst offer aid to Thor!" And so did the Thunder God again twirl the divine hammer Mjolnir and fling himself into the skies, across the strange landscape of New York and toward that respected abode where he'd often cavorted with what heroes these mortals could provide.
So did the God of Thunder alight his mighty frame at the doorstop of Avengers Mansion, which he entered with the grace of Divine Right. Once there, the Son of Odin was disappointed to find that many of his mortal comrades were not present - but a few were indeed in residence. First, Mighty Thor approached the mortal marksman, Hawkeye, who gazed unblinkingly with rapt attention at the somewhat godly 72" projection television, 'pon which he watched the rather odd antics of an animated roll of meat, a devilish set of fried potatoes, and a disturbingly violent flagon of cream.
"Pie!" said the God of Thunder. "Friend Hawkeye, where might Mighty Thor find pie?"
"Huh?" responded the distracted Hawkeye. "Oh, I dunno... ask Wanda. She's my cherry pie."
"It shall be so!" said Mighty Thor happily.
Soon, the Son of Odin did find the lovely mortal who called herself the Scarlet Witch. "Pie!" repeated Thor. "Where might Thor find pie?"
"Pie?" asked the Witch. "Well, I...."
"Pie?" interrupted the robotic Vision. "Odd you should ask that, Thor. A project of mine, nearing completion, is set to provide the final answer of pie once and for all. I have been studying the subject in some detail. Would you like to see it?"
Indeed the Thunder God was pleased, so he left the Witch to accompany the mechanical construct. Alone, the Witch thought to herself on the meaning of the Thunder God's strange words.
And when Mighty Thor discovered that the Android Avenger had discovered the final digit of pi, not any true pie, the Thunder God did go somewhat berserk. The Vision's computers were reduced to rubble, and the Vision himself turned pale with embarassment, as the Son of Odin flew off once again, disgusted and frustrated.
SURREAL.
Vanilla Ice.
YOU KNOW, THE DARK KNIGHT DID SEND OVER ONE MORE CLUE ABOUT THE MURDER MYSTERY.
Yeah? What's that?
HE SAID THAT THE EXPLOSIVE DEVICE PLANTED IN THE MUTANT'S HEAD WAS SPECIFICALLY PROGRAMMED ONLY TO GO OFF AFTER A CERTAIN VERBAL CUE. IT HAD TO HEAR SOME EVIDENCE OF THE ARROGANCE OF A ONCE GREAT CREATIVE MIND GONE TO HELL, FALLEN TO THE DEPTHS OF INANITY.
That's funny - wasn't I talking about the Go-Bots when his head exploded?
I THINK SO....
I don't think that fits... then why did the explosive go off?
I'M NOT SURE, BUT I'M SURE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! AND MEANWHILE, YOU'VE GOT MORE QUESTIONS... HADRIAN ASKS, "IF I CONSTANTLLY ATE TWINKIES, SWISS CAKE ROLLS, ZEBRA CAKES, AND/OR OTHER SUCH PREPACKAGED WONDERS, WOULD MY BODY ABSORB ENOUGH PRESERVATIVES SO THAT I COULD SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST?"
Ah... someone's been watching Family Guy. We approve.
IS THAT A COMIC BOOK?
Never mind. Actually, this is an experiment that has been attempted, although few people are aware of the result. In the early 80's, at the height of Cold War fears, an American named Bob decided to try this exact plan. The result? The wholesome goodies gave him a gentle demeanor and a heartwarming smile. He grew a gooey, creamy center, a sugary sweet attitude, and was known to have a flaky exterior. He grew a fondness for little girls (although, strangely, not little girls named "Debbie"), and had three of his own (four if you count the twins twice). He would go on to double-date with Uncle Jessie and Mystique, and subsequently proved resistant to cancellation, nuclear warfare, and good taste everywhere.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A COLUMN ABOUT COMIC BOOKS?
Okay then, talk about comic books.
WHAT A PERFECT OPENING! REMEMBER A COUPLE OF COLUMNS AGO WHEN I SAID THAT WE WERE READYING A NEW LINE OF MINI-SERIES, ONE-SHOTS, AND PROMOTIONAL MERCHANDISE TO COMMEMORATE THE DEATH OF THIS GREAT MUTANT HERO?
Oh, no....
WELL, WE'VE FINALLY GOT THE FIRST MINI-SERIES READY! IT WAS CREATED BY SOME OF THE FINEST YOUNG WRITERS AND ARTISTS IN JAPAN, AND WILL BE DONE IN A MANGA STYLE, WHICH MEANS, AS YOU WELL KNOW, THAT IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE READ BY THOUSANDS OF FEMALES WHO LOVE MANGA! THIS IS OUR PROJECT TO REACH OUT TO THAT GREAT UNTAPPED FEMALE MARKET - A MARKET WHICH WE'VE RESEARCHED THOROUGHLY, AND ARE NOW READY TO SERVE WITH THE GRAPHIC FEATURES MOST IMPORTANT TO THEM AS EXTRAPOLATED FROM THEIR LOVE OF MANGA - BIG EYES, SKIMPY OUTFITS, AND GREEN HAIR!
Oh, God....
SO WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR KIA ASAMIYA HAS JOINED WITH OTHER ANIME SUPERSTARS TO PRESENT A STORY OF THREE OF THE SURVIVING X-MEN SEEKING A MUTANT'S LEGACY - IT'S WEAPON X-2!!! HERE'S AN EXCERPT:
Last time they saved the world. This time it's personal. 'Roro's story continues in the first true sequel of the X-Men series. New dangers threaten New York. Familiar allies are at hand. And somewhere, somehow, a friend may still be alive...
'Roro: {giggle}
Kittu: {giggle}
Rahne: Giggling is stupid.
Kittu: Oh, don't be a spoilsport, Rahne. Hey, if I look at you from a distance, it looks like one of your eyes is missing!
'Roro: {giggle}
Rahne: Come on, we have to track down those recording spheres - he may still be alive!
'Roro: We can fly all over the world in our Blackbird and go on missions and help mutants! We can prevent war between the Young Avengers and New Mutants!
Kittu: No, I have a better idea - let's have a concert! It will bring the world together!
'Roro: {giggle}
GENIUS, HUH? THE CHICKS ARE REALLY GONNA DIG THIS....
It amazes me how you people never learn from your past mistakes.
WHAT?!?!?
Never mind, release your series. Look, are we done yet?
I GUESS SO....
Good. Faithful readers, we're out of time, and I'm out of patience. If you've got questions, quandaries, or murder mystery resolutions, post them in the thread below, or e-mail them to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com. We're getting more questions than ever lately, and we appreciate it.
NEVER TELL THE FANS YOU APPRECIATE THEM! THEN THEY THINK THEY CAN MAKE DEMANDS OF YOU!
Don't you have a mini-series to release?
OH, AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Bravely Brave Sir Robin is a registered trademark of Monty Python Studios, and has no relation whatsoever to the bravely brave (non-Sir) Robin who currently appears daily in the Teen Titans cartoon, somehow standing straight under the weight of his newly humongous head. Full House is a registered trademark of... well, actually, we're not sure... nobody seems willing to take credit for that one. Twinkies remain registered trademarks of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who are honestly considering divesting themselves of all Twinkie rights just to stop their biweekly mentions in this column.