Jim Lemoine
May 12, 2005, 09:13 am
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi2.gif" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS COLUMN NEEDS? A RECAP PAGE!
I've never heard of a column with a recap page.
WITH STYLISH WHITE TEXT ON A SOLID BLACK BACKGROUND TO SHOW HOW HIP AND GOTH WE ARE!
You're about as Goth as Dick Cheney.
AND DRAMATIC HEAD-SHOTS OF OUR PRIMARY CAST ALONG THE TOP!
Do you honestly think anybody cares what we look like?
WELL... A RECAP PARAGRAPH, AT LEAST. OKAY?
Only if I can make fun of your idiotic taste in guest-stars when you're done.
AND THERE CAME A DAY... A DAY UNLIKE ANY OTHER! A DAY WHEN A JADED EX-COMIC-BOOK-FAN WAS DRAGGED BACK TO FULFILL A GRAND PROPHECY: ANSWER THE LETTERS OF THE READERS, AND YOUR DREAMS OF QUALITY MAINSTREAM COMICS WILL BE FULFILLED! WATCHMEN VOLUME 2 WILL BE RELEASED, AND THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD WILL ENJOY DELICIOUS TWINKIES! SO THE JADED COMICS-FAN RETURNED, ONLY TO BE MET WITH TRAGEDY - HIS FIRST GUEST-STAR, A CERTAIN CLAWED MUTANT, WAS MURDERED! BUT BY WHO? THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE INVESTIGATED... BUT THE KILLER HAS NOT YET BEEN CAUGHT!
<small>Meanwhile, Thor still didn't have any pie, and Jim still didn't have any Twinkies.</small>
WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
Nothing. Look, when I agreed to do this column, there were two things I didn't agree to: working in an office with a smelly corpse, and dealing with stupid guest stars. Why is that runt's body still here, and who the hell are "the bugs from Exiles"?
I BOOKED THEM FOR YOU - I THOUGHT YOU USED TO LOVE EXILES.
"Used to" is right. But that was before their most heroic member was poultry.
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE NAMORA NOW! AND SHE HAS BIG BOOBS!
Sigh....
SCANTILY CLAD BIG BOOBS! LIKE ELEKTRA! OR THE BLACK CAT!
Neither of whom were able to support their own series any more than their bras could support their... never mind. Look, I appreciate big boobs. As much as, if not more than, the next guy. In what I read, though, I tend to appreciate a decent story more. I mean, it's not like I ever bought Lady Death, or Purgatori, or The Blob Goes On Spring Break. And his boobs were huge!
AS FOR THE BODY, THE CORONER SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
It's been a freaking month!!! What the hell is taking him so long?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN DC STARTS DOING MINI-SERIES MEGA-EVENTS....
Oh... lotsa dead second-tier characters, huh?
IT'S LIKE CLOCKWORK.
So is Uncle Marvel dead yet?
I DON'T THINK SO.
Man, there's no justice in the world.
WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR GUEST-STAR TO ARRIVE... LET'S DO A QUESTION. KEN BOEHM WRITES, "WHY IS MARK BAGLEY THE BEST PENCILLER EVER?"
Because he won the Official Marvel Try-Out Contest? And seriously, you can only imagine how much competition there was for that one....
KNOCK, KNOCK
THAT MUST BE OUR GUEST-STARS - I'LL GO GET IT.
Because he's the only man alive to pencil two New Universe series, a Star book based on some really crappy toys, Moon Knight, and Strikeforce Morituri?
HELLO... WHAT? OH... YOU'RE THE CORONERS? HERE FOR THE BODY?
Because he successfully made Speedball cool, which nobody thought could be done?
YES, HE'S RIGHT THIS WAY... TRAGIC, ISN'T IT....
And I mean, honestly, Speedball?!? I actually own his limited series - it was like watching Leave it to Beaver... only in the comic version, the Beav could bounce. You dropped him from a three-story building, he hit the ground and bounced. No lie, it was trippy stuff.
LOOK JIM, THE CORONERS ARE HERE TO TAKE THE BODY!
It's about damn time. What took you guys so... so... hey now, wait a minute....
It is pleasure to meet you. We are here for body.
You're not coroners!
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? THEY'RE JUST HERE TO TAKE HIM TO THE MORTUARY.
Um, hello? When was the last time you saw coroners wearing red ninja suits? That's the Hand!
We are not ninja! If we were ninja, we would be... ah... sneaking in.
Dude, they're the frickin' Hand!!! They resurrect everybody and try to make them their slaves! Haven't you read Daredevil? Or X-Men? Or The Get-Along Gang?
DID MORRISSON WRITE ANY OF THOSE?
No, we are coroners! Coroners of much honor!
Then what do coroners need katanas for?
I have no katana!
Yes, you do. It's right there, on your hip.
You cannot see it! It is invisible!
Out! Out! Get out of here before I get the hose!
HMPH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST RAN OFF THE CORONERS.
They weren't coroners. They were ninjas. God, how stupid are you?
RIGHT. NINJAS. CALLED "THE FOOT."
The Hand.
THAT'S STILL A STUPID NAME.
Next question, please!
A POSTER NAMED 'DREAMER' ASKS, "WHEN IS SPIDER-GIRL EVER GOING TO BREAK OUT AND REACH THE TOP 25 SELLERS AND GET A WHOLE UNIVERSE OF RELATED TITLES HANGING AROUND THE TOP 50?"
Hey, I remember Spider-Girl - that was a fun little book. But Dreamer, what you're forgetting is that Spider-Girl literally did have a whole universe of related titles when it started. There was a decent Avengers follow-up title, and a "Son of Juggernaut" book, both of which were only half as bad as people said they were. Then, when those two books tanked, Marvel in their infinite wisdom decided to do something new and unheard of: launch a Wolverine spin-off. Wild Thing launched at around the same time as Fantastic Five (which was a disturbing book for a whole lot of reasons). Both books were quickly cancelled, and good taste breathed a collective sigh of relief.
KNOCK, KNOCK
THAT MUST BE THE CORONER - I'LL GO GET IT.
But Spider-Girl? Well, hate to disappoint you, but let's look at the facts - all this book has going for it is a fun storyline, believable characters, and good artwork. We both know that's not enough for a book to survive at Marvel these days. I mean, look at her! What, B-cups at best?
OH, YOU MUST BE THAT MANTIS FROM EXILES, RIGHT? COME IN!
Uh, yeah... from exile. Right. Look, you got this place catered, right?
And that costume? Not one patch of skin. Not the tiniest little bit. Look, that may work for boy superheroes, but not for girl superheroes. Now, you make her a ninja or something and rip strategic areas of her costume off on the cover, and you may have something there.
LOOK, OUR GUEST-STARS ARE HERE! PLEASE JOIN ME IN WELCOMING, FROM EXILES, THE MANTIS AND THE LOCUST!
Hey... I know you! You're not from Exiles! You guys are from that show with that hero guy... Space... Space....
Goats?
Yeah, that's it... I think... Space Goats....
WHAT? YOU'RE NOT THE TIMEKEEPER?!? WHO ARE YOU THEN?
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse!
Funny, you look like a mantis to me. The little guy looks more like a locust....
Think of me when you look to the night sky!
I wish my brother George was here!
UMMMM... FOXTROT258 WROTE IN TO ASK, "WHAT'S STRONGER, SILVER SURFER'S POWER COSMIC OR THE HULK'S GAMMA-IRRADIATED MUSCLES?"
See, this is a perfect example of people falling for hype. I mean, the Surfer's Power Cosmic can do anything. Anything. If he wanted to wave his hands and turn the Hulk into a chili burrito, he could.
I want a chili burrito.
We don't have one. That was just an example.
KNOCK, KNOCK
I'LL GET IT.
A chili burrito... with sheep-meat! I'm hungry!
You mean mutton, I believe....
AH, AT LAST. THE BODY'S RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
Bring on the sheep!
LOOK, THE CORONER'S FINALLY HERE!
Hey, nice pajamas.
Here for body, please. Will not resurrect. Just here for body.
Oh, for God's sake... not you again. Look, we're not letting you resurrect him.
Am not ninja! Am coroner! See clever disguise?
If you're talking about the "Not a Ninja" T-shirt you're wearing over your pajamas, yes, I noticed it.
Obviously I am not ninja! Shirt says so!
Out! Get out!!!
SIGH... I REALLY THINK THAT WAS THE CORONER....
You just want to see him resurrected... again.
Are you trying to get rid of that dead body over there?
YES.
Yes.
I'm hungry. I'll devour it for you, if you want.
NO.
No.
A POSTER CALLING HIMSELF 'DEADPOOL83' WROTE IN TO ASK, "EVERY TIME I READ THIS COLUMN I JUST FIND MYSELF CONFUSED AND DISORIENTED. CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN?"
Thor desired pie.
Thor craved the light, flaky taste of e'en a single morsel with every fiber of his godly body. For six weeks now... six weeks!... the God of Thunder had travelled the dimensional spaceways to Asgard and back, all in this fruitless quest for a fruit-filled pie. Jarvis had failed Thor. Odin had failed Thor. Yon mortal baker Albertson had failed Thor. And now... Thor still needed pie!
"And yet," thought Mighty Thor, "and yet 'twould not seem to be so difficult for the God of Thunder to find pie in all of Midgard! Mayhap Thor shall try anon, at more taverns and merchants!"
So did Thor visit the house of yon waif named Wendy.
"No pie here, sir. Would ya like a Frostie? It's finger-free!"
So did Thor visit the house of yon Colonel of the South.
"Nope, we don't have pie. Hey, big boy, you're kinda cute. I'd love to come over to your place and play with your hammer...."
So did Thor visit the house of old farmer McDonald.
"Sure, we got pie! Two for a dollar! Would you like one?" asked the smiling clown garbed in yellow who met Thor at the counter.
Now Mighty Thor, in his haste to find this pie, had neglected to procure the odd currency that these strange Midgardians valued so highly. But surely, spoke Thor to the jester, surely yon Midgardian eatery wouldst do a favor to Thor, he who had saved thine undeserving asses so many times in the past.
"Ah, get outta here, ya $&*#ing hippie deadbeat," replied the clown.
The God of Thunder had had enough. In righteous anger, Thor hurled his divine hammer Mjolnir at the clown. However, the jester had already moved on to trade currency for a "Happy Meal", so the hammer missed him... and struck, instead, the oven in which all the pie was kept.
Two hours later, as the last of the mortal fire brigade left the scene, Thor sat weeping, alone and pie-less.
SURREAL.
Tulip.
Fingers!!!
You're just disturbing.
Look, you want to get rid of the body, right? Let me devour it! No more body.
Well....
NO. NOW, NICK COSTANZO WRITES, "HEH. PENETRATION."
That's... not a question, is it?
I JUST LIKED IT.
Oh.
ANAND KHATRI WRITES, "SINCE NOW THERE IS AN ULTIMATE PROPHECY, ARE THERE NOW ULTIMATE TWINKIES?"
Funny you should ask that, Anand. Why, just the other day, I was trolling the business wires and came across this press release....
<center>HOSTESS ANNOUNCES NEW ULTIMATE TWINKIES</center>
Hostess Bakeries is proud to announce new Ultimate Twinkies, for the younger, newer, hipper fan of light, flaky, packaged baked goods. That's right, no more having to eat the Twinkie from the beginning - now with Ultimate Twinkies, eaters can start wherever they want! Want to start with the luscious cream filling and work your way out to the tender spongecake? You can with new Ultimate Twinkies! Ultimate Twinkies also come with goatees and smarmy attitudes, just right to fit in with the hipper world of the twenty-first century!
Ultimate Twinkies feature a 30% smaller product, meaning our fans won't have to spend as much time eating their way through them and can quickly make their way to a satisfying finish. And Ultimate Twinkies come with new, dramatic packaging, with the Twinkie mascot in daring situations, like jumping out of a burning building or jumping out of a bright light or posing heroically in front of a burning building or posing heroically in front of a bright light!
Be on the lookout for Ultimate Twinkies and the upcoming limited edition Ultimate Snackie Cake War - Ultimate Twinkies vs. Ultimate Ding-Dong's!
So there you have it.
KNOCK, KNOCK
I'LL GET IT.
Come on, I'm hungry. You'll never miss him.
Well... how fast can you devour the body?
HERE FOR THE BODY? WONDERFUL! BY THE WAY, THAT'S A LOVELY SAI....
Oh, pretty fast. Before that jerk gets back to the room.
Go for it.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH
LOOK, JIM, IT'S THE... GAAAAHHH!!! WHAT IS HE DOING!!
Garbage disposal.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH
No! By the blessed ancestors, the body is being devoured!
OH, THE INDIGNITY! SUCH A GREAT HERO, TO BE DISHONORED LIKE THIS IN DEATH....
BURP
Your great hero needed ketchup.
GAAAHHH!!! Now who shall we resurrect to lead the battle against Daredevil?
I hear Sue Dibny died in Identity Crisis recently...
Quickly, my Hand brethren! To DC!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET THIS BUG EAT THE BODY OF THE GREATEST MUTANT HERO THAT EVER LIVED!
Wow, it smells better in here already.
Think I've got a claw stuck in my teeth now....
Mantises have teeth?
YOU KNOW, WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHO KILLED HIM. I THINK YOUR ATTITUDE IS JUST VERIFYING WHAT A POSTER CALLED EKLIPSE WROTE IN TO SAY - HE THINKS IT WAS YOU.
I only wish I could take credit for it... it was probably the Dark Knight, like that Anthony guy said. I mean, he was smart enough to pull it off, and he put himself in charge of the investigation pretty quick.
WELL, WE HAVE MORE QUESTIONS, BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF TIME FOR THIS WEEK. WRITE IN WITH YOUR QUESTIONS TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM, OR POST THEM IN THIS THREAD.
Was that column supposed to be funny? Because I thought it was stupid.
AND NEXT TIME WE'LL BE RELEASING THE FIRST OF OUR VERY SPECIAL LIMITED SERIES COMMEMORATING THE LIFE AND DEATH OF A GREAT MUTANT HERO.
Yeah, I thought it was stupid, too.
The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Speedball is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics, no matter how much they might currently like to deny it. The "Not A Ninja" T-shirt is copyright Ninja Burger Enterprises, serving food invisibly, in thirty minutes or less. Ultimate Twinkies, Ultimate Ding-Dongs, and Ultimate Snackie Cake War are registered trademarks of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who are frankly getting disturbed that they're mentioned so often in this column.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS COLUMN NEEDS? A RECAP PAGE!
I've never heard of a column with a recap page.
WITH STYLISH WHITE TEXT ON A SOLID BLACK BACKGROUND TO SHOW HOW HIP AND GOTH WE ARE!
You're about as Goth as Dick Cheney.
AND DRAMATIC HEAD-SHOTS OF OUR PRIMARY CAST ALONG THE TOP!
Do you honestly think anybody cares what we look like?
WELL... A RECAP PARAGRAPH, AT LEAST. OKAY?
Only if I can make fun of your idiotic taste in guest-stars when you're done.
AND THERE CAME A DAY... A DAY UNLIKE ANY OTHER! A DAY WHEN A JADED EX-COMIC-BOOK-FAN WAS DRAGGED BACK TO FULFILL A GRAND PROPHECY: ANSWER THE LETTERS OF THE READERS, AND YOUR DREAMS OF QUALITY MAINSTREAM COMICS WILL BE FULFILLED! WATCHMEN VOLUME 2 WILL BE RELEASED, AND THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD WILL ENJOY DELICIOUS TWINKIES! SO THE JADED COMICS-FAN RETURNED, ONLY TO BE MET WITH TRAGEDY - HIS FIRST GUEST-STAR, A CERTAIN CLAWED MUTANT, WAS MURDERED! BUT BY WHO? THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE INVESTIGATED... BUT THE KILLER HAS NOT YET BEEN CAUGHT!
<small>Meanwhile, Thor still didn't have any pie, and Jim still didn't have any Twinkies.</small>
WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
Nothing. Look, when I agreed to do this column, there were two things I didn't agree to: working in an office with a smelly corpse, and dealing with stupid guest stars. Why is that runt's body still here, and who the hell are "the bugs from Exiles"?
I BOOKED THEM FOR YOU - I THOUGHT YOU USED TO LOVE EXILES.
"Used to" is right. But that was before their most heroic member was poultry.
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE NAMORA NOW! AND SHE HAS BIG BOOBS!
Sigh....
SCANTILY CLAD BIG BOOBS! LIKE ELEKTRA! OR THE BLACK CAT!
Neither of whom were able to support their own series any more than their bras could support their... never mind. Look, I appreciate big boobs. As much as, if not more than, the next guy. In what I read, though, I tend to appreciate a decent story more. I mean, it's not like I ever bought Lady Death, or Purgatori, or The Blob Goes On Spring Break. And his boobs were huge!
AS FOR THE BODY, THE CORONER SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
It's been a freaking month!!! What the hell is taking him so long?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN DC STARTS DOING MINI-SERIES MEGA-EVENTS....
Oh... lotsa dead second-tier characters, huh?
IT'S LIKE CLOCKWORK.
So is Uncle Marvel dead yet?
I DON'T THINK SO.
Man, there's no justice in the world.
WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR GUEST-STAR TO ARRIVE... LET'S DO A QUESTION. KEN BOEHM WRITES, "WHY IS MARK BAGLEY THE BEST PENCILLER EVER?"
Because he won the Official Marvel Try-Out Contest? And seriously, you can only imagine how much competition there was for that one....
KNOCK, KNOCK
THAT MUST BE OUR GUEST-STARS - I'LL GO GET IT.
Because he's the only man alive to pencil two New Universe series, a Star book based on some really crappy toys, Moon Knight, and Strikeforce Morituri?
HELLO... WHAT? OH... YOU'RE THE CORONERS? HERE FOR THE BODY?
Because he successfully made Speedball cool, which nobody thought could be done?
YES, HE'S RIGHT THIS WAY... TRAGIC, ISN'T IT....
And I mean, honestly, Speedball?!? I actually own his limited series - it was like watching Leave it to Beaver... only in the comic version, the Beav could bounce. You dropped him from a three-story building, he hit the ground and bounced. No lie, it was trippy stuff.
LOOK JIM, THE CORONERS ARE HERE TO TAKE THE BODY!
It's about damn time. What took you guys so... so... hey now, wait a minute....
It is pleasure to meet you. We are here for body.
You're not coroners!
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? THEY'RE JUST HERE TO TAKE HIM TO THE MORTUARY.
Um, hello? When was the last time you saw coroners wearing red ninja suits? That's the Hand!
We are not ninja! If we were ninja, we would be... ah... sneaking in.
Dude, they're the frickin' Hand!!! They resurrect everybody and try to make them their slaves! Haven't you read Daredevil? Or X-Men? Or The Get-Along Gang?
DID MORRISSON WRITE ANY OF THOSE?
No, we are coroners! Coroners of much honor!
Then what do coroners need katanas for?
I have no katana!
Yes, you do. It's right there, on your hip.
You cannot see it! It is invisible!
Out! Out! Get out of here before I get the hose!
HMPH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST RAN OFF THE CORONERS.
They weren't coroners. They were ninjas. God, how stupid are you?
RIGHT. NINJAS. CALLED "THE FOOT."
The Hand.
THAT'S STILL A STUPID NAME.
Next question, please!
A POSTER NAMED 'DREAMER' ASKS, "WHEN IS SPIDER-GIRL EVER GOING TO BREAK OUT AND REACH THE TOP 25 SELLERS AND GET A WHOLE UNIVERSE OF RELATED TITLES HANGING AROUND THE TOP 50?"
Hey, I remember Spider-Girl - that was a fun little book. But Dreamer, what you're forgetting is that Spider-Girl literally did have a whole universe of related titles when it started. There was a decent Avengers follow-up title, and a "Son of Juggernaut" book, both of which were only half as bad as people said they were. Then, when those two books tanked, Marvel in their infinite wisdom decided to do something new and unheard of: launch a Wolverine spin-off. Wild Thing launched at around the same time as Fantastic Five (which was a disturbing book for a whole lot of reasons). Both books were quickly cancelled, and good taste breathed a collective sigh of relief.
KNOCK, KNOCK
THAT MUST BE THE CORONER - I'LL GO GET IT.
But Spider-Girl? Well, hate to disappoint you, but let's look at the facts - all this book has going for it is a fun storyline, believable characters, and good artwork. We both know that's not enough for a book to survive at Marvel these days. I mean, look at her! What, B-cups at best?
OH, YOU MUST BE THAT MANTIS FROM EXILES, RIGHT? COME IN!
Uh, yeah... from exile. Right. Look, you got this place catered, right?
And that costume? Not one patch of skin. Not the tiniest little bit. Look, that may work for boy superheroes, but not for girl superheroes. Now, you make her a ninja or something and rip strategic areas of her costume off on the cover, and you may have something there.
LOOK, OUR GUEST-STARS ARE HERE! PLEASE JOIN ME IN WELCOMING, FROM EXILES, THE MANTIS AND THE LOCUST!
Hey... I know you! You're not from Exiles! You guys are from that show with that hero guy... Space... Space....
Goats?
Yeah, that's it... I think... Space Goats....
WHAT? YOU'RE NOT THE TIMEKEEPER?!? WHO ARE YOU THEN?
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse!
Funny, you look like a mantis to me. The little guy looks more like a locust....
Think of me when you look to the night sky!
I wish my brother George was here!
UMMMM... FOXTROT258 WROTE IN TO ASK, "WHAT'S STRONGER, SILVER SURFER'S POWER COSMIC OR THE HULK'S GAMMA-IRRADIATED MUSCLES?"
See, this is a perfect example of people falling for hype. I mean, the Surfer's Power Cosmic can do anything. Anything. If he wanted to wave his hands and turn the Hulk into a chili burrito, he could.
I want a chili burrito.
We don't have one. That was just an example.
KNOCK, KNOCK
I'LL GET IT.
A chili burrito... with sheep-meat! I'm hungry!
You mean mutton, I believe....
AH, AT LAST. THE BODY'S RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
Bring on the sheep!
LOOK, THE CORONER'S FINALLY HERE!
Hey, nice pajamas.
Here for body, please. Will not resurrect. Just here for body.
Oh, for God's sake... not you again. Look, we're not letting you resurrect him.
Am not ninja! Am coroner! See clever disguise?
If you're talking about the "Not a Ninja" T-shirt you're wearing over your pajamas, yes, I noticed it.
Obviously I am not ninja! Shirt says so!
Out! Get out!!!
SIGH... I REALLY THINK THAT WAS THE CORONER....
You just want to see him resurrected... again.
Are you trying to get rid of that dead body over there?
YES.
Yes.
I'm hungry. I'll devour it for you, if you want.
NO.
No.
A POSTER CALLING HIMSELF 'DEADPOOL83' WROTE IN TO ASK, "EVERY TIME I READ THIS COLUMN I JUST FIND MYSELF CONFUSED AND DISORIENTED. CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN?"
Thor desired pie.
Thor craved the light, flaky taste of e'en a single morsel with every fiber of his godly body. For six weeks now... six weeks!... the God of Thunder had travelled the dimensional spaceways to Asgard and back, all in this fruitless quest for a fruit-filled pie. Jarvis had failed Thor. Odin had failed Thor. Yon mortal baker Albertson had failed Thor. And now... Thor still needed pie!
"And yet," thought Mighty Thor, "and yet 'twould not seem to be so difficult for the God of Thunder to find pie in all of Midgard! Mayhap Thor shall try anon, at more taverns and merchants!"
So did Thor visit the house of yon waif named Wendy.
"No pie here, sir. Would ya like a Frostie? It's finger-free!"
So did Thor visit the house of yon Colonel of the South.
"Nope, we don't have pie. Hey, big boy, you're kinda cute. I'd love to come over to your place and play with your hammer...."
So did Thor visit the house of old farmer McDonald.
"Sure, we got pie! Two for a dollar! Would you like one?" asked the smiling clown garbed in yellow who met Thor at the counter.
Now Mighty Thor, in his haste to find this pie, had neglected to procure the odd currency that these strange Midgardians valued so highly. But surely, spoke Thor to the jester, surely yon Midgardian eatery wouldst do a favor to Thor, he who had saved thine undeserving asses so many times in the past.
"Ah, get outta here, ya $&*#ing hippie deadbeat," replied the clown.
The God of Thunder had had enough. In righteous anger, Thor hurled his divine hammer Mjolnir at the clown. However, the jester had already moved on to trade currency for a "Happy Meal", so the hammer missed him... and struck, instead, the oven in which all the pie was kept.
Two hours later, as the last of the mortal fire brigade left the scene, Thor sat weeping, alone and pie-less.
SURREAL.
Tulip.
Fingers!!!
You're just disturbing.
Look, you want to get rid of the body, right? Let me devour it! No more body.
Well....
NO. NOW, NICK COSTANZO WRITES, "HEH. PENETRATION."
That's... not a question, is it?
I JUST LIKED IT.
Oh.
ANAND KHATRI WRITES, "SINCE NOW THERE IS AN ULTIMATE PROPHECY, ARE THERE NOW ULTIMATE TWINKIES?"
Funny you should ask that, Anand. Why, just the other day, I was trolling the business wires and came across this press release....
<center>HOSTESS ANNOUNCES NEW ULTIMATE TWINKIES</center>
Hostess Bakeries is proud to announce new Ultimate Twinkies, for the younger, newer, hipper fan of light, flaky, packaged baked goods. That's right, no more having to eat the Twinkie from the beginning - now with Ultimate Twinkies, eaters can start wherever they want! Want to start with the luscious cream filling and work your way out to the tender spongecake? You can with new Ultimate Twinkies! Ultimate Twinkies also come with goatees and smarmy attitudes, just right to fit in with the hipper world of the twenty-first century!
Ultimate Twinkies feature a 30% smaller product, meaning our fans won't have to spend as much time eating their way through them and can quickly make their way to a satisfying finish. And Ultimate Twinkies come with new, dramatic packaging, with the Twinkie mascot in daring situations, like jumping out of a burning building or jumping out of a bright light or posing heroically in front of a burning building or posing heroically in front of a bright light!
Be on the lookout for Ultimate Twinkies and the upcoming limited edition Ultimate Snackie Cake War - Ultimate Twinkies vs. Ultimate Ding-Dong's!
So there you have it.
KNOCK, KNOCK
I'LL GET IT.
Come on, I'm hungry. You'll never miss him.
Well... how fast can you devour the body?
HERE FOR THE BODY? WONDERFUL! BY THE WAY, THAT'S A LOVELY SAI....
Oh, pretty fast. Before that jerk gets back to the room.
Go for it.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH
LOOK, JIM, IT'S THE... GAAAAHHH!!! WHAT IS HE DOING!!
Garbage disposal.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH
No! By the blessed ancestors, the body is being devoured!
OH, THE INDIGNITY! SUCH A GREAT HERO, TO BE DISHONORED LIKE THIS IN DEATH....
BURP
Your great hero needed ketchup.
GAAAHHH!!! Now who shall we resurrect to lead the battle against Daredevil?
I hear Sue Dibny died in Identity Crisis recently...
Quickly, my Hand brethren! To DC!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET THIS BUG EAT THE BODY OF THE GREATEST MUTANT HERO THAT EVER LIVED!
Wow, it smells better in here already.
Think I've got a claw stuck in my teeth now....
Mantises have teeth?
YOU KNOW, WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHO KILLED HIM. I THINK YOUR ATTITUDE IS JUST VERIFYING WHAT A POSTER CALLED EKLIPSE WROTE IN TO SAY - HE THINKS IT WAS YOU.
I only wish I could take credit for it... it was probably the Dark Knight, like that Anthony guy said. I mean, he was smart enough to pull it off, and he put himself in charge of the investigation pretty quick.
WELL, WE HAVE MORE QUESTIONS, BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF TIME FOR THIS WEEK. WRITE IN WITH YOUR QUESTIONS TO BECAUSEYOUDEMANDEDIT@GMAIL.COM, OR POST THEM IN THIS THREAD.
Was that column supposed to be funny? Because I thought it was stupid.
AND NEXT TIME WE'LL BE RELEASING THE FIRST OF OUR VERY SPECIAL LIMITED SERIES COMMEMORATING THE LIFE AND DEATH OF A GREAT MUTANT HERO.
Yeah, I thought it was stupid, too.
The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Speedball is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics, no matter how much they might currently like to deny it. The "Not A Ninja" T-shirt is copyright Ninja Burger Enterprises, serving food invisibly, in thirty minutes or less. Ultimate Twinkies, Ultimate Ding-Dongs, and Ultimate Snackie Cake War are registered trademarks of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who are frankly getting disturbed that they're mentioned so often in this column.