Jim Lemoine
Apr 28, 2005, 09:16 am
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi2-2.jpg" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
What? Another guest-star?!? Hey, Mighty edi-Tor... can't this column stand on its own merits?
WHY TAKE CHANCES? WITH THE REPEATED GUEST-STARS, FANS OF THE CHARACTER WILL BE FORCED TO READ YOUR COLUMN. THEN YOU'LL SUCCEED. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Sure, but it would be nice not to have to focus on gratuitous guest-stars every time we do this. That mutant runt was really annoying last time.
BUT THINK OF ALL THE EXTRA READERS YOU GOT BECAUSE OF HIM!
Yeah, but was it worth it? I mean, just talking about the Go-Bots blew up his head.
A SAD, SAD DAY.
If you say so. And here I was just thinking, "Whoever said the Go-Bots were good for nothing was only mostly right."
TODAY'S GUEST STAR SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
Right... say, do you smell something?
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, THERE IS A PUTRID ODOR IN HERE.
Seems like it's coming from over here... oh my God! That's disgusting!
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
See for yourself!
I CAN'T - WE DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR AN ARTIST ON THIS COLUMN.
Oh. It's the pipsqueak - he hasn't grown his head back... and someone stuffed him in the closet! He's still... is he... dead?
HE CAN'T DIE! HE'S GOT THAT HEALING FACTOR THAT MAKES HIM THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL MUTANTS!
If you say so. Whatever happened, he sure stinks. I thought you said Superboy was gonna clean this up? What, he just stuffed the body in the closet hoping the head would grow back?
THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR USING CHEAP HELP.
This man is dead.
Gah!!!! Man, don't sneak up on people like that.
Okay, fine, don't say anything. Just examine the body. Didn't want to talk anyway.
HE CAN'T BE DEAD! HE CAN'T... HE CAN'T... WHAT WILL WE PUT ON OUR COVERS NOW???
Spider-Man, probably.
WE MUST FIND OUT HOW THIS HAPPENED! WE MUST FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE!
And give him a medal?
GOOD THING WE HAVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE HERE!
So where's the Boy Wonder, Dark Knight?
Um... Dark Knight?
Fine, be that way.
HE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
The one that isn't dead?
THAT DOESN'T HELP MUCH.
Hey, where'd he go? He was just standing right there by the body!
ISN'T IT DRAMATIC?
Damned anti-social is what I'd call it.
WELL, AS OUR GUEST STAR INVESTIGATES... AH... THE FATE OF OUR LAST GUEST STAR....
Yeah, this column is off to a great start. Just two columns in and we've already killed our biggest draw.
... LET'S GET TO THIS WEEK'S QUESTIONS. AIRHEAD WROTE IN TO ASK "HAS WOLVERINE APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE MARVEL COMIC SERIES EVER?"
That's an interesting question, and I'm guessing the answer is "No." I mean, sure, he's been a member of the Fantastic Four, and sure he's an Avenger these days, and sure, he's appeared almost regularly in books like Daredevil and Death's Head II, but... nah, couldn't be. I don't remember him being in Guardians of the Galaxy, for instance.
IT WAS HINTED THAT HE WAS JUST OFF-PANEL IN A MADRIPOOR SCENE... AND HIS SKELETON WAS DEFINITELY PROMINENT IN THE BOOK, SO THAT COUNTS.
Oh. Well, I'm pretty sure he wasn't in Damage Control.
THEY HIT HIM WITH A PIE IN THE FOURTH ISSUE.
Oh, yeah - I loved that issue. Ummm... well, there's no way he was in Star Trek: The Next Generation...
ALL OF THE X-MEN DID A GUEST SHOT IN A BIG TIME TRAVEL STORY.
Yeah. Hmmm. He absolutely couldn't have been in Crystar, Crystal Warrior...
FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT - TURNS OUT HIS CLAWS WERE THE ONLY THINGS THAT COULD CUT CRYSTAR'S SKIN.
What? Well, surely he wasn't in G.I.Joe....
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BARONESS USED TO BE A MAN... BEFORE HE MET WOLVERINE?
No way! But she's so... so... Ewwww.
NO LIE.
Wait, I'll get one... ummmm... it's simply impossible that he was ever in Heathcliff!
HE'S ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO HELPED LITTLE BILLY GET HIS PAPERBOY JOB, AFTER HE SLICED UP VICTOR JR., THE EVIL PAPERBOY.
Sigh.
Millie the Model?
DID YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT BEFORE THE COMICS CODE WAS FORMED, MILLIE AND LOGAN WENT OUT AND GOT REALLY DRUNK, AND THEN...
Stop! I don't want to know! Fine, I give up. You win, he's been in everything.
... BUT THERE'S THIS GREAT PART WHERE MILLIE'S LYING ON THE BED AND HE SAYS, "I'M THE BEST THERE IS..."
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, CANT HEAR YOU.... Look, you win, he's been in everything. That's the answer to the question. Just be quiet, please... I'm getting mental pictures. And they're making me shiver.
Do you two even realize what's happened here?
LOOK, OUR GUEST-STAR'S BACK!
And he's not dead yet!
QUIET, YOU.
There are two pieces of evidence which lead me to believe that this man was murdered.
Murdered? Okay, what's the evidence?
First, this device. I found it in the corpse. This is what's left of an explosive specifically designed to neutralize a mutant healing factor. Implanted just before death, I'd guess.
Wow... so someone got him just before he came on for the last column? But that sounds awfully convenient... where, pray tell, did this miracle device come from?
Looks like a leftover from something called the "Onslaught Protocols."
Yeah, that story nearly made my head explode, too.
The second piece of evidence seems to point to the motive: humiliation. After he was killed, this mutant was apparently dressed in a ridiculous banana yellow costume. Obviously this was an attempt by the murderer to embarrass and degrade the mutant, even in death.
Embarrassed, degraded... yep, that sounds just about right.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE, DARK KNIGHT! THAT'S HIS NORMAL... HIS NORMAL... SAY, WHERE'D HE GO?
Isn't it dramatic?
HMMMPH...
Dark and gritty?
STOP ENJOYING THIS. A MAN HAS BEEN MURDERED!
Noooo... a mutant caricature has been murdered. But I digress. Shouldn't we be answering questions or something?
FINE. A POSTER NAMED LOGANBABE WRITES, "YES, LAME WOLVERINE JOKES. HILARIOUS. YOU CAN'T BE MORE ORIGINAL THAN THAT. IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?"
Wolverine? Who said anything about...
HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?
Huh?
HOW DARE YOU, MA'AM, MAKE LIGHT OF THIS HERO'S DEATH? AFTER SO MANY ADVENTURES, TO HAVE HIS LIFE ENDED SO IGNOBLY....
Who are you talking to?
THIS "LOGANBABE"... THIS... THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, YOU SO-CALLED FAN, FOR MOCKING THE END OF THIS GREAT MAN'S LIFE!
Whoa, chill, edi-Tor, I think what Loganbabe meant was....
NO, DON'T TRY TO STOP ME - IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TRUE INNER MEANING OF THIS GREAT HERO! I AM FLABBERGASTED THAT WE WOULD RECEIVE A QUESTION SO OBVIOUSLY ATTEMPTING TO MUDDY THE REPUTATION OF THIS WONDERFUL MAN!
Um, if you say so, but I really think it was more of a....
HE SHOULD NOT BE INSULTED - HE SHOULD BE HONORED!!! YES, HONORED - WITH RETROSPECTIVE CHROME-COVERED ONE-SHOTS, AND LIMITED-SERIES TEAMING HIM WITH HIS BEST FRIENDS LIKE SPIDER-MAN AND DAREDEVIL AND THE PUNISHER, AND COMMEMORATIVE STATUES, AND 'DEATH OF' METALLIC PRINTS, AND MORE LIMITED-SERIES!!!
That sounds so... marketable.
WHY, I'LL BEGIN PLANNING THE FIRST LIMITED SERIES RIGHT NOW! THAT WILL SHOW YOU WHO'S TRYING TO MOCK A GREAT HERO, AND WHO'S TRYING TO HONOR HIM!
Umm... can I answer a question or something while you're busy being all righteously indignant?
WHAT? OH, FINE. HERE, READ THIS ONE.
Okay. Ummm... Mitch Brown wrote in to ask, "What's wrong with 'bugger'?
What kind of question is that?
edi-Tor?
Fine, then. There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'bugger.' I assume you mean 'bugger' in the comic book perspective, as used by Booster Gold in reference to the "Bug," Blue Beetle's flying ship, in those early issues of the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League International, usually in scenes that went something like this:
Booster: So... got a date with Fire tonight, huh?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Gonna get all cozy and romantic?
Beetle: Maybe.
Booster: Gonna take her up in your <quotey fingers>flying ship?
Beetle: I was thinking about it.
Booster: Oh. So you are gonna bugg'er.
Beetle: BOOSTER!!!
or this classic scene from Justice League Spectacular:
Booster: So... heard you gave Ice a ride back to the States?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Was it fun?
Beetle: I guess so.
Booster: Didja bug'er?
Beetle: BOOSTER!!!
or this best-forgotten scene from the close of the team's run:
Booster: So... heard you and Captain Atom were doing <quotey fingers>strategic planning late last night?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Was it fun?
Beetle: I guess so.
Booster: Didja bug'er?
Beetle: Booster, Captain Atom is a guy.
Booster: No way... really?
... and so on. So yes, Mitch, bugger. Bugger good, and feel proud.
Who knew this man was going to be here?
Who knew who was going to be here?
The murdered mutant.
Oh, the headless stiff with the claws? Look, I didn't even know until he showed up. Ask the edi-Tor.
WHAT? OH, EVERYBODY KNEW. THE FANBOY, THE ELITIST, THE DOCTOR, PHONCIBLE, DOOM....
What?!? It's my column - how come all of them knew, and nobody bothered to tell me?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.
I... well....
HEAR THAT, DARK KNIGHT? JIM DIDN'T LIKE THE DECEASED.
Hey, now, wait a minute....
It must have been someone who knew he'd be here. Unless you're lying about not knowing...
Ummm... hey, it's question time! What's the next one?
A POSTER NAMED 'DEADPOOL83' WROTE IN TO ASK, "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL THIS ARTICLE IS ALL ABOUT? PLEASE???"
The Mighty Thor was suffering a poor day, a day unworthy of the Thunder God. First he had been spurned by kind Jarvis in his quest for pie. Now AllFather Odin had returned, which, verily, was a good thing, but Why oh Great Ones who Live Above in Shadow, Why did he have to return and eat the last pie in all the Golden Realm? So it was that the prince of Asgard set out once more for the land of Earth to find that light, flaky, fruit-filled pastry that he so desperately sought.
Landing on a packed street corner in the land these mortals called "New York," Thor felt some relief. "At last," thought he, "surely one of yon fragile Earthers will respect the might of their savior, the powerful Thunder God. Surely they shall remember their deliverance from the Destroyer, the destruction of the Absorbing Man, and mine noble bitch-slapping of Thor Girl. Surely they shall lead Mighty Thor to pie!" Thor stopped a young mortal wearing a strange metal device that was inserted into his ears, from which the strangest of sounds were emanating.
"Attention, mortal!" said the Thunder God. "Thor desires pie! Where canst pie be found in this simple village?"
"Huh? Oh, try Albertson's," said the youth.
And so Thor did enter the building bearing the name of Albertson, whereIN he found a veritable bounty of foodstuffs worthy of the Royal Table... but that which he sought was not in sight. "Pie!" demanded Thor. "Pie! Pie to sate the God of Thunder!"
"Aisle One, in the bakery," said a mortal from off-camera.
In excitement did the Son of Odin twirl his hammer through the air, creating a mystic vortex that would take him henceforth and immediately to this "Bakery of the Isle of One." However, Mighty Thor misjudged the frailty of the home of Albertson, and indeed, the winds of mighty Mjolnir ripped the grocer's store from its foundation, crushing it beneath its own weight. By the time Mighty Thor emerged from his portal (about twenty feet away from where he started), Albertson's had been thoroughly destroyed. All that was left, in the eyes of Thor, was plaster, twisted metal, the remains of shelving, and here and there, crumbs of food that might have once been a delicious pie.
"NOOOOOO!!!!" screamed the God of Thunder as he took off into the skies to redouble his efforts.
SURREAL.
Toaster.
Murderer?
WE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM SOMEBODY CALLED "DAYTRIPPER," APPARENTLY ASKING ABOUT YOUR REPEATED SCARLET WITCH REFERENCES. SHE WRITES, "WHO'S WANDA, AND WHY DO YOU WANT HER? AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
Uh-oh.
WHAT'S WRONG?
Ummm... crap.
I'd imagine that it's some girlfriend of his.
REALLY?!? JIM HAD A GIRLFRIEND?
From his state of agitation, I'd guess it's a current girlfriend.
... ummmm....
I DIDN'T THINK ANY OF US EVEN KNEW ANY GIRLS....
... ummmm... so, about this murder mystery....
That's not what we were talking about.
Y'know, you used to be a lot more fun. Whatever happened to that fun-loving superhero I used to know? The one with the Bat-Water-Cooler and the Bat-Closed-Circuit-13"-Color-Television?
He... this device was used on him. And now there is just... the Dark Knight.
This device... what is this? A "de-Westinator"? So what happens if I click this 'reverse' button?
ZAPP!!!!
I have it! I have the answer to the mystery, my young chums!
Hey, your costume sure got lame all of a sudden.
According to his close friend Chris Claremont, the deceased was the best there was at what he did. The best there was... To be declared the best, you have to win. What is the most important competition in history?
CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS II?
Battle of the Network Stars?
Precisely, my young ward. Alan Thicke competed on the high wire. Goldie Hawn starred in Bird on a Wire. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. President Bush ordered...
What the hell is he talking about?
SSSHHHHHH! HE'S THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE. LET HIM WORK!
... and war often begins with an assault. An assault... an an X-Man. X-Assault was designed by... My god, do you realize what this means?
Uh-oh.
It was YOU! You killed him!
Look... I didn't know he would even be here. It couldn't have been me, as much as I might like to take credit for it. Umm... next question, please?
BUT YOU NEVER ANSWERED THE FIRST...
Next question, now!!!
ALL RIGHT... BLOODWIN1 ASKS, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO AN 'ULTIMATES' VERSION OF THIS COLUMN? I'M SURE THE NEW READERS OF TODAY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THEIR OWN VERSION OF THIS COLUMN WITHOUT HAVING TO BUY ALL THE BACK ISSUES AND GRAPHIC NOVELS LIKE I DID...."
Oh, for God's sake, now you've done it....
WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA!
I knew it.
NO MORE HAVING TO UNDERSTAND CONVOLUTED HISTORY - LET'S GET BACK TO BASICS WITH AN ULTIMATE RELAUNCH!!!
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BECAUSE YOU ULTIMATED IT V2 #1 - SIMPLER INTRODUCTORY ISSUE!
I'M GLAD YOU'VE BEEN ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS IN YOUR COLUMN FOR ALL THESE YEARS.
Prophecy, my ass. (look, I can say 'ass'!) Where the hell are my twinkies?
MEET MY FRIEND, CAPTAIN STACY.
Hi there, Captain...
Aaaaiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
TOO LATE!! HE'S ALREADY DEAD.
Speaking of Spider-Man, did you know he's young and smarmy? Because he is.
Hey, bub. Don't make me hurt you.
Nice goatee.
YOU LOOK TALLER THAN I REMEMBER.
Bucky!!! I'm so glad you're not dead!
Blow it out yer ear, flag-face - I've got a date with a cypress tree!
Hey, look, it's Hippy-Thor!
Thor desires ecologically friendly organic pie!
AHHHH!!! The Skrulls are attacking!
LOOK AGAIN.
Oh.
AHHHH!!! The Chitauri are attacking!
HE'S DEAD!
When did he die?
JUST OFF-PANEL.
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THERE. WASN'T THAT ULTIMATE?
... don't get me started.
Well, that's the last of the questions - guess that's it for this installment. Do we have to do this again? Isn't that Prophecy fulfilled yet?
Not yet, little chum. At least, that's what my Bat-Crystal-Ball tells me.
Will you please de-Westinate him? He sounds like Dick Van Dyke.
ALL RIGHT, I SUPPOSE IT'S THIS BUTTON...
ZAPP!!!!
Do that again and I kill you.
YESSIR.
I've collected the evidence and compiled a suspect list. I'll send you my findings.
Okay, but just remember that I didn't... didn't... hey, where'd he go?
I THINK HE DROPPED HIS BAT-WALLET.
So, is that it? Do we end it here? Do we just remind them that we need more questions, that the Twinkie-filled prophecy is not yet fulfilled, that they should e-mail their questions to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com or post them below this thread, and that we'll have to pick up the question of the mutant's murder next time?
NAH, DON'T TELL'EM ANY OF THAT. THAT'D BE CONTINUITY. CAN'T HAVE THAT.
Oh. Right.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. World's Greatest Detective is a registered trademark, not of DC Comics, but of the Estate of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and don't you forget it - Holmes and Watson could kick the Dark Knight's butt from here to Baker Street. Ultimate Comics are a trademark of Marvel Comics, who still owe Jim three hundred bucks, and no, don't you even begin to think that he's forgotten it. The de-Westinator used in this column was suggested by Raul Grau (oh, and thanks so much for that) and was built by the fine folks at General Electric, who are making the world a better place one Adam West at a time.
What? Another guest-star?!? Hey, Mighty edi-Tor... can't this column stand on its own merits?
WHY TAKE CHANCES? WITH THE REPEATED GUEST-STARS, FANS OF THE CHARACTER WILL BE FORCED TO READ YOUR COLUMN. THEN YOU'LL SUCCEED. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Sure, but it would be nice not to have to focus on gratuitous guest-stars every time we do this. That mutant runt was really annoying last time.
BUT THINK OF ALL THE EXTRA READERS YOU GOT BECAUSE OF HIM!
Yeah, but was it worth it? I mean, just talking about the Go-Bots blew up his head.
A SAD, SAD DAY.
If you say so. And here I was just thinking, "Whoever said the Go-Bots were good for nothing was only mostly right."
TODAY'S GUEST STAR SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
Right... say, do you smell something?
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, THERE IS A PUTRID ODOR IN HERE.
Seems like it's coming from over here... oh my God! That's disgusting!
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
See for yourself!
I CAN'T - WE DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR AN ARTIST ON THIS COLUMN.
Oh. It's the pipsqueak - he hasn't grown his head back... and someone stuffed him in the closet! He's still... is he... dead?
HE CAN'T DIE! HE'S GOT THAT HEALING FACTOR THAT MAKES HIM THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL MUTANTS!
If you say so. Whatever happened, he sure stinks. I thought you said Superboy was gonna clean this up? What, he just stuffed the body in the closet hoping the head would grow back?
THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR USING CHEAP HELP.
This man is dead.
Gah!!!! Man, don't sneak up on people like that.
Okay, fine, don't say anything. Just examine the body. Didn't want to talk anyway.
HE CAN'T BE DEAD! HE CAN'T... HE CAN'T... WHAT WILL WE PUT ON OUR COVERS NOW???
Spider-Man, probably.
WE MUST FIND OUT HOW THIS HAPPENED! WE MUST FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE!
And give him a medal?
GOOD THING WE HAVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE HERE!
So where's the Boy Wonder, Dark Knight?
Um... Dark Knight?
Fine, be that way.
HE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
The one that isn't dead?
THAT DOESN'T HELP MUCH.
Hey, where'd he go? He was just standing right there by the body!
ISN'T IT DRAMATIC?
Damned anti-social is what I'd call it.
WELL, AS OUR GUEST STAR INVESTIGATES... AH... THE FATE OF OUR LAST GUEST STAR....
Yeah, this column is off to a great start. Just two columns in and we've already killed our biggest draw.
... LET'S GET TO THIS WEEK'S QUESTIONS. AIRHEAD WROTE IN TO ASK "HAS WOLVERINE APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE MARVEL COMIC SERIES EVER?"
That's an interesting question, and I'm guessing the answer is "No." I mean, sure, he's been a member of the Fantastic Four, and sure he's an Avenger these days, and sure, he's appeared almost regularly in books like Daredevil and Death's Head II, but... nah, couldn't be. I don't remember him being in Guardians of the Galaxy, for instance.
IT WAS HINTED THAT HE WAS JUST OFF-PANEL IN A MADRIPOOR SCENE... AND HIS SKELETON WAS DEFINITELY PROMINENT IN THE BOOK, SO THAT COUNTS.
Oh. Well, I'm pretty sure he wasn't in Damage Control.
THEY HIT HIM WITH A PIE IN THE FOURTH ISSUE.
Oh, yeah - I loved that issue. Ummm... well, there's no way he was in Star Trek: The Next Generation...
ALL OF THE X-MEN DID A GUEST SHOT IN A BIG TIME TRAVEL STORY.
Yeah. Hmmm. He absolutely couldn't have been in Crystar, Crystal Warrior...
FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT - TURNS OUT HIS CLAWS WERE THE ONLY THINGS THAT COULD CUT CRYSTAR'S SKIN.
What? Well, surely he wasn't in G.I.Joe....
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BARONESS USED TO BE A MAN... BEFORE HE MET WOLVERINE?
No way! But she's so... so... Ewwww.
NO LIE.
Wait, I'll get one... ummmm... it's simply impossible that he was ever in Heathcliff!
HE'S ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO HELPED LITTLE BILLY GET HIS PAPERBOY JOB, AFTER HE SLICED UP VICTOR JR., THE EVIL PAPERBOY.
Sigh.
Millie the Model?
DID YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT BEFORE THE COMICS CODE WAS FORMED, MILLIE AND LOGAN WENT OUT AND GOT REALLY DRUNK, AND THEN...
Stop! I don't want to know! Fine, I give up. You win, he's been in everything.
... BUT THERE'S THIS GREAT PART WHERE MILLIE'S LYING ON THE BED AND HE SAYS, "I'M THE BEST THERE IS..."
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, CANT HEAR YOU.... Look, you win, he's been in everything. That's the answer to the question. Just be quiet, please... I'm getting mental pictures. And they're making me shiver.
Do you two even realize what's happened here?
LOOK, OUR GUEST-STAR'S BACK!
And he's not dead yet!
QUIET, YOU.
There are two pieces of evidence which lead me to believe that this man was murdered.
Murdered? Okay, what's the evidence?
First, this device. I found it in the corpse. This is what's left of an explosive specifically designed to neutralize a mutant healing factor. Implanted just before death, I'd guess.
Wow... so someone got him just before he came on for the last column? But that sounds awfully convenient... where, pray tell, did this miracle device come from?
Looks like a leftover from something called the "Onslaught Protocols."
Yeah, that story nearly made my head explode, too.
The second piece of evidence seems to point to the motive: humiliation. After he was killed, this mutant was apparently dressed in a ridiculous banana yellow costume. Obviously this was an attempt by the murderer to embarrass and degrade the mutant, even in death.
Embarrassed, degraded... yep, that sounds just about right.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE, DARK KNIGHT! THAT'S HIS NORMAL... HIS NORMAL... SAY, WHERE'D HE GO?
Isn't it dramatic?
HMMMPH...
Dark and gritty?
STOP ENJOYING THIS. A MAN HAS BEEN MURDERED!
Noooo... a mutant caricature has been murdered. But I digress. Shouldn't we be answering questions or something?
FINE. A POSTER NAMED LOGANBABE WRITES, "YES, LAME WOLVERINE JOKES. HILARIOUS. YOU CAN'T BE MORE ORIGINAL THAN THAT. IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?"
Wolverine? Who said anything about...
HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?
Huh?
HOW DARE YOU, MA'AM, MAKE LIGHT OF THIS HERO'S DEATH? AFTER SO MANY ADVENTURES, TO HAVE HIS LIFE ENDED SO IGNOBLY....
Who are you talking to?
THIS "LOGANBABE"... THIS... THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, YOU SO-CALLED FAN, FOR MOCKING THE END OF THIS GREAT MAN'S LIFE!
Whoa, chill, edi-Tor, I think what Loganbabe meant was....
NO, DON'T TRY TO STOP ME - IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TRUE INNER MEANING OF THIS GREAT HERO! I AM FLABBERGASTED THAT WE WOULD RECEIVE A QUESTION SO OBVIOUSLY ATTEMPTING TO MUDDY THE REPUTATION OF THIS WONDERFUL MAN!
Um, if you say so, but I really think it was more of a....
HE SHOULD NOT BE INSULTED - HE SHOULD BE HONORED!!! YES, HONORED - WITH RETROSPECTIVE CHROME-COVERED ONE-SHOTS, AND LIMITED-SERIES TEAMING HIM WITH HIS BEST FRIENDS LIKE SPIDER-MAN AND DAREDEVIL AND THE PUNISHER, AND COMMEMORATIVE STATUES, AND 'DEATH OF' METALLIC PRINTS, AND MORE LIMITED-SERIES!!!
That sounds so... marketable.
WHY, I'LL BEGIN PLANNING THE FIRST LIMITED SERIES RIGHT NOW! THAT WILL SHOW YOU WHO'S TRYING TO MOCK A GREAT HERO, AND WHO'S TRYING TO HONOR HIM!
Umm... can I answer a question or something while you're busy being all righteously indignant?
WHAT? OH, FINE. HERE, READ THIS ONE.
Okay. Ummm... Mitch Brown wrote in to ask, "What's wrong with 'bugger'?
What kind of question is that?
edi-Tor?
Fine, then. There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'bugger.' I assume you mean 'bugger' in the comic book perspective, as used by Booster Gold in reference to the "Bug," Blue Beetle's flying ship, in those early issues of the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League International, usually in scenes that went something like this:
Booster: So... got a date with Fire tonight, huh?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Gonna get all cozy and romantic?
Beetle: Maybe.
Booster: Gonna take her up in your <quotey fingers>flying ship?
Beetle: I was thinking about it.
Booster: Oh. So you are gonna bugg'er.
Beetle: BOOSTER!!!
or this classic scene from Justice League Spectacular:
Booster: So... heard you gave Ice a ride back to the States?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Was it fun?
Beetle: I guess so.
Booster: Didja bug'er?
Beetle: BOOSTER!!!
or this best-forgotten scene from the close of the team's run:
Booster: So... heard you and Captain Atom were doing <quotey fingers>strategic planning late last night?
Beetle: Ummm... yeah.
Booster: Was it fun?
Beetle: I guess so.
Booster: Didja bug'er?
Beetle: Booster, Captain Atom is a guy.
Booster: No way... really?
... and so on. So yes, Mitch, bugger. Bugger good, and feel proud.
Who knew this man was going to be here?
Who knew who was going to be here?
The murdered mutant.
Oh, the headless stiff with the claws? Look, I didn't even know until he showed up. Ask the edi-Tor.
WHAT? OH, EVERYBODY KNEW. THE FANBOY, THE ELITIST, THE DOCTOR, PHONCIBLE, DOOM....
What?!? It's my column - how come all of them knew, and nobody bothered to tell me?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.
I... well....
HEAR THAT, DARK KNIGHT? JIM DIDN'T LIKE THE DECEASED.
Hey, now, wait a minute....
It must have been someone who knew he'd be here. Unless you're lying about not knowing...
Ummm... hey, it's question time! What's the next one?
A POSTER NAMED 'DEADPOOL83' WROTE IN TO ASK, "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL THIS ARTICLE IS ALL ABOUT? PLEASE???"
The Mighty Thor was suffering a poor day, a day unworthy of the Thunder God. First he had been spurned by kind Jarvis in his quest for pie. Now AllFather Odin had returned, which, verily, was a good thing, but Why oh Great Ones who Live Above in Shadow, Why did he have to return and eat the last pie in all the Golden Realm? So it was that the prince of Asgard set out once more for the land of Earth to find that light, flaky, fruit-filled pastry that he so desperately sought.
Landing on a packed street corner in the land these mortals called "New York," Thor felt some relief. "At last," thought he, "surely one of yon fragile Earthers will respect the might of their savior, the powerful Thunder God. Surely they shall remember their deliverance from the Destroyer, the destruction of the Absorbing Man, and mine noble bitch-slapping of Thor Girl. Surely they shall lead Mighty Thor to pie!" Thor stopped a young mortal wearing a strange metal device that was inserted into his ears, from which the strangest of sounds were emanating.
"Attention, mortal!" said the Thunder God. "Thor desires pie! Where canst pie be found in this simple village?"
"Huh? Oh, try Albertson's," said the youth.
And so Thor did enter the building bearing the name of Albertson, whereIN he found a veritable bounty of foodstuffs worthy of the Royal Table... but that which he sought was not in sight. "Pie!" demanded Thor. "Pie! Pie to sate the God of Thunder!"
"Aisle One, in the bakery," said a mortal from off-camera.
In excitement did the Son of Odin twirl his hammer through the air, creating a mystic vortex that would take him henceforth and immediately to this "Bakery of the Isle of One." However, Mighty Thor misjudged the frailty of the home of Albertson, and indeed, the winds of mighty Mjolnir ripped the grocer's store from its foundation, crushing it beneath its own weight. By the time Mighty Thor emerged from his portal (about twenty feet away from where he started), Albertson's had been thoroughly destroyed. All that was left, in the eyes of Thor, was plaster, twisted metal, the remains of shelving, and here and there, crumbs of food that might have once been a delicious pie.
"NOOOOOO!!!!" screamed the God of Thunder as he took off into the skies to redouble his efforts.
SURREAL.
Toaster.
Murderer?
WE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM SOMEBODY CALLED "DAYTRIPPER," APPARENTLY ASKING ABOUT YOUR REPEATED SCARLET WITCH REFERENCES. SHE WRITES, "WHO'S WANDA, AND WHY DO YOU WANT HER? AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
Uh-oh.
WHAT'S WRONG?
Ummm... crap.
I'd imagine that it's some girlfriend of his.
REALLY?!? JIM HAD A GIRLFRIEND?
From his state of agitation, I'd guess it's a current girlfriend.
... ummmm....
I DIDN'T THINK ANY OF US EVEN KNEW ANY GIRLS....
... ummmm... so, about this murder mystery....
That's not what we were talking about.
Y'know, you used to be a lot more fun. Whatever happened to that fun-loving superhero I used to know? The one with the Bat-Water-Cooler and the Bat-Closed-Circuit-13"-Color-Television?
He... this device was used on him. And now there is just... the Dark Knight.
This device... what is this? A "de-Westinator"? So what happens if I click this 'reverse' button?
ZAPP!!!!
I have it! I have the answer to the mystery, my young chums!
Hey, your costume sure got lame all of a sudden.
According to his close friend Chris Claremont, the deceased was the best there was at what he did. The best there was... To be declared the best, you have to win. What is the most important competition in history?
CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS II?
Battle of the Network Stars?
Precisely, my young ward. Alan Thicke competed on the high wire. Goldie Hawn starred in Bird on a Wire. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. President Bush ordered...
What the hell is he talking about?
SSSHHHHHH! HE'S THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE. LET HIM WORK!
... and war often begins with an assault. An assault... an an X-Man. X-Assault was designed by... My god, do you realize what this means?
Uh-oh.
It was YOU! You killed him!
Look... I didn't know he would even be here. It couldn't have been me, as much as I might like to take credit for it. Umm... next question, please?
BUT YOU NEVER ANSWERED THE FIRST...
Next question, now!!!
ALL RIGHT... BLOODWIN1 ASKS, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO AN 'ULTIMATES' VERSION OF THIS COLUMN? I'M SURE THE NEW READERS OF TODAY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THEIR OWN VERSION OF THIS COLUMN WITHOUT HAVING TO BUY ALL THE BACK ISSUES AND GRAPHIC NOVELS LIKE I DID...."
Oh, for God's sake, now you've done it....
WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA!
I knew it.
NO MORE HAVING TO UNDERSTAND CONVOLUTED HISTORY - LET'S GET BACK TO BASICS WITH AN ULTIMATE RELAUNCH!!!
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BECAUSE YOU ULTIMATED IT V2 #1 - SIMPLER INTRODUCTORY ISSUE!
I'M GLAD YOU'VE BEEN ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS IN YOUR COLUMN FOR ALL THESE YEARS.
Prophecy, my ass. (look, I can say 'ass'!) Where the hell are my twinkies?
MEET MY FRIEND, CAPTAIN STACY.
Hi there, Captain...
Aaaaiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
TOO LATE!! HE'S ALREADY DEAD.
Speaking of Spider-Man, did you know he's young and smarmy? Because he is.
Hey, bub. Don't make me hurt you.
Nice goatee.
YOU LOOK TALLER THAN I REMEMBER.
Bucky!!! I'm so glad you're not dead!
Blow it out yer ear, flag-face - I've got a date with a cypress tree!
Hey, look, it's Hippy-Thor!
Thor desires ecologically friendly organic pie!
AHHHH!!! The Skrulls are attacking!
LOOK AGAIN.
Oh.
AHHHH!!! The Chitauri are attacking!
HE'S DEAD!
When did he die?
JUST OFF-PANEL.
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THERE. WASN'T THAT ULTIMATE?
... don't get me started.
Well, that's the last of the questions - guess that's it for this installment. Do we have to do this again? Isn't that Prophecy fulfilled yet?
Not yet, little chum. At least, that's what my Bat-Crystal-Ball tells me.
Will you please de-Westinate him? He sounds like Dick Van Dyke.
ALL RIGHT, I SUPPOSE IT'S THIS BUTTON...
ZAPP!!!!
Do that again and I kill you.
YESSIR.
I've collected the evidence and compiled a suspect list. I'll send you my findings.
Okay, but just remember that I didn't... didn't... hey, where'd he go?
I THINK HE DROPPED HIS BAT-WALLET.
So, is that it? Do we end it here? Do we just remind them that we need more questions, that the Twinkie-filled prophecy is not yet fulfilled, that they should e-mail their questions to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com or post them below this thread, and that we'll have to pick up the question of the mutant's murder next time?
NAH, DON'T TELL'EM ANY OF THAT. THAT'D BE CONTINUITY. CAN'T HAVE THAT.
Oh. Right.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), the World's Greatest Detective, Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. World's Greatest Detective is a registered trademark, not of DC Comics, but of the Estate of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and don't you forget it - Holmes and Watson could kick the Dark Knight's butt from here to Baker Street. Ultimate Comics are a trademark of Marvel Comics, who still owe Jim three hundred bucks, and no, don't you even begin to think that he's forgotten it. The de-Westinator used in this column was suggested by Raul Grau (oh, and thanks so much for that) and was built by the fine folks at General Electric, who are making the world a better place one Adam West at a time.