Jim Lemoine
Apr 14, 2005, 09:13 am
<img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/images/columns/bydi2-1.jpg" hspace=10 align=left border=0 alt="Because You Demanded It V2 logo">By Jim Lemoine, jimlemoine@comixfan.cjb.net
Wait - Mighty edi-Tor... who's guest-starring?!?
ISN'T IT GREAT? HE JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN TOWN...
Funny how often that happens.
HE REALLY LIKES HIS BIKE.
Yeah, I've noticed he likes it enough to have adventures in Mexico, Madripoor, Canada, California, Australia, and New York - and that's just in one week.
HE GETS AROUND.
And to think - most people don't get to go to so many exotic places, say stupid things, and do pretty much nothing, until they get elected President.
Hey, bub.
Oh, God, he's here.
Watch yer flamin' mouth, bub.
Flaming?
Flamin'.
Y'know, it's funny - I never hear the word used in that context in real life.
CREATIVE LICENSE.
Riiight... so... your idea of an insult is a word that mocks homosexuals? Didn't you watch Chasing Amy?
OH, COME ON....
You're so gay.
Don't mess with the ol' canucklehead....
Edi-Tor, I'm confused. Didn't we already do this gag a long time ago?
BUT PEOPLE NEVER GET TIRED OF HIM!
I do. Isn't that enough? I mean, it's my column, isn't it?
YOU DON'T OWN THE RIGHTS, THOUGH, SORRY. NOW, TIME FOR YOUR BIG FIRST ISSUE INTRODUCTION!
But this isn't the first issue of the column - it's the second.
NO, IT'S THE FIRST. SEE UP IN THE TITLE? THAT'S A NUMBER ONE.
I've had forty-two #1's....
But... but... two weeks ago... fine. Whatever you want. Do your "first-issue introduction." I'll just go stand over here quietly.
Over here?
Ummm... no. Over there. You have an odd smell.
That's healin' factor musk, bub.
SIX MONTHS AFTER HE LEFT COMICS FOREVER, JIM LEMOINE RELUCTANTLY RETURNS TO FULFILL A GRAND PROPHECY. ANSWER THE QUESTIONS OF THE READERS, THE PROPHECY SAYS, AND GREATNESS SHALL COME! BONE SHALL RETURN, MARTIAN MANHUNTER SHALL HAVE HIS OWN SERIES, HAWKEYE WILL LIVE, CHILDREN ALL OVER THE GLOBE SHALL RECEIVE TWINKIES, AND THE SCARLET WITCH... WELL, I CAN'T SAY THAT IN A FAMILY-FRIENDLY COLUMN.
Are you done now?
YES, THAT SHOULD BE SUFFICIENT. WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT QUESTIONS FOR YOU TODAY!
That Prophecy better damn well be for real....
IT IS. NOW... A POSTER WHO ASKED NOT TO BE NAMED ASKED, "WHAT'S ON YOUR PULL LIST?"
Pork.
UMM....
What?
THAT'S IT?
Yeah, that's it. A pulled pork sandwich. I'm really hungry.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S QUITE THE TYPE OF "PULL" THEY HAD IN MIND.
What? You don't like pig sandwiches?
NO, I MEAN... UMMM... I THINK THEY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR COMIC BOOK PULLS.
Oh.
Well, then....
Let me pull myself up by the bootstraps and try to answer this one.
There was a time when I pulled out all the stops and bought tons of comics - we're talking twenty, thirty bucks a week. And because I had a good job, I managed to pull that off. But after many years, no lie, comics got so bad that I had to pull the plug. Magneto's return, X-Statix's cancellation, the death of the Avengers - I'd had it with having the wool pulled over my eyes. Look, I'm pulling no punches here - it was time to pull up stakes and get out.
There. Was that better?
WELL, NOT REALLY... I THINK THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT COMICS YOU'RE READING THESE DAYS.
What? You're pulling my leg!
NOW YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.
Pull the other one!
PLEASE STOP.
Fine. Dumb question anyway.
I DON'T KNOW IF THE PROPHECY WILL COME TRUE IF YOU DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.
It's hard to take things too seriously with 'Patch' over there practicing his karate.
Do not mock th' ninja, bub.
I've seen turtles less over-exposed than you.
MOVING ON... SPIDEY777 WRITES WITH THE PRESSING QUESTION, "IS MARY JANE THE TRUE LOVE OF PETER PARKER, OR WAS IT GWEN STACY?"
Modern fans of Spidey think of Mary Jane as the perfect girl for Peter Parker; they're wrong. Modern fans of Spidey also think that the death of Uncle Ben was the biggest tragedy in Peter's life; it's my opinion that they're wrong, too. See, the true tragedy of Peter Parker is this: all of us have a soulmate out there somewhere, that one special person who is an absolutely perfect match made in heaven just for us. Most of us go through life without ever meeting our soulmate, or dreaming that they even exist. Peter, on the other hand, actually did meet his soulmate, and fall in love with her... and then she was killed.
Back in the day, Peter Parker wasn't really very interested in Mary Jane Watson at all; he considered her a pale shadow of the real love of his life, Gwen Stacy. Countless times he considered telling Gwen the truth about his secret identity, and he even thought about the prospect of marriage often. MJ was just another girl, usually dating his roommate; the idea of MJ with another man didn't bother Pete in the slightest, where conversely, the merest hint that Gwen was seeing Flash Thompson was enough to throw Spidey into a jealous rage! Peter was well and truly hooked, in love, completely infatuated with Gwen... and she was the same with him, ever since they first met. Where MJ always had a different lifestyle and wholly different desires than Pete, Gwen was interested in science, family, and a stable home life... just like her man Parker.
Stan Lee's touching portrayal of their blissful romance was rare in this superhero world. They were one of the greatest couples in the history of comics... made all the greater by Gwen's untimely death. And the biggest tragedy of Peter's life isn't that he got his powers, or that his Uncle Ben died... it's that he'd had his soulmate, he'd loved her... and then he lost her.
THAT SOUNDED VERY FAMILIAR.
You've never seen it before.
I HAVEN'T?
Especially not in an old ComiX-Ten.
OH.
Don't bother looking.
OKAY.
My first love was Silver Fox.
No it wasn't - that was another implant, remember.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Yeah, I know, it must be frustrating. Hey, calm down. Here, want a cigar?
GGGGRRRRRRR... a cigar???
Yeah, it's brown and smelly....
God, y'know how long it's been since I had a stogie?
NOW, YOU KNOW THAT THE NEW POLICY CLEARLY STATES...
Stuff it - #@*$! editors... at this point, I'd gut all four o' my team leaders for a good smoke.
UMMMM... WELL... UMMM... CARRIE WENZEL WRITES, "WHERE DO COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS GO WHEN THEY DIE?"
There's an easy one. Why, they go to DeadLand, where the deceased and demised may go to eke out the rest of their days with quiet suburban living, monster roller coasters, and $4.50 hot dogs. Let's go there now and take a look around, shall we?
I'm comin' too, bub. Haven't been there in a few months.
Fine, whatever. Off we go...
... and here we are! Say, this place looks a bit different than it did last time I was here. Wait... coming up the drive of that little house... isn't that...?
Hey there, neighbor! Welcome to DeadLand!
Uncle Ben! How are things? That Aunt May imposter from Amazing #400 still treating you right?
She's just wonderful - I'd been getting false hopes for thirty-five damn years with May getting one deadly disease after another... God was just teasing me, I guess. But now at least I've got a reasonable facsimile. Come say hi, May!
Well, aren't you a skinny young lad. Here, have some wheatcakes.
Grrrrr... I love wheatcakes.
Oh! How bestial and frightening!
Please don't encourage him - just whap him with a newspaper or something. Hey, Ben... where's Barry's house? Did somebody bulldoze it?
Yup. He was going back and forth between here and the real world for flashbacks and retrospectives so often, he decided just to rent. He's in that new timeshare complex now.
Timeshare?
Yeah, up the road a bit. Most everyone's movin' in, because they don't spend a lot of time here.
Hmmm... is that where Gwen is? Her house looks empty, too.
Actually, she's up at that new psychiatric ward that got built after the Doom Patrol left. She's having these flashbacks...
Poor girl.
I used t'have flashbacks, bub.
Shut up, you. What kind of flashbacks?
Apparently she's just now remembering having an affair with the man who killed her. Kids, too.
You're kidding!
That poor girl....
I had an affair with Viper once....
Do you see Hal much these days?
No, he went back to livin', too. First thing we did was tear down that ugly-ass bright green garage....
I used to have a little place right over there...
Well, how's Jason doing?
He's been gone a while.
Never stayed there too long, though...
What's Betsy up to these days?
We wouldn't know. She left, too.
Stupid skrulls....
Man! No wonder this place looks so empty! Well, surely Bucky's still around?
Oh. Ummm...
Ummm....
What? Where is he?
He... isn't really....
What May's trying to say is, Rorschach... well... Roschach was getting bored.
Oh.
That poor boy....
And then this Northstar guy showed up, and invited Bucky over to his house.
Oh!!!
That poor boy....
Northstar?
That's what he said his name was.
Ooops.
What did you do?
Nothin'.
This is all your fault, isn't it?
Nope.
How's Bucky now?
Confused. I caught him being intimate with a cypress tree yesterday.
That poor tree....
Ummm... right. Well, nice seeing you, Ben! Time to go....
... and there you have it. Dead comic book characters go to DeadLand. Where they rent.
THAT WAS... SOMEWHAT DISTURBING.
But I actually answered the question this time! That's improvement, right?
I SUPPOSE... DEADPOOL83 WRITES "I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?"
And so did Thor return to the Golden Realm henceforth, so that he might find at last the pie for which he sought. For weeks now, Thor had craved a delectable morsal of that Midgardian treat known only as... pie. Surely, thought Mighty Thor, surely in blessed Asgard might pie be found! So went He to the finest tavern in all the Realm, a place where Men might be ye Men, Women might be ye Women, and Goats remained ye Interesting Diversion.
Mighty Thor sat his Mighty Posterior on one of the finest barstools in the finest tavern in this, the finest of Realms, when a rather fine barmaid approached him. "Oh, Lord Thor!" said she. "Pie, please, to sate the cravings of the Thunder God!" said he. "Sorry, we just sold our last slice," said she. "WHO?" bellowed Mighty Thor. "Who hath taken the pie beloved of the Prince of the Realm?!?"
Turning, Thor saw a man taking the last bite out of what was surely the most delicious slice of blueberry pie ever to be found in eternal Asgard. And as Thor raised the legendary Mjolnir to smite down he who had brought him such grief, the man looked up, and aye, Thor saw that 'twas Odin.
"Quit thy whining, thou spoilt hippie-chyld, lest I transform ye into a woman like in Krueger's demented dream!" screamed the All-Father.
"But... but... I thought thee wert dead again," softly spoke a suddenly sheepish son.
"Odin did become better," explained the King of the Gods as he ordered some sweet berry iced cream.
SURREAL.
Fish.
Bub.
ANAND KHATRI WROTE IN TO ASK, "WHEN DO I GET MY TWINKIES? THERE ARE TWINKIES, RIGHT?"
Now that's the best question we've had yet. Mighty edi-Tor? There are Twinkies, right?
ONLY WHEN THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED.
So what do we do if we get hungry before then?
I'VE GOT THESE DELICIOUS SOY PATTIES....
Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
HOW ABOUT SOME HEALTHY RICE CAKES?
Eat smart, bub. Stay in school. Verbs are cool.
You are so amazingly lame these days, y'know that?
Ah, yer just jealous because I show up in twelve books a month, an' yer stuck with this one puny little column.
My column's not puny!
Yer in denial.
It's... it's...
Puny. One little relaunch. Two issues. No annuals or limited series. Heh.
It's... it's... it's not the size that counts! It's how you use it!
SO YOU DON'T MIND IF I KEEP THE BIGGER TWINKIES FOR MYSELF?
What about Ding Dong's? Do we have any of those?
Not t' mention a few graphic novels... guest shots in every #1 issue... neverendin' serials in Marvel Comics Presents....
Hey, remember that time MCP did the "New Warriors Meet Slapstick" series?
I'M TRYING NOT TO.
It wasn't that bad.
... appearin' in all three X-Men books... get on the cover of New Avengers an' Wizard every month...
YES IT WAS.
Man, you've just got no appreciation for the way comics used to be written. Back when it was more important to just have fun than it was to build marketable franchises for cartoons, movies, and unbelievably crappy miscellaneous merchandise.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR LICENSING DEALS?
Ummm... a series of Spider-Man pool cues?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BILLIARDS?
Elektra-head Pez knock-offs?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH CANDY?
Recharge, the "ultimate card game"?
WELL, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
Didn't my card beat the card for Galactus?
Yeah, but that's not impressive. I beat the Silver Surfer with Jubilee once.
ALEX GROFF WRITES "WHEN I BUY A COMIC ONLY TO FIND OUT IT'S CRAP, I USE IT AS CAMPFIRE STARTER. SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS?"
Not really, but you might have more luck if you just used regular kindling. It'll burn longer.
NOT NECESSARILY.
What do you mean?
I WAS CAMPING OUT IN DEADLAND A FEW WEEKS AGO WITH LONGSHOT AND SUPERBOY...
Wait, they're not dead!
MIGHT AS WELL BE.
Oh. Yeah, I guess so.
SO WE WERE CAMPING, AND SUPERBOY WENT LOOKING FOR FIREWOOD, AND HE FOUND THIS CYPRESS TREE THAT WE JUST COULDN'T BURN.
A... cypress tree...?
IT WAS ALL STICKY AND...
Stop!!! Just... stop. Sticky and... and... God, that's disgusting.
OKAY, LAST ONE IN THE MAIBAG HERE - A POSTER CALLED "IMPOSSIBLEM" WROTE "DON'T FORGET TO MENTION TRANSFORMERS IN YOUR NEXT ARTICLE."
That is so the last thing I want to do. No, I don't think I'll allow the word "Transformers" to appear in this article. Nope, the word "Transformers" isn't going to show up at all.
Instead, let's talk about Go-Bots! Yeah, Go-Bots! Leader-1, the Colonel Klink of mechanized warriors! Cy-Kill, the Gargamel of robotic terror! Scooter, the Jar Jar Binks of transforming warriors!
PFOOOOOM!!!
Gah!!! What the hell was that?
I THINK OUR GUEST STAR'S HEAD JUST EXPLODED.
Oh.
Don't worry, he's got a healing factor. It'll grow back.
WITH HIS HEAD GONE?
Sure. Didn't you see that issue where he was completely destroyed except for one skin cell from his right buttock, and he regenerated his entire body from that?
HE DID?
Yeah, it happened right around the time Claremont left <b><i>Uncanny X-Men</i></b> the first time. Kind of explains why he's been such an ass since then, huh?
Well, kids, that brings us to the end of our second...
FIRST!!
... whatever. First issue. So, remember, there's this Prophecy that says that if this column continues, we get to see some really cool comic books, we all get free Twinkies, and I get Wanda. So write in with questions, damn it! You can either post them as a reply to this thread, or you can send them by e-mail to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com if you're the shy type.
Y'know, with his head all over the floor like that, he kind of looks like Pauly Shore.
YOU THINK?
It's kind of a mess - should we clean it up?
DON'T BOTHER - I'LL GET SUPERBOY TO DO IT.
Not like he's doing anything else, I guess.
Write in, True Believers, and remember: it's for the kids. Till next time, go read a good book.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Twinkies are a registered trademark of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who also own Ding Dong's, Fruit Pies, and much else that is Good in the world. Chasing Amy is a registered trademark of Kevin Smith, who didn't think the gay jokes were very funny either, but he really, really liked the one about the cypress tree. DeadLand is a wholly owned subsidiary held jointly by Microsoft and Walt Disney - that's right, kiddies, not even death can release you from their Unholy Grips. Prepare for an eternity of Windows Update Downloads and Pocahontas sequels.
Wait - Mighty edi-Tor... who's guest-starring?!?
ISN'T IT GREAT? HE JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN TOWN...
Funny how often that happens.
HE REALLY LIKES HIS BIKE.
Yeah, I've noticed he likes it enough to have adventures in Mexico, Madripoor, Canada, California, Australia, and New York - and that's just in one week.
HE GETS AROUND.
And to think - most people don't get to go to so many exotic places, say stupid things, and do pretty much nothing, until they get elected President.
Hey, bub.
Oh, God, he's here.
Watch yer flamin' mouth, bub.
Flaming?
Flamin'.
Y'know, it's funny - I never hear the word used in that context in real life.
CREATIVE LICENSE.
Riiight... so... your idea of an insult is a word that mocks homosexuals? Didn't you watch Chasing Amy?
OH, COME ON....
You're so gay.
Don't mess with the ol' canucklehead....
Edi-Tor, I'm confused. Didn't we already do this gag a long time ago?
BUT PEOPLE NEVER GET TIRED OF HIM!
I do. Isn't that enough? I mean, it's my column, isn't it?
YOU DON'T OWN THE RIGHTS, THOUGH, SORRY. NOW, TIME FOR YOUR BIG FIRST ISSUE INTRODUCTION!
But this isn't the first issue of the column - it's the second.
NO, IT'S THE FIRST. SEE UP IN THE TITLE? THAT'S A NUMBER ONE.
I've had forty-two #1's....
But... but... two weeks ago... fine. Whatever you want. Do your "first-issue introduction." I'll just go stand over here quietly.
Over here?
Ummm... no. Over there. You have an odd smell.
That's healin' factor musk, bub.
SIX MONTHS AFTER HE LEFT COMICS FOREVER, JIM LEMOINE RELUCTANTLY RETURNS TO FULFILL A GRAND PROPHECY. ANSWER THE QUESTIONS OF THE READERS, THE PROPHECY SAYS, AND GREATNESS SHALL COME! BONE SHALL RETURN, MARTIAN MANHUNTER SHALL HAVE HIS OWN SERIES, HAWKEYE WILL LIVE, CHILDREN ALL OVER THE GLOBE SHALL RECEIVE TWINKIES, AND THE SCARLET WITCH... WELL, I CAN'T SAY THAT IN A FAMILY-FRIENDLY COLUMN.
Are you done now?
YES, THAT SHOULD BE SUFFICIENT. WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT QUESTIONS FOR YOU TODAY!
That Prophecy better damn well be for real....
IT IS. NOW... A POSTER WHO ASKED NOT TO BE NAMED ASKED, "WHAT'S ON YOUR PULL LIST?"
Pork.
UMM....
What?
THAT'S IT?
Yeah, that's it. A pulled pork sandwich. I'm really hungry.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S QUITE THE TYPE OF "PULL" THEY HAD IN MIND.
What? You don't like pig sandwiches?
NO, I MEAN... UMMM... I THINK THEY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR COMIC BOOK PULLS.
Oh.
Well, then....
Let me pull myself up by the bootstraps and try to answer this one.
There was a time when I pulled out all the stops and bought tons of comics - we're talking twenty, thirty bucks a week. And because I had a good job, I managed to pull that off. But after many years, no lie, comics got so bad that I had to pull the plug. Magneto's return, X-Statix's cancellation, the death of the Avengers - I'd had it with having the wool pulled over my eyes. Look, I'm pulling no punches here - it was time to pull up stakes and get out.
There. Was that better?
WELL, NOT REALLY... I THINK THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT COMICS YOU'RE READING THESE DAYS.
What? You're pulling my leg!
NOW YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.
Pull the other one!
PLEASE STOP.
Fine. Dumb question anyway.
I DON'T KNOW IF THE PROPHECY WILL COME TRUE IF YOU DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.
It's hard to take things too seriously with 'Patch' over there practicing his karate.
Do not mock th' ninja, bub.
I've seen turtles less over-exposed than you.
MOVING ON... SPIDEY777 WRITES WITH THE PRESSING QUESTION, "IS MARY JANE THE TRUE LOVE OF PETER PARKER, OR WAS IT GWEN STACY?"
Modern fans of Spidey think of Mary Jane as the perfect girl for Peter Parker; they're wrong. Modern fans of Spidey also think that the death of Uncle Ben was the biggest tragedy in Peter's life; it's my opinion that they're wrong, too. See, the true tragedy of Peter Parker is this: all of us have a soulmate out there somewhere, that one special person who is an absolutely perfect match made in heaven just for us. Most of us go through life without ever meeting our soulmate, or dreaming that they even exist. Peter, on the other hand, actually did meet his soulmate, and fall in love with her... and then she was killed.
Back in the day, Peter Parker wasn't really very interested in Mary Jane Watson at all; he considered her a pale shadow of the real love of his life, Gwen Stacy. Countless times he considered telling Gwen the truth about his secret identity, and he even thought about the prospect of marriage often. MJ was just another girl, usually dating his roommate; the idea of MJ with another man didn't bother Pete in the slightest, where conversely, the merest hint that Gwen was seeing Flash Thompson was enough to throw Spidey into a jealous rage! Peter was well and truly hooked, in love, completely infatuated with Gwen... and she was the same with him, ever since they first met. Where MJ always had a different lifestyle and wholly different desires than Pete, Gwen was interested in science, family, and a stable home life... just like her man Parker.
Stan Lee's touching portrayal of their blissful romance was rare in this superhero world. They were one of the greatest couples in the history of comics... made all the greater by Gwen's untimely death. And the biggest tragedy of Peter's life isn't that he got his powers, or that his Uncle Ben died... it's that he'd had his soulmate, he'd loved her... and then he lost her.
THAT SOUNDED VERY FAMILIAR.
You've never seen it before.
I HAVEN'T?
Especially not in an old ComiX-Ten.
OH.
Don't bother looking.
OKAY.
My first love was Silver Fox.
No it wasn't - that was another implant, remember.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Yeah, I know, it must be frustrating. Hey, calm down. Here, want a cigar?
GGGGRRRRRRR... a cigar???
Yeah, it's brown and smelly....
God, y'know how long it's been since I had a stogie?
NOW, YOU KNOW THAT THE NEW POLICY CLEARLY STATES...
Stuff it - #@*$! editors... at this point, I'd gut all four o' my team leaders for a good smoke.
UMMMM... WELL... UMMM... CARRIE WENZEL WRITES, "WHERE DO COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS GO WHEN THEY DIE?"
There's an easy one. Why, they go to DeadLand, where the deceased and demised may go to eke out the rest of their days with quiet suburban living, monster roller coasters, and $4.50 hot dogs. Let's go there now and take a look around, shall we?
I'm comin' too, bub. Haven't been there in a few months.
Fine, whatever. Off we go...
... and here we are! Say, this place looks a bit different than it did last time I was here. Wait... coming up the drive of that little house... isn't that...?
Hey there, neighbor! Welcome to DeadLand!
Uncle Ben! How are things? That Aunt May imposter from Amazing #400 still treating you right?
She's just wonderful - I'd been getting false hopes for thirty-five damn years with May getting one deadly disease after another... God was just teasing me, I guess. But now at least I've got a reasonable facsimile. Come say hi, May!
Well, aren't you a skinny young lad. Here, have some wheatcakes.
Grrrrr... I love wheatcakes.
Oh! How bestial and frightening!
Please don't encourage him - just whap him with a newspaper or something. Hey, Ben... where's Barry's house? Did somebody bulldoze it?
Yup. He was going back and forth between here and the real world for flashbacks and retrospectives so often, he decided just to rent. He's in that new timeshare complex now.
Timeshare?
Yeah, up the road a bit. Most everyone's movin' in, because they don't spend a lot of time here.
Hmmm... is that where Gwen is? Her house looks empty, too.
Actually, she's up at that new psychiatric ward that got built after the Doom Patrol left. She's having these flashbacks...
Poor girl.
I used t'have flashbacks, bub.
Shut up, you. What kind of flashbacks?
Apparently she's just now remembering having an affair with the man who killed her. Kids, too.
You're kidding!
That poor girl....
I had an affair with Viper once....
Do you see Hal much these days?
No, he went back to livin', too. First thing we did was tear down that ugly-ass bright green garage....
I used to have a little place right over there...
Well, how's Jason doing?
He's been gone a while.
Never stayed there too long, though...
What's Betsy up to these days?
We wouldn't know. She left, too.
Stupid skrulls....
Man! No wonder this place looks so empty! Well, surely Bucky's still around?
Oh. Ummm...
Ummm....
What? Where is he?
He... isn't really....
What May's trying to say is, Rorschach... well... Roschach was getting bored.
Oh.
That poor boy....
And then this Northstar guy showed up, and invited Bucky over to his house.
Oh!!!
That poor boy....
Northstar?
That's what he said his name was.
Ooops.
What did you do?
Nothin'.
This is all your fault, isn't it?
Nope.
How's Bucky now?
Confused. I caught him being intimate with a cypress tree yesterday.
That poor tree....
Ummm... right. Well, nice seeing you, Ben! Time to go....
... and there you have it. Dead comic book characters go to DeadLand. Where they rent.
THAT WAS... SOMEWHAT DISTURBING.
But I actually answered the question this time! That's improvement, right?
I SUPPOSE... DEADPOOL83 WRITES "I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?"
And so did Thor return to the Golden Realm henceforth, so that he might find at last the pie for which he sought. For weeks now, Thor had craved a delectable morsal of that Midgardian treat known only as... pie. Surely, thought Mighty Thor, surely in blessed Asgard might pie be found! So went He to the finest tavern in all the Realm, a place where Men might be ye Men, Women might be ye Women, and Goats remained ye Interesting Diversion.
Mighty Thor sat his Mighty Posterior on one of the finest barstools in the finest tavern in this, the finest of Realms, when a rather fine barmaid approached him. "Oh, Lord Thor!" said she. "Pie, please, to sate the cravings of the Thunder God!" said he. "Sorry, we just sold our last slice," said she. "WHO?" bellowed Mighty Thor. "Who hath taken the pie beloved of the Prince of the Realm?!?"
Turning, Thor saw a man taking the last bite out of what was surely the most delicious slice of blueberry pie ever to be found in eternal Asgard. And as Thor raised the legendary Mjolnir to smite down he who had brought him such grief, the man looked up, and aye, Thor saw that 'twas Odin.
"Quit thy whining, thou spoilt hippie-chyld, lest I transform ye into a woman like in Krueger's demented dream!" screamed the All-Father.
"But... but... I thought thee wert dead again," softly spoke a suddenly sheepish son.
"Odin did become better," explained the King of the Gods as he ordered some sweet berry iced cream.
SURREAL.
Fish.
Bub.
ANAND KHATRI WROTE IN TO ASK, "WHEN DO I GET MY TWINKIES? THERE ARE TWINKIES, RIGHT?"
Now that's the best question we've had yet. Mighty edi-Tor? There are Twinkies, right?
ONLY WHEN THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED.
So what do we do if we get hungry before then?
I'VE GOT THESE DELICIOUS SOY PATTIES....
Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
HOW ABOUT SOME HEALTHY RICE CAKES?
Eat smart, bub. Stay in school. Verbs are cool.
You are so amazingly lame these days, y'know that?
Ah, yer just jealous because I show up in twelve books a month, an' yer stuck with this one puny little column.
My column's not puny!
Yer in denial.
It's... it's...
Puny. One little relaunch. Two issues. No annuals or limited series. Heh.
It's... it's... it's not the size that counts! It's how you use it!
SO YOU DON'T MIND IF I KEEP THE BIGGER TWINKIES FOR MYSELF?
What about Ding Dong's? Do we have any of those?
Not t' mention a few graphic novels... guest shots in every #1 issue... neverendin' serials in Marvel Comics Presents....
Hey, remember that time MCP did the "New Warriors Meet Slapstick" series?
I'M TRYING NOT TO.
It wasn't that bad.
... appearin' in all three X-Men books... get on the cover of New Avengers an' Wizard every month...
YES IT WAS.
Man, you've just got no appreciation for the way comics used to be written. Back when it was more important to just have fun than it was to build marketable franchises for cartoons, movies, and unbelievably crappy miscellaneous merchandise.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR LICENSING DEALS?
Ummm... a series of Spider-Man pool cues?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BILLIARDS?
Elektra-head Pez knock-offs?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH CANDY?
Recharge, the "ultimate card game"?
WELL, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
Didn't my card beat the card for Galactus?
Yeah, but that's not impressive. I beat the Silver Surfer with Jubilee once.
ALEX GROFF WRITES "WHEN I BUY A COMIC ONLY TO FIND OUT IT'S CRAP, I USE IT AS CAMPFIRE STARTER. SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS?"
Not really, but you might have more luck if you just used regular kindling. It'll burn longer.
NOT NECESSARILY.
What do you mean?
I WAS CAMPING OUT IN DEADLAND A FEW WEEKS AGO WITH LONGSHOT AND SUPERBOY...
Wait, they're not dead!
MIGHT AS WELL BE.
Oh. Yeah, I guess so.
SO WE WERE CAMPING, AND SUPERBOY WENT LOOKING FOR FIREWOOD, AND HE FOUND THIS CYPRESS TREE THAT WE JUST COULDN'T BURN.
A... cypress tree...?
IT WAS ALL STICKY AND...
Stop!!! Just... stop. Sticky and... and... God, that's disgusting.
OKAY, LAST ONE IN THE MAIBAG HERE - A POSTER CALLED "IMPOSSIBLEM" WROTE "DON'T FORGET TO MENTION TRANSFORMERS IN YOUR NEXT ARTICLE."
That is so the last thing I want to do. No, I don't think I'll allow the word "Transformers" to appear in this article. Nope, the word "Transformers" isn't going to show up at all.
Instead, let's talk about Go-Bots! Yeah, Go-Bots! Leader-1, the Colonel Klink of mechanized warriors! Cy-Kill, the Gargamel of robotic terror! Scooter, the Jar Jar Binks of transforming warriors!
PFOOOOOM!!!
Gah!!! What the hell was that?
I THINK OUR GUEST STAR'S HEAD JUST EXPLODED.
Oh.
Don't worry, he's got a healing factor. It'll grow back.
WITH HIS HEAD GONE?
Sure. Didn't you see that issue where he was completely destroyed except for one skin cell from his right buttock, and he regenerated his entire body from that?
HE DID?
Yeah, it happened right around the time Claremont left <b><i>Uncanny X-Men</i></b> the first time. Kind of explains why he's been such an ass since then, huh?
Well, kids, that brings us to the end of our second...
FIRST!!
... whatever. First issue. So, remember, there's this Prophecy that says that if this column continues, we get to see some really cool comic books, we all get free Twinkies, and I get Wanda. So write in with questions, damn it! You can either post them as a reply to this thread, or you can send them by e-mail to becauseyoudemandedit@gmail.com if you're the shy type.
Y'know, with his head all over the floor like that, he kind of looks like Pauly Shore.
YOU THINK?
It's kind of a mess - should we clean it up?
DON'T BOTHER - I'LL GET SUPERBOY TO DO IT.
Not like he's doing anything else, I guess.
Write in, True Believers, and remember: it's for the kids. Till next time, go read a good book.
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The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the writer, Mighty edi-Tor, the Fanboy (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=15343), the Elitist (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=17349), Victor Von Doom (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=26645), Phoncible Bone, the guy with the claws, and Emelius David, Doctor of Psychology (http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/forums/showthread.php?t=18527), and should not be mistaken for the official opinion of Comixfan, its other staff, or anybody who actually matters. Twinkies are a registered trademark of the Interstate Bakeries Corporation, who also own Ding Dong's, Fruit Pies, and much else that is Good in the world. Chasing Amy is a registered trademark of Kevin Smith, who didn't think the gay jokes were very funny either, but he really, really liked the one about the cypress tree. DeadLand is a wholly owned subsidiary held jointly by Microsoft and Walt Disney - that's right, kiddies, not even death can release you from their Unholy Grips. Prepare for an eternity of Windows Update Downloads and Pocahontas sequels.