Lauren Dougherty
Mar 30, 2003, 02:57 am
<a href="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/logos/oscc_logo.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/logos/oscc_logot.jpg" alt="Our So Called Column logo" align=left></a>By Lauren Dougherty (laurendougherty@xfan.cjb.net) and Anthony Zisa (aczisa@xfan.cjb.net)
For immediate release:
Marvel is very proud to announce the first part of our recent partnership with J.K. Rowling, world famous author of the blockbuster Harry Potter series. Ms. Rowling will be creating a number of novels based on Marvel properties, and we here at Marvel are very pleased to present to you some preview samples from our first collaboration, inspired by a short story from yours truly, Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra.
Love and kisses to my many adoring fans, Bill Jemas.
<hr>
BILL JEMAS and J.K. Rowling present... Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra
Barnell Bohusk, known to his friends as the Beak, was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he was extremely happy to be back in school. For another, one of his biggest problems this term was how he was going to pass his flying exam. And he also happened to be a mutant.
<center>***</center>
As he stepped through the mahogany double doors of Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning, Barnell worried about the coming term. He had not seen his best (and, truth be told, only) friend, Angel Salvadore all summer, and was anxious to catch up with her. However, he would first have to survive his Telepathy class, taught by his least favourite teacher, Professor Frost.
<center>***</center>
Frost threw a dirty glance at Barnell as he entered her classroom. He could tell she remembered the embarrassing situation last year when the school's premier telepath, Quentin Quire, had taken over his mind and made him say all sorts of rudeness to her.
As if Quire's practical joke hadn't done the trick, Barnell's mutation was one that altered his physical appearance, and he knew Professor Frost was not particularly fond of mutants who barely managed a state of anthropomorphism. Adding to these problems, Barnell was pure rubbish at telepathic defense, the central lesson of Frost's class.
Barnell sunk low in his seat, hoping to avoid Frost's piercing glare.
<center>***</center>
Barnell's next class was Defence Against Dark Mutants, and he was eager to find out about the new professor. Xavier's had a nagging problem retaining Defence Against Dark Mutants teachers, as they all seemed to end up rather dead. Just last year, they had lost Professor Laynia Sergeievna Petrovna Krylenko, sometimes called Darkstar, on holiday in Paris. The year prior, Professor Elizabeth Braddock, known to her friends as Psylocke, was impaled before ever teaching a single lesson while on holiday in Spain. Rumour had it that the job was cursed. Or, at the very least, it was in very bad form for Xavier Institute teachers to go abroad.
<a href="http://www.fakecajun.com/phoenixfire/Barnell.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.fakecajun.com/phoenixfire/Barnell_tmb.jpg" align=right alt="Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra"></a>The professor was tall, lanky, with a long beard and a shaggy shock of white hair. He was dressed in the oddest combination of purple and red robes, and his belt buckle seemed to vibrate at attention as he moved. His voice boomed as he introduced himself.
"Hello, children, and welcome to our first Defence Against Dark Mutants lesson. I am your instructor, Professor Otengam. I understand you have had some--problems--with previous instructors, and I promise my best to stay unimpaled while teaching you all. I tried the whole impaling thing once, but it didn't agree with me." His mouth curled upwards at his private joke, but something about the near sneer upset Barnell. Otengam seemed to notice the minute changes in Barnell's emotions, and threw him a strange glance.
"Our first Dark Mutants will be the late Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Some might say they were misunderstood. It is certain that their leader, despite his roguish good looks, charm, and elegance, was a thorn in the side of many of your other teachers for a good number of years, prior to his untimely demise." He snickered. "Anyway, open your texts to page 12, and we'll begin."
It was at this point that Barnell began to notice the increasing pain in his forehead. His fingers moved softly over the lightning bolt shaped scar located on the left side of his forehead, a relic from the tragic deep fryer accident that claimed his parent's lives many years ago. Every time Otengam looked at him, the scar released another sharp jolt of pain.
Otengam just smiled.
<center>***</center>
After his unsettling Defence Against Dark Mutants lesson, Barnell opted to forego his arranged meeting with Angel out by the shady grove, and went instead to one of the few people on campus he knew could give him answers. However, before he could reach the door to the school grounds, he heard a high, sharp voice call out to him, "Have a headache, poor little Barnell?" He turned around, knowing exactly who would be standing behind him. It was Sammy Pare, Barnell's biggest (and only) nemesis.
Sammy Pare and Barnell had been enemies since last term at Xavier's, when the two had a severe row over who would make the most delicious Japanese dish. Barnell insisted that dipping himself in teriyaki sauce would be to die for, while Sammy attempted to counter that a roll in some rice and vegetables would make Sammy scrumptious sushi. The argument had degenerated into blows, which some onlookers categorized as violent, but strangely mouth-watering. The two now regarded one another only with the utmost loathing, and Barnell narrowed his beady bird eyes as Sammy passed him, a look of dislike Sammy readily returned. Under normal conditions, Barnell would have exchanged words, but he was intent upon reaching the school grounds.
Ignoring Sammy's clucking sounds, which sounded uncannily like his own, Barnell walked across the school grounds, knocking on the door to the shack that was the residence of the school's groundskeeper, only known as Logan. A short, ferocious wolverine of a man, Logan had lived countless lifespans, and surely could provide some answers to Barnell's questions.
<center>***</center>
"So the new Dark Mutants teacher's been making yer scar hurt, eh Bub? Well, that's a pretty dangerous thing, by my reckoning. See, I know something Xavier never told ya, and I think it might just be time to lay down the truth fer ya. Ya didn't get that scar in the fryer accident, kid. Yer parents, they were killed by Magneto."
"By Magneto? But that's impossible! My parents were killed when they were accidentally dropped into a fryer at the local KFC, and the fryer oil splashed on my head, scarring me! They couldn't have been killed by Magneto!"
"But kid... who ordered the twelve-piece bucket yer parents ended up as?"
Barnell's vision began to blur as the Logan's words sunk in--Magneto had eaten his parents!
<center>***</center>
"Professor," Barnell gasped, "there is something horribly wrong with the new Defence Against Dark Mutants instructor!"
"I quite understand your concern, Barnell," said Xavier. He motioned for Barnell to sit down. "I reassure you, there is nothing to worry about concerning Professor Otengam."
"But Professor Otengam... he's Magneto!"
"Yes, I was quite aware of that fact when I hired him. Do not worry, Barnell. The staff has taken certain--precautions--to prevent Magneto's true character from rising to the surface."
Barnell, astonished, took a minute to regain his wits. "Professor, I'm beginning to think you might want to rethink your approach to hiring former enemies as instructors."
Xavier's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Barnell, perhaps you are correct."
<center>***</center>
Barnell, Angel, and Basilisk gazed in horror at the words written upon the wall.
"The Chamber of Cerebra has been opened. Enemies of the magnetic one start to run."
<hr>
Hey, guys, Bill again! Just want to remind you guys that I inspired this lovely story, and that you should check it out! I also hear Ms. Rowling is no slouch, either! Hopefully, after our first few collaborations together, she'll be able to step out and perhaps even write a book on her own! She might be ready for the big leagues!
Don't miss out on Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra! It'll be coming at you this July from Marvel, right before some other book about some kid who looks suspiciously like a DC character (and we know how much we hate those, am I right or am I right?), so ours deserves your money more!
Tootles!
Yours, Bill Jemas
COO and inspiration to all
Marvel Enterprises
All characters ™ and © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. The preceding article was a work of fiction, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All parody of public figures protected under Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988), and is intended to be comic, not malicious.
Lauren Dougherty had to go and make things so complicated. She's acting like she's somebody else, makes me frustrated!
Anthony Zisa is a Sk8tr Boi. He says "C U l8tr boi!"
For immediate release:
Marvel is very proud to announce the first part of our recent partnership with J.K. Rowling, world famous author of the blockbuster Harry Potter series. Ms. Rowling will be creating a number of novels based on Marvel properties, and we here at Marvel are very pleased to present to you some preview samples from our first collaboration, inspired by a short story from yours truly, Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra.
Love and kisses to my many adoring fans, Bill Jemas.
<hr>
BILL JEMAS and J.K. Rowling present... Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra
Barnell Bohusk, known to his friends as the Beak, was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one thing, he was extremely happy to be back in school. For another, one of his biggest problems this term was how he was going to pass his flying exam. And he also happened to be a mutant.
<center>***</center>
As he stepped through the mahogany double doors of Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning, Barnell worried about the coming term. He had not seen his best (and, truth be told, only) friend, Angel Salvadore all summer, and was anxious to catch up with her. However, he would first have to survive his Telepathy class, taught by his least favourite teacher, Professor Frost.
<center>***</center>
Frost threw a dirty glance at Barnell as he entered her classroom. He could tell she remembered the embarrassing situation last year when the school's premier telepath, Quentin Quire, had taken over his mind and made him say all sorts of rudeness to her.
As if Quire's practical joke hadn't done the trick, Barnell's mutation was one that altered his physical appearance, and he knew Professor Frost was not particularly fond of mutants who barely managed a state of anthropomorphism. Adding to these problems, Barnell was pure rubbish at telepathic defense, the central lesson of Frost's class.
Barnell sunk low in his seat, hoping to avoid Frost's piercing glare.
<center>***</center>
Barnell's next class was Defence Against Dark Mutants, and he was eager to find out about the new professor. Xavier's had a nagging problem retaining Defence Against Dark Mutants teachers, as they all seemed to end up rather dead. Just last year, they had lost Professor Laynia Sergeievna Petrovna Krylenko, sometimes called Darkstar, on holiday in Paris. The year prior, Professor Elizabeth Braddock, known to her friends as Psylocke, was impaled before ever teaching a single lesson while on holiday in Spain. Rumour had it that the job was cursed. Or, at the very least, it was in very bad form for Xavier Institute teachers to go abroad.
<a href="http://www.fakecajun.com/phoenixfire/Barnell.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.fakecajun.com/phoenixfire/Barnell_tmb.jpg" align=right alt="Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra"></a>The professor was tall, lanky, with a long beard and a shaggy shock of white hair. He was dressed in the oddest combination of purple and red robes, and his belt buckle seemed to vibrate at attention as he moved. His voice boomed as he introduced himself.
"Hello, children, and welcome to our first Defence Against Dark Mutants lesson. I am your instructor, Professor Otengam. I understand you have had some--problems--with previous instructors, and I promise my best to stay unimpaled while teaching you all. I tried the whole impaling thing once, but it didn't agree with me." His mouth curled upwards at his private joke, but something about the near sneer upset Barnell. Otengam seemed to notice the minute changes in Barnell's emotions, and threw him a strange glance.
"Our first Dark Mutants will be the late Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Some might say they were misunderstood. It is certain that their leader, despite his roguish good looks, charm, and elegance, was a thorn in the side of many of your other teachers for a good number of years, prior to his untimely demise." He snickered. "Anyway, open your texts to page 12, and we'll begin."
It was at this point that Barnell began to notice the increasing pain in his forehead. His fingers moved softly over the lightning bolt shaped scar located on the left side of his forehead, a relic from the tragic deep fryer accident that claimed his parent's lives many years ago. Every time Otengam looked at him, the scar released another sharp jolt of pain.
Otengam just smiled.
<center>***</center>
After his unsettling Defence Against Dark Mutants lesson, Barnell opted to forego his arranged meeting with Angel out by the shady grove, and went instead to one of the few people on campus he knew could give him answers. However, before he could reach the door to the school grounds, he heard a high, sharp voice call out to him, "Have a headache, poor little Barnell?" He turned around, knowing exactly who would be standing behind him. It was Sammy Pare, Barnell's biggest (and only) nemesis.
Sammy Pare and Barnell had been enemies since last term at Xavier's, when the two had a severe row over who would make the most delicious Japanese dish. Barnell insisted that dipping himself in teriyaki sauce would be to die for, while Sammy attempted to counter that a roll in some rice and vegetables would make Sammy scrumptious sushi. The argument had degenerated into blows, which some onlookers categorized as violent, but strangely mouth-watering. The two now regarded one another only with the utmost loathing, and Barnell narrowed his beady bird eyes as Sammy passed him, a look of dislike Sammy readily returned. Under normal conditions, Barnell would have exchanged words, but he was intent upon reaching the school grounds.
Ignoring Sammy's clucking sounds, which sounded uncannily like his own, Barnell walked across the school grounds, knocking on the door to the shack that was the residence of the school's groundskeeper, only known as Logan. A short, ferocious wolverine of a man, Logan had lived countless lifespans, and surely could provide some answers to Barnell's questions.
<center>***</center>
"So the new Dark Mutants teacher's been making yer scar hurt, eh Bub? Well, that's a pretty dangerous thing, by my reckoning. See, I know something Xavier never told ya, and I think it might just be time to lay down the truth fer ya. Ya didn't get that scar in the fryer accident, kid. Yer parents, they were killed by Magneto."
"By Magneto? But that's impossible! My parents were killed when they were accidentally dropped into a fryer at the local KFC, and the fryer oil splashed on my head, scarring me! They couldn't have been killed by Magneto!"
"But kid... who ordered the twelve-piece bucket yer parents ended up as?"
Barnell's vision began to blur as the Logan's words sunk in--Magneto had eaten his parents!
<center>***</center>
"Professor," Barnell gasped, "there is something horribly wrong with the new Defence Against Dark Mutants instructor!"
"I quite understand your concern, Barnell," said Xavier. He motioned for Barnell to sit down. "I reassure you, there is nothing to worry about concerning Professor Otengam."
"But Professor Otengam... he's Magneto!"
"Yes, I was quite aware of that fact when I hired him. Do not worry, Barnell. The staff has taken certain--precautions--to prevent Magneto's true character from rising to the surface."
Barnell, astonished, took a minute to regain his wits. "Professor, I'm beginning to think you might want to rethink your approach to hiring former enemies as instructors."
Xavier's eyes twinkled mischievously. "Barnell, perhaps you are correct."
<center>***</center>
Barnell, Angel, and Basilisk gazed in horror at the words written upon the wall.
"The Chamber of Cerebra has been opened. Enemies of the magnetic one start to run."
<hr>
Hey, guys, Bill again! Just want to remind you guys that I inspired this lovely story, and that you should check it out! I also hear Ms. Rowling is no slouch, either! Hopefully, after our first few collaborations together, she'll be able to step out and perhaps even write a book on her own! She might be ready for the big leagues!
Don't miss out on Barnell Bohusk and the Chamber of Cerebra! It'll be coming at you this July from Marvel, right before some other book about some kid who looks suspiciously like a DC character (and we know how much we hate those, am I right or am I right?), so ours deserves your money more!
Tootles!
Yours, Bill Jemas
COO and inspiration to all
Marvel Enterprises
All characters ™ and © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. The preceding article was a work of fiction, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All parody of public figures protected under Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988), and is intended to be comic, not malicious.
Lauren Dougherty had to go and make things so complicated. She's acting like she's somebody else, makes me frustrated!
Anthony Zisa is a Sk8tr Boi. He says "C U l8tr boi!"