Anthony Zisa
Feb 25, 2003, 06:42 pm
<a href="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/logos/oscc_logo.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/logos/oscc_logot.jpg" alt="Our So Called Column logo" align=left></a>By Lauren Dougherty (phoenixfire81@hotmail.com) and Anthony Zisa (PopinFrsh@aol.com)
Ben and Jen's Marvelous Meeting
BILL JEMAS, spinning around in his chair:You may be wondering why I've gathered you here today. And all your questions shall be answered, in due time. But first, I'm going to open the meeting in the traditional manner, by rubbing Bendis' head for luck.
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS: This is so degrading.
JEMAS: Did you say something?!?
BENDIS: No...
JEMAS: Moving on. I'd just like to thank our guests for their stellar work in Daredevil, currently sitting atop the box office charts. Matt--may I call you Matt?
BEN AFFLECK: Umm, it's Ben, actually.
JEMAS: Okay, Matt. What was it like working with Spielberg? Because, I've got to tell you, the man is a genius. A genius! He should be working for us! Wait, can we get him working for us? Picks up the phone. Quesada! Can we get Spielberg on an X-Men title? Right. A Spider-Man title? Well, that's not a "Can-Do" attitude! GET ON IT! Hangs up the phone. Right. So, what was it like?
AFFLECK: I've... never worked with him.
JEMAS: Sure you have. In the movie, with the kid from Home Alone? And that one part where he ate broccoli and his face fell off. HA HA HA! Hysterical! And, I'll confess, when he was re-united with his mom at the end, I cried. And I don't cry often, let me tell you!
AFFLECK: Wait, are you talking about A.I.? That was Jude Law. And Haley Joel Osment.
JEMAS: Are you calling me dumb, Matt?
AFFLECK: No, not at all. And my name is--
JEMAS: Buffy?
JENNIFER GARNER: Pardon?
JEMAS: You, I love you in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Great show, with the vampires and the staking of the vampires. Those writers should be working on Blade. Can we get them on Blade? Picks up the phone. JOE! Get me the Buffy writers on Blade! Which one? ALL OF THEM, YOU FOOL! Hangs up the phone.
GARNER: But, I'm not on Buffy, I'm on Alias.
JEMAS: Yeah, Buffy.
GARNER: A-li-as.
JEMAS: Buf-fy.
GARNER: Don't you ever turn on th--
JEMAS: Well, thanks in part to your superb performances--and I would like to emphasize that it was a small part, as we all know the movie succeeded because it was a Marvel Comics character!--Daredevil remains the number one movie at the box office. However! We sadly learned after "Spider-man" that grosses alone don't boost our sales enough. No, we here at Marvel now believe that outreach is the key! Turn those movie stubs into comic sales, that's our motto! Hmm... I'm not exactly loving the motto. Chuck! Chuck Austen pokes his head into the meeting. Punch up the motto! Make it sparkle!
CHUCK AUSTEN: On it, Bill! Runs off.
JEMAS: That's my boy! See, Bendis, that's the sort of "Can-Do" attitude we're looking for here. Take notes. Anyway, Matt and Buffy. Nothing says "Comics are cool" and "Buy Marvel Comics" like celebrities saying "Comics are cool" and "Buy Marvel Comics"! And, as part of our outreach program, we'd like you two to hit the road on our...
<a href="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/columns/ddmall.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/columns/ddmallt.jpg" align=right alt="Daredevil Mall Tour"></a>DAREDEVIL MALL TOUR!!!
AFFLECK and GARNER: What!?
JEMAS: Yes! Busing from mall to mall, making appearances in character! Daredevil, Elektra, and Bullseye will be a HIT with the mallrats! You'll fight, you'll cry, you'll be united in telling kids that, yes, comics are cool again! We'll even be furnishing the van with the cutest little spinner rack, so they can pick up the latest Marvel Comics. It's GOLD, I tell you, GOLD!
AFFLECK: Wait, Colin actually AGREED to this?
JEMAS: Well… not EXACTLY. I called him about the idea, but you know those Isles folk! Always with the four-letter words and threats if you don't stop calling them at three in the morning! I mean, how was I supposed to know about the time-difference! But, fear not! We here at Marvel are always on the ball! Bullseye, come on down!
Mark Millar bounds in, wearing a Bullseye costume.
MARK MILLAR: HA HA HA! I shall have at you, Devil! HA HA HA!
Affleck and Garner exchange frightened glances.
MILLAR: Wait, wait. I've been practicing something. You're going to love this! Pulls a paper clip from behind his ear and straightens it out. Okay, Brian, if you'll just hold REALLY still... Throws the paper-clip.
BENDIS: OW! That was my EAR!
MILLAR: HA HA HA! Cool, no?
JEMAS: Mark, behave! Squirts Millar with water.
GARNER: But he’s not even Irish! His accent is quite obviously Scottish!
JEMAS: So? Most of America won’t even know the difference.
Affleck and Garner exchange quiet words, and Affleck raises his hand.
AFFLECK: I have a question.
JEMAS: Fire away, Matt!
AFFLECK: How are these mall appearances going to bring forth any type of profit for Marvel? I mean, outreach is a great idea in a shrinking marketplace, but how is this tour going to translate into sales?
JEMAS, speaking very slowly: Celebrities would be endorsing comics.
AFFLECK: ...and?
JEMAS, speaking even slower: Celebrities would be endorsing comics. They do like them pretty and dumb--HA HA HA, pretty dumb!--in Hollywood, don't they?
Affleck and Garner look at Jemas incredulously. Bendis flashes an apologetic look their way.
JEMAS: Look at it this way, Matt and Buffy. Kids go to malls. Kids have money. Kids saw Daredevil. You do the math. Blank looks from Affleck and Garner. Not following? Okay. Bendis, white board me!
Bendis pushes out a white board. Bill writes on it, in large letters, "KIDS + MONEY + CELEBRITIES + COMICS = BILL'S MAUI VACATION."
JEMAS: So, whaddaya say? Flashes them a winning smile.
GARNER: I want my fifteen minutes back. I'm firing my agent for setting this up.
She leaves. Ben follows.
MILLAR: Does this mean no tour? Tears well in his eyes.
JEMAS: Of course not! We always have a contingency plan at Marvel! CHUCK!
Austen pokes his head into the room.
AUSTEN: Bill?
JEMAS: Here, put this on. It's mall tour time! Tosses Austen a Daredevil costume.
BENDIS: So, can I go now?
JEMAS: Heh. You're not going anywhere.
BENDIS: Wait, no, you can't...
JEMAS: You betcha! Tosses Bendis a wig and sais. Get dressed!
All characters ™ and © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. The preceding article was a work of fiction, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All parody of public figures protected under Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988), and is intended to be comic, not malicious.
Lauren Dougherty is happily married with children, and lives in the Upper East Side of New York City with her husband, Tom Brokaw.
Anthony Zisa is often asked how one man can have as many enemies as he does. The answer, as always, is vodka. Lots of vodka.
Ben and Jen's Marvelous Meeting
BILL JEMAS, spinning around in his chair:You may be wondering why I've gathered you here today. And all your questions shall be answered, in due time. But first, I'm going to open the meeting in the traditional manner, by rubbing Bendis' head for luck.
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS: This is so degrading.
JEMAS: Did you say something?!?
BENDIS: No...
JEMAS: Moving on. I'd just like to thank our guests for their stellar work in Daredevil, currently sitting atop the box office charts. Matt--may I call you Matt?
BEN AFFLECK: Umm, it's Ben, actually.
JEMAS: Okay, Matt. What was it like working with Spielberg? Because, I've got to tell you, the man is a genius. A genius! He should be working for us! Wait, can we get him working for us? Picks up the phone. Quesada! Can we get Spielberg on an X-Men title? Right. A Spider-Man title? Well, that's not a "Can-Do" attitude! GET ON IT! Hangs up the phone. Right. So, what was it like?
AFFLECK: I've... never worked with him.
JEMAS: Sure you have. In the movie, with the kid from Home Alone? And that one part where he ate broccoli and his face fell off. HA HA HA! Hysterical! And, I'll confess, when he was re-united with his mom at the end, I cried. And I don't cry often, let me tell you!
AFFLECK: Wait, are you talking about A.I.? That was Jude Law. And Haley Joel Osment.
JEMAS: Are you calling me dumb, Matt?
AFFLECK: No, not at all. And my name is--
JEMAS: Buffy?
JENNIFER GARNER: Pardon?
JEMAS: You, I love you in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Great show, with the vampires and the staking of the vampires. Those writers should be working on Blade. Can we get them on Blade? Picks up the phone. JOE! Get me the Buffy writers on Blade! Which one? ALL OF THEM, YOU FOOL! Hangs up the phone.
GARNER: But, I'm not on Buffy, I'm on Alias.
JEMAS: Yeah, Buffy.
GARNER: A-li-as.
JEMAS: Buf-fy.
GARNER: Don't you ever turn on th--
JEMAS: Well, thanks in part to your superb performances--and I would like to emphasize that it was a small part, as we all know the movie succeeded because it was a Marvel Comics character!--Daredevil remains the number one movie at the box office. However! We sadly learned after "Spider-man" that grosses alone don't boost our sales enough. No, we here at Marvel now believe that outreach is the key! Turn those movie stubs into comic sales, that's our motto! Hmm... I'm not exactly loving the motto. Chuck! Chuck Austen pokes his head into the meeting. Punch up the motto! Make it sparkle!
CHUCK AUSTEN: On it, Bill! Runs off.
JEMAS: That's my boy! See, Bendis, that's the sort of "Can-Do" attitude we're looking for here. Take notes. Anyway, Matt and Buffy. Nothing says "Comics are cool" and "Buy Marvel Comics" like celebrities saying "Comics are cool" and "Buy Marvel Comics"! And, as part of our outreach program, we'd like you two to hit the road on our...
<a href="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/columns/ddmall.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://x-mencomics.com/xfan/images/columns/ddmallt.jpg" align=right alt="Daredevil Mall Tour"></a>DAREDEVIL MALL TOUR!!!
AFFLECK and GARNER: What!?
JEMAS: Yes! Busing from mall to mall, making appearances in character! Daredevil, Elektra, and Bullseye will be a HIT with the mallrats! You'll fight, you'll cry, you'll be united in telling kids that, yes, comics are cool again! We'll even be furnishing the van with the cutest little spinner rack, so they can pick up the latest Marvel Comics. It's GOLD, I tell you, GOLD!
AFFLECK: Wait, Colin actually AGREED to this?
JEMAS: Well… not EXACTLY. I called him about the idea, but you know those Isles folk! Always with the four-letter words and threats if you don't stop calling them at three in the morning! I mean, how was I supposed to know about the time-difference! But, fear not! We here at Marvel are always on the ball! Bullseye, come on down!
Mark Millar bounds in, wearing a Bullseye costume.
MARK MILLAR: HA HA HA! I shall have at you, Devil! HA HA HA!
Affleck and Garner exchange frightened glances.
MILLAR: Wait, wait. I've been practicing something. You're going to love this! Pulls a paper clip from behind his ear and straightens it out. Okay, Brian, if you'll just hold REALLY still... Throws the paper-clip.
BENDIS: OW! That was my EAR!
MILLAR: HA HA HA! Cool, no?
JEMAS: Mark, behave! Squirts Millar with water.
GARNER: But he’s not even Irish! His accent is quite obviously Scottish!
JEMAS: So? Most of America won’t even know the difference.
Affleck and Garner exchange quiet words, and Affleck raises his hand.
AFFLECK: I have a question.
JEMAS: Fire away, Matt!
AFFLECK: How are these mall appearances going to bring forth any type of profit for Marvel? I mean, outreach is a great idea in a shrinking marketplace, but how is this tour going to translate into sales?
JEMAS, speaking very slowly: Celebrities would be endorsing comics.
AFFLECK: ...and?
JEMAS, speaking even slower: Celebrities would be endorsing comics. They do like them pretty and dumb--HA HA HA, pretty dumb!--in Hollywood, don't they?
Affleck and Garner look at Jemas incredulously. Bendis flashes an apologetic look their way.
JEMAS: Look at it this way, Matt and Buffy. Kids go to malls. Kids have money. Kids saw Daredevil. You do the math. Blank looks from Affleck and Garner. Not following? Okay. Bendis, white board me!
Bendis pushes out a white board. Bill writes on it, in large letters, "KIDS + MONEY + CELEBRITIES + COMICS = BILL'S MAUI VACATION."
JEMAS: So, whaddaya say? Flashes them a winning smile.
GARNER: I want my fifteen minutes back. I'm firing my agent for setting this up.
She leaves. Ben follows.
MILLAR: Does this mean no tour? Tears well in his eyes.
JEMAS: Of course not! We always have a contingency plan at Marvel! CHUCK!
Austen pokes his head into the room.
AUSTEN: Bill?
JEMAS: Here, put this on. It's mall tour time! Tosses Austen a Daredevil costume.
BENDIS: So, can I go now?
JEMAS: Heh. You're not going anywhere.
BENDIS: Wait, no, you can't...
JEMAS: You betcha! Tosses Bendis a wig and sais. Get dressed!
All characters ™ and © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. The preceding article was a work of fiction, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All parody of public figures protected under Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988), and is intended to be comic, not malicious.
Lauren Dougherty is happily married with children, and lives in the Upper East Side of New York City with her husband, Tom Brokaw.
Anthony Zisa is often asked how one man can have as many enemies as he does. The answer, as always, is vodka. Lots of vodka.